Shadow Warrior 2 Full Transcript

[Lo Wang driving his Porsche and gets a call. The Touch by Stan Bush is playing on the background.]

Lo Wang: (sounding quite weary) You've got Wang.

Mamushi Heika: Mr. Wang. Its getting late.

Lo Wang: I said I'd have it to you by 5:30, It’s not even 4.

Mamushi Heika: You have been chosen for this job specifically. Keeping it secure in transit may be… challenging. Also, be aware that the Temple of Longing has been... occupied of late…

[Tons of demons arouse in the forest along the road.]

Lo Wang: You want me to pick up extra balloons too? I know how Yakuza get if everyone doesn’t get a balloon.

Mamushi Heika: Good day, Mr. Wang.

[The demons attacks Wang’s car.]

Lo Wang: Oh, come on...

[Lo Wang crashes. He takes booze (some sake apparently), his sword and steps out to the path of vengeance. He throws the bottle away.]

Lo Wang: Fuck off!

[As he encounters his first demons.]

Lo Wang: If you guys get any uglier, I'll have to start killing you blindfolded.

[After a pile of dead bodies he find some red glowing stone...]

Lo Wang: Oh, how nice, for me?

[A mighty demon coming out of nowhere.]

Lo Wang: Fuck off! I hate it when they do that!

[After Lo Wang defeats the boss demon.]

Lo Wang: (singing) Cutting up thugs with their faces so ugly. Stomping on demons who aren’t all that snuggly. Shooting at nightmares that fly with their wings. These are a few of my favorite things!

[As a pile of demons start pouring in.]

Lo Wang: Fuck my life… fuck my life… fuck my life… fuck my life…

[As Lo Wang battles even more demons.]

Lo Wang: Oh, hey you guys, you need directions? Just take a sharp left through my sword and keep on going.

[As Lo Wang kills the last demon.]

Lo Wang: Nice work! You deserve a hand for that. Oh look! Here’s one someone's not using any more.

[He walks to massive Asian style palace with tons of guards wearing black suits.]

Lo Wang: Mamushi Heika may be a cold blooded sociopathic mob boss, but she knows how to decorate. Hello? Hello! Geez is this a party or was there a toxic spill?

Mamushi Heika: Where’s been an accident, Mr. Wang.

Lo Wang: Smith? What are you doing here? You work for this bi... nice lady, too?

Smith: I am in no one’s employ but my own.

Mamushi Heika: You two know each other?

Lo Wang: Smith is my mechanic. Fixed my car a few... dozen times.

Smith: I am here on personal business. Kamiko has gone missing.

Lo Wang: The birthday girl? Does that mean no cake?

Mamushi Heika: It’s going to mean no balls for you If you don't shut your yammering mouth.

Lo Wang: Oh... I see what s going on. The big boss’ daughter got lost on your watch. Do I smell a beheading? More importantly, do you think they’ll sell tickets?

Smith: I’m afraid the situation is quite serious. For some time, she has been worried that Zilla has found her out. And today she was due at my garage at 4. She is never late.

Lo Wang: Whoah, whoa, whoa, rewind. Zilla? Orochi Zilla?

Mamushi Heika: Yes. She was working in his labs... undercover.

Lo Wang: Oh, he doesn’t like that kind of thing.

Mamushi Heika: I am organizing a rescue mission.

Lo Wang: Zilla's security is legendary. They wouldn’t get past the front desk.

Mamushi Heika: And what would you suggest?

Lo Wang: Go in quiet. You send one guy. Preferably one that knows his way around.

Mamushi Heika: Are you offering your services?

Lo Wang: Depends what you're paying.

Mamushi Heika: 100,000. Cash.

Lo Wang: Ah… That should please my accountant I still have a few old badges and a couple fakes. I can get in and at least tell you what you’re dealing with.

Mamushi Heika: Go then. Find out what happened. Bring her back if you can.

Lo Wang: Back here?

Mamushi Heika: No. This is the first place they'll look. Take her to...

Smith: I have a secluded location you may use.

Mamushi Heika: OK then, take her to the old man’s place.

Smith: Bring her to my garage. I will meet you there.

Lo Wang: What do you want me to do with this?

Smith: I can give it to her, when I see her.

Mamushi Heika: Lo Wang?

Lo Wang: Yes?

Mamushi Heika: Don't fuck this up. If she dies, they’ll be picking your fingertips out of my gardens for weeks.

Lo Wang: Lady sure knows how to motivate her workforce.

Smith: Intimidation is the tool of the fearful heart.

Lo Wang: Hey, it beats being the fool of the tearful fart.

Smith: That’s deeply stupid.

Lo Wang: But it’s true.

Smith: Fair enough.

Mamushi Heika: (angerly) Get. Out. Of. HERE!!!

[Wang goes to his car...]

Lo Wang: Starting to feel like a goddamn babysitter. But you know what? Babysitters make good money.

My Hero

Lo Wang: Welcome to the shiny-happy-future. Hey, one out of three ain’t bad.

[As he approaches the access gate]

Lo Wang: It's just so hard finding a good forger these days.

[Lo Wang activates the access gate and sets off an alarm]

Computer Voice: Access denied.

Lo Wang: Note to self: kill your fucking forger.

[After getting through another access gate and killing a bunch of Zilla goons.]

Lo Wang: The future just keeps getting future-ier.

[After finding Kamiko...]

Lo Wang: Room's locked. Bulletproof glass too I wonder If that’s…

Man: Ah, Kamiko, my star pupil.

Lo Wang: Yeah, of course it's her.

Kamiko: Mmmmmmmph! Rrrrrrgmph!!

Man: Come now, come now, calm yourself, my dear. Let you go? Oh I'm afraid I can’t do that, my dearest. It would spoil our grand experiment, and you always loved experiments. Before we embark on this grand adventure, there is something I should say. I am deeply in your debt, young lady. I would never have achieved all I that have without your help. The lab just won't be the same without you... to steal from. Proceed.

Lo Wang: Goddammit Zilla, I knew you were into some twisted shit, but this is on a whole other level.

[The power goes off.]

Zilla: That's strange. What’s happening? Is she all right? Someone check her vitals. Untie her gag. I don't want her suffocating, we need her to be…

Kamiko: Files, carrion, the stench of death.

Zilla: Oh my. Now this *is* getting interesting.

Lo Wang: Oh, shiiiit.

Kamiko: (in demonic voice) Bulldozed bodies, open sores, dismembered children. Ardontishandoga muktupiterotsi guandoplandanrip sibnoktigalshaliteropt cran!

Zilla: Secure the room. I need to examine her in person. I am on my way!

Girl in White: Yes sir!

Lo Wang: Hey, you guys know a good Mexican place around here?

Girl in Black: What?! Get him!

[Wang find his way to the room with the girl.]

Lo Wang: Hey! Spooky number lady! I'm going to get you out of here, I just need you to...

Kamiko: I am the graveyard of hope. I am the end of all times. I am the shadow of the world. Grantudants! Brigontoblantikortedalbo.

Lo Wang: Goddamn girl, do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.

Kamiko: I am the filth under your nails, I am the oil that stains your soul, I am despair made manifest.

Lo Wang: OK, so this is probably a terrible idea, but I’m sort of out of options here. I’m gonna untie you. When I do, please don't eat my face. I'm a friend, OK? Frieeeeeend. Alright, here we go… (picks up the girl) And my face remains uneaten! Gonna put that one in the plus column! Up you go. Come on. Take it easy there. You’re doing really well with the non-face-eating. Now… Where’s the emergency exit. Fuck, Zilla, this place is a fire hazard if I’ve ever seen… Oh! Hello, ladies! What's that? You're trapped in a glass box? Oh that’s good. How many years did you spend in mime school? (laughs) Listen, I would love stay and catch up, but I’ve got this possessed girl and she's… See what I mean? Kids today, right?

[He brings her to Smith’s garage.]

Lo Wang: Smith!

Smith: Kamiko! What happened?

Lo Wang: They shot her up with some kind of serum and she went - like this.

Smith: Follow me, quickly. Through here. I hope I can trust you.

Lo Wang: Whoa, what is this place?

Smith: This is my... other workshop.

Lo Wang: Holy pieces of sacks of shit! Where did you get all these swords?

Smith: I made them. They are my family’s trade. But there’s no time to explain. Lay her down here…

Lo Wang: OK… there.

Smith: Now wait here for a moment.

Lo Wang: Wait here?! Oh not a problem! I’ll just hang out here while Linda Blair pukes blood out of her eyeballs. (Kamiko roars) I know, I know! I don’t like it any more than you do. Can I, uh... go, now?

Smith: Unless we act quickly, she will die.

Lo Wang: Who’s this ‘we’, white man?

Smith: Excuse me?

Lo Wang: Ok, ok, what do you need me to do?

Smith: I need a place for her to stay.

Lo Wang: I have a futon she can sleep on its also my couch, but it’s clean. But shit, you have this place, why can she just stay here…

Smith: I need a soul she can colocate with.

Lo Wang: You need a...

Smith: Her body is corrupted. If I do not separate her soul from it in the next few minutes, it will become corrupted as well and she will be gone forever.

Lo Wang: That's pretty fucked up.

Smith: Once her soul is removed we can fix her body, then she can re-enter it. But in the meantime, I need a place to keep it.

Lo Wang: Her soul? Seriously? I did something like this once before and it did not end well.

Smith: In truth, you are my only option.

Lo Wang: Keep it in *your* soul, then!

Smith: I can't, I'm performing the ritual.

Lo Wang: Oh, there's rules. That’s convenient.

Smith: She is too far gone. I have to start. Eycondlwaaaagorumtukita-woooo.

Kamiko: I AM BELOW ALL AND ABOVE ALL!

Lo Wang: I'm not getting paid enough for this shit!

Kamiko: I AM THE NIGHT’S MARROW!

Lo Wang: What are you doing to her, old man?

Kamiko: I WILL DEVOUR THE SOUL OF THE WORLD AND SHIT ITS BLOOD ACROSS THE STARS!

Smith: Are you ready?

Lo Wang: Ready? Ready for what?

Kamiko: Hello?

Lo Wang: Alright! Who's that?

Kamiko: It’s me. Uh… Kamiko.

Lo Wang: The girl from Zilla Labs?

Kamiko: Yeah.

Lo Wang: The one I rescued.

Kamiko: I’m not sure. I don't remember much.

Lo Wang: Where are you?

Kamiko: I don't know, where are you?

Lo Wang: I'm not sure. Everything got so loud, then it all went black.

Kamiko: Have you tried opening your eyes?

Lo Wang: It actually hadn't occurred to me.

Smith: Are you OK?

Kamiko: Smith! I’m fine, it just... Where am I?

Smith: Kamiko! Are you OK?

Kamiko: Wait, this is the weirdest... is this *my* body? Wait, are these *my* fingers…

Lo Wang: Wait, who’s talking?

Smith: I didn’t hear anything.

Lo Wang: In my head I keep hearing…

Kamiko: In your head. Am I...

Smith: Can you hear me?

Lo Wang: Is she...

Smith: OK. I think it worked Kamiko's soul has been temporarily placed in your care.

Lo Wang & Kamiko: Are you serious?!

Smith: It’s really rather miraculous.

Lo Wang: That's not the word I would have chosen.

Kamiko: I’m riding shotgun with this dimwit.

Smith: Do you understand, Kamiko? Everything is going to be all right.

Kamiko: Oh... Right, sure! I mean this day s been fantastic so far. I lost my job, and then my boss tried to kill me and now I'm stuck inside the head of some wannabe ninja.

Lo Wang: She's great. How long do we have to do this for?

[Lo Wang goes on a mission.]

Kamiko: This is is strange. I’m in here, seeing through your eyes, but I'm also asleep back in Smith’s dojo I can feel myself with my eyes closed. I wonder if I can... wiggle my…

Lo Wang: Don't pull a muscle!

Kamiko: Gah! Would it kill you to let me concentrate for a second?

Lo Wang: You think it's easy sharing your mind with someone?

Kamiko: I don’t think I can move my body at all.

Lo Wang: Just so long as you can't move mine.

Kamiko: Yes sir, Captain Crusty, sir.

Lo Wang: At ease, soldier.

[He goes to a shop.]

Lo Wang: So, are you Hideo?

Hideo: Master Wang! It is a pleasure to meet you! I've heard a lot about you.

Lo Wang: All good, I hope.

[He gives him a hand, but Hideo does not shake it.]

Hideo: Ahhhhhh... It's a pleasure to meet you!

Lo Wang: Fucking kids… Hey, what’s going on, Hideo?

Hideo: The usual. Training. Vigilance. I've taken over the Kung Fu sessions for Master Smith while he works on a cure for Kamiko.

Lo Wang: Nice. Sounds like fun.

Hideo: It's work. We have to be ready at any moment.

Lo Wang: For what, exactly?

Hideo: Justice never rests.

Lo Wang: Well, you’re a serious young fellow. I’d say you remind me of me, except you are about as far from me as humanly possible.

Hideo: (bows) Thank you, sir.

Lo Wang: I’m not sure how to take that.

Hideo: Master Smith asked me to show you some of the Chi techniques we have developed here. With your training, they should be elementary.

Lo Wang: Fire away. I’m always up for new and better ways to fuck shit up.

[He goes back to the smith.]

Smith: Lo Wang! How are things with your new... roommate?

Lo Wang: Oh, you know it's great as long as she keeps her mouth shut

Kamiko: I have to ride around in the cesspool of your mind all day and not talk about it? I wish I had skin so I could crawl out of it, you pompous, oversexed idiot!

Lo Wang: She agrees.

Smith: Hmmm... I very much doubt that Please treat her with respect and kindness, Lo Wang. She is very dear to me.

Kamiko: Oh look, someone with manners. Shocking!

Smith: I'm sure you two will find a way to put aside your differences in the name of the greater good.

Lo Wang: If by ‘greater good’ you mean me getting my money, then I heartily agree.

Smith: Money is an illusion used to hypnotize small minds.

Lo Wang: But it sure helps when you're trying to buy a bottle of good whiskey.

Smith: Ugh… I need four things. First, a demonic rod, then the skin of a large mammal and some raw Chi-crystals. They can usually be found near Black Rain pools. Careful, though, the pools what seem to be causing the mutations in the animals out there.

Lo Wang: Maybe I'll pick up some dinner while I'm at it.

Smith: I would not recommend eating them.

Kamiko: I’m doomed.

Smith: I will also need a Golden Chrysanthemum. The vendors in the marketplace usually have them.

Lo Wang: Wow, crystals and flowers. Hey dudes! Are we going to harmonize our resonances and use them to levitate the Pentagon? (laughs)

Smith: Something like that. Come on, the sooner I have those materials, the sooner I can get Kamiko back where she belongs.

Lo Wang: Alright, alright. Back in a jiffy.

[At Larry’s.]

Lo Wang: Larry! How's it hanging?

Kamiko: You know this guy?

Lo Wang: Old friend.

Larry: You always make me smile Lo Wang. No wait that's not it. You always make me fart. That's what it was.

Lo Wang: That hurts, Larry You're a real demon, you know that?

Larry: That's what my momma always told me. What can I do for you?

Lo Wang: I actually have a very special request today. I need a Golden Chrysanthemum.

Larry: Ooh, specialty item. Very hard to find.

Lo Wang: Come on, Larry, I know you’re holding. And you owe me one.

Larry: It’s a fair cop.

Lo Wang: Yakuza mess with you any more?

Larry: They still give me dirty looks from time to time, but there hasn't been an incident since you put the fear of Wang in ‘em.

Lo Wang: I did do that, didn't I.

Larry: And I do owe you. Here. On me. Bring your wallet next time

Lo Wang: OK. Thanks for this.

Larry: Thank you. You saved my business. Maybe my life.

Lo Wang: Let's not get weepy about it. I don’t want you to start spitting acid everywhere.

Larry: Racist!

Lo Wang: Demon! Big kiss!

Larry: Ew.

[Wang goes back to his car. He pets her like his one true love.]

Lo Wang: Car, sweet car.

Kamiko: Is this our only transportation option?

Lo Wang: You got a better idea?

Kamiko: Sorry, I'm just used to…

Lo Wang: What, teleporting?

Kamiko: Actually, you're not far off.

Lo Wang: What?

Kamiko: I figured it out when I was training with Smith. It was an accident.

Lo Wang: You accidentally teleported.

Kamiko: When I calm my mind, I can see these statues. And If I focus on one, It sort of... pulls me on it.

Lo Wang: In the real world? How?

Kamiko: I have no idea how it works. But I've been doing it for the past year.

Lo Wang: No wonder Smith took an interest in you.

Kamiko: Here, close your eyes. I'll show you.

[She teleports him on a new mission.]

Hot Blooded

Lo Wang: So. Boss’ daughter, huh? Must be nice.

Kamiko: Oh yeah. It's great. You don't get a childhood and you never see your dad.

Lo Wang: Well I'm sure he's a busy guy. But I bet he dotes on you.

Kamiko: Wouldn't know. Never met the guy.

Lo Wang: What? Doesn't he live around here?

Kamiko: Apparently.

Lo Wang: I guess criminal masterminds don’t make the best parents.

Kamiko: Mamushi Heika says it’s a security precaution. A lot of people want him dead, I guess.

Lo Wang: How about you?

Kamiko: I don't want him dead I don't even care that he s alive.

Lo Wang: Well, he got you a pretty nice birthday gift.

Kamiko: He did? What was it?

Lo Wang: Some kind of amulet-looking thing.

Kamiko: Does it do anything?

Lo Wang: I have no idea.

Kamiko: You are beyond useless will you ask Smith next time you see him?

Lo Wang: Oh yeah, sure, I’ll put it on my to do list.

Lo Wang: (in battle) That was nice! Oh hello new ammo friends. You ready to kill some fuckfaces?

Lo Wang: What did you do for Zilla?

Kamiko: I’m a scientist. I worked in his Chi Physics lab

Lo Wang: Oh I see. Like on Chi engines and stuff?

Kamiko: I actually helped him invent Chi engines.

Lo Wang: No shit. I'm surprised Zilla didn't consider you more valuable.

Kamiko: Oh he knew my value. Treated me like a golden goose.

Lo Wang: Until you laid just the golden egg he was looking for?

Kamiko: Something like that.

Lo Wang: So weird having you in my head.

Kamiko: Yeah, I can imagine.

Lo Wang: I guess it’s more like deja vu.

Kamiko: You did something like this before?

Lo Wang: It was slightly different, but I had a... helper in my head for a while. He was aggravating at first, too. But eventually, we became friends.

Kamiko: Wonderful. I’m living with a schizophrenic.

Lo Wang: Not just any schizophrenic. A highly trained and heavily armed schizophrenic.

Kamiko: Well, if you’re gonna go, go big. I guess.

Lo Wang: Always.

[Couple of minutes later Wang’s phone ringing...]

Lo Wang: You’ve got ahem... Wang speaking.

Mamushi Heika: Has Kamiko’s condition improved?

Kamiko: Like she cares.

Lo Wang: Not exactly, but we re working on it.

Mamushi Heika: Are you integral to her recovery?

Lo Wang: Uh, I'm not sure it…

Mamushi Heika: Good, come to my office, I have something I need done.

Lo Wang: Will it involve getting paid for this... You know she's a treasure.

[At the smith.]

Smith: Lo Wang. I didn't expect you back so soon.

Lo Wang: Funny how efficient you can be when there's someone in your head yelling at you all the time.

Kamiko: Do you have a problem with efficiency?

Smith: So you and Kamiko are getting along then?

Lo Wang: I wouldn't call it getting along so much as getting through.

Kamiko: Enough chatting, let's get on with it!

Smith: The rock doesn’t choose the river. Nor the river the rock. Yet neither would exist without the other.

Kamiko: Tell him to lay off the cryptic wisdom and make my stupid potion already.

Lo Wang: Kamiko says you're full of shit.

Smith: Oh I doubt that very much.

Lo Wang: OK, she said to lay off the cryptic wisdom and make the stupid potion already.

Smith: That s my girl. My items please.

Lo Wang: Here you go. Oh and hey, Kamiko had a question. What was that thing her dad got her?

Smith: It is a spirit well. An extremely powerful artifact.

Lo Wang: A what now?

Smith: It's like a container, only is can hold a person's soul.

Kamiko: Wait, seriously? Why can I live in there instead of with this idiot?

Lo Wang: She wants to know why you didn't put her in there.

Smith: It would not be a good idea. Once you have entered a spirit well, you will never emerge.

Lo Wang: Ohhh, so it's like a Comic-Con?

Smith: This is a complex operation. It's going to take me some time. Check back with me when you can.

[Some time later...]

Smith: The cure is coming along nicely, but it needs more time to cook. In the meantime, do you think you could help me with something?

Lo Wang: Does it involve moving a piano or coming to an open mic night?

Smith: It does not.

Lo Wang: Then I’m in!

Smith: I'm running out of crude.

Lo Wang: And crude is...

Smith & Kamiko: Unrefined Black Rain. The raw material that comes out of the ground.

Lo Wang: She’s a… She’s telling me.

Smith & Kamiko: Oh that’s right. Forgot about your tiny mind.

Lo Wang: Hey! Seriously. You guys have to stop that. Alright, what is this stuff for?

Smith & Kamiko: It's the unrefined material that…

Lo Wang: Just let *him* talk!

Smith: Excuse me?

Kamiko: Sheesh. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the Collison.

Lo Wang: Sorry, I'm still getting used to this.

Smith: Sludge is the base, It can be fractionally distilled into a variety of things. Fuel, lubricant, even liquor. I need it to run my forge. There are some wildcatters out west of here in the wilderness. They'll sell you some. Just make sure you ask nicely.

Lo Wang: I am, in all things, a model of gentility.

Chi-ters

Kamiko: Well they weren't refining fuel out here. No wonder they blew themselves up.

Lo Wang: What do you mean?

Kamiko: They were trying to make black whiskey.

Lo Wang: Hey, we all need to take the edge off now and then.

Kamiko: Right. Tell me about that when you go blind drinking something your buddy mixed up in an outhouse.

Lo Wang: Beats getting blown up.

Kamiko: Looks like these guys did both.

Lo Wang: Fair enough. Oh well I guess we should head back.

Kamiko: No way, we need to get Smith some crude. You know, Zilla has an operation out here too I've never seen it, but it can’t be far from here.

Lo Wang: And they re just going to lend us a cup of sludge?

Kamiko: You may need to convince hem.

Lo Wang: I can be very persuasive.

Lo Wang: (in battle) Ban fucking zal you ugly son of a bitch.

Kamiko: Whoa I d heard people do this out int wilderness, but I never quite believed it.

Lo Wang: What?

Kamiko: Just go out in the woods and dig for crude.

Lo Wang: How else are they supposed to get it?

Kamiko: You should see Zilla's operations. Clean. Efficient. Safe. This? This is like playing tag in a uranium mine.

Lo Wang: If you love Zilla so much, why don't you marry him.

Kamiko: He's a great scientist.

Lo Wang: So was Oppenheimer.

Kamiko: What s the weather like up your butt?

Lo Wang: See for yourself.

[Wang shredding couple of armies of demons and goes back to Smith.]

Lo Wang: I found your pals in the forest.

Kamiko: Give him the crude.

Smith: What about them?

Lo Wang: They were playing a little fast and loose our there.

Kamiko: Give him the crude!

Smith: What do you expect on the frontier?

Lo Wang: Let's just say you could fit what’s left of them in a decorative vase.

Kamiko: Will you just... Gah!

Smith: Oh. Well then, I'm going to have to think about how to source some more…

Lo Wang: Relax old man, I got you covered.

Kamiko: You are such a…

Smith: Call me old man again and I’ll cut your wang off.

Lo Wang: I read you loud and clear, sir.

Smith: Come see me again if you find yourself at loose ends.

Lo Wang: Hey, I've been meaning to ask you about these swords.

Smith: Yes?

Lo Wang: You say you made these? These are Tamagahane steel. You don’t just make Tamagahane steel blades.

Smith: You don't. But I do. I apprenticed for 20 years. And each sword takes me around 6 months.

Lo Wang: You spent two decades learning this?

Smith: I was a quick study.

Lo Wang: How did you find a master swordmaker willing to take you on, given your, you know… your…

Smith: My... ‘nontraditional’ skin color?

Lo Wang: Yeah…

Smith: I learned from my grandfather. He was a traditionalist, but was able to overlook my background, given the... complexity of our family history.

Lo Wang: Do tell.

Smith: My grandfather was the last surviving member of the Masamune clan.

Lo Wang: Is that so? And let me guess, your uncle was Keyser Soze.

Smith: Believe what you want. I am who I am.

Lo Wang: I’ve heard that one before. I think it was Yahweh? Or was it Popeye? I always get those two mixed up.

Smith: Your disbelief is reasonable. My family was a living ghost story. They forged the Nobitsura Kage, if you believe that sort of thing.

Lo Wang: Believe it? Brother, I own it.

Smith: Now who is telling tall tales?

Lo Wang: I got it right here. But it’s not what it used to be.

Smith: No?

Lo Wang: I used it to... kill a god. After I did that it began shrinking. See?

Smith: Fascinating. Does it have the powers from the stories?

Lo Wang: It did. Little hard to wield now, though. Unless you're Mighty Mouse.

Smith: What if I cold you I could fix it?

Lo Wang: I'd say that’s the third most unbelievable thing you’ve said during this conversation.

Smith: Let’s see. Oh dear. I don't have the correct scrolls here. They’re in my grandfather's
library. If you retrieve them, I will see what I can do.

Lo Wang: Oh don't worry, fetch is my favorite game!

Smith: I’m not telling you how to live your life If you’re in the neighborhood, check it out. Or don’t.

Lo Wang: Whatever you say.

The Cookery

Lo Wang (killing Yakuzas): I'll handle stabbing and shooting you take care of the dying. Hey, you mind keeping your blood to yourself, please?

[Wang finds the seller. He is obviously zooted on something.]

Lo Wang: Hey.

Seller: Yeah?

Lo Wang: You know where I can get some Shade?

Seller: I’m partial to oak trees myself.

Lo Wang: Cut the shit, I know you're selling.

Seller: All right, how much you need?

Lo Wang: Uh four... hundred.

Seller: Shit, you serious? I only got dimes. You want more than that you gotta talk to the Chef.

Lo Wang: The Chef?

Seller: The guy who cooks the stuff. That’s what he calls himself.

Lo Wang: Where can I find him?

Seller: He doesn't really like visitors.

Lo Wang: Look, I got a lot of cash on me. I'll make it worth his while.

Seller: All right, cell yo what. You head down that alley and I'll tell him to come see you. Cool?

Lo Wang: Alright, cool. (to Kamiko) See? That's how a master does it.

Kamiko: (mockingly) Oh my gosh, I'm sooooo impressed. You’re, like, really young and hip and streetwise

Lo Wang: Can it. I need to focus.

[He finds some big, aggressive looking guy.]

Lo Wang: So, which one of you guys is the Chef?

Protector of the Chief: Hand over the cash, or we cave in your fucking skull.

Lo Wang: I should warn you. This is a terrible idea.

Protector of the Chief: Fuck you!

[Wang kills the protector and goes back to the seller.]

Lo Wang: Hey! Shithead! Long time no set me up. You want to end up like your fucking friends?

Seller: I'm sorry! I thought...

Lo Wang: You thought you'd tell me where the Chef actually fucking is now?

Seller: Uh... yeah! It's up that way. Don't tell him I told you, ok? He's gotten real... weird lately

Lo Wang: I think you have bigger things to worry about. Like, say, ever running into me ever a-fucking-gain.

Seller: That sounds reasonable.

Lo Wang: I'm nothing if not accommodating.

[Wang kills the Chief.]

Lo Wang: He should have listened to Biggie.

Kamiko: Biggie?

Lo Wang: The ten crack commandments? Number 4, I know you heard this before. Never get high on your own supply.

[He goes back to Mamushi Heika.]

Mamushi Heika: Mr. Wang, I trust you have good news for me?

Lo Wang: That depends on your perspective.

Mamushi Heika: What is that supposed to mean?

Lo Wang: His next of kin probably aren't thrilled. The local vultures are delighted, though.

Mamushi Heika: Wait. Is that some sort of idiotic way of telling me you killed him?

Lo Wang: Uh yeah I thought it was pretty…

Mamushi Heika: You goddamn moron. I told you to ‘deliver a message’ not slice him up. I didn't want him dead. I wanted him on my fucking payroll!

Lo Wang: I'm not so sure about that, he was pretty far gone.

Mamushi Heika: Don't tell me my business! If I want someone killed, I'll say so.

Kamiko: Why didn't you tell her about Biggie?

Lo Wang: Shit up.

Ninja’d Scrolls – Part 1

[Lo Wang goes on a side mission in search for Smith’s grandfather scrolls...]

Kamiko: So when it comes to swords, you suddenly find passion and integrity. Typical man

Lo Wang: You wouldn't understand. This sword is special.

Kamiko: Is that what your mom called you?

Lo Wang: My mother died before my fourth birthday.

Kamiko: I... I’m sorry. I didn't know.

Lo Wang: Wait! We found something Kamiko doesn't know! Somebody call the papers. Oh yeah, there's no such thing any more. That s ok, I'll Just cell this demon up here. I'm sure he's interested!

Kamiko: OK, OK, point taken.

Lo Wang: So how well do you know Smith?

Kamiko: He's my sensei. He taught me everything I know about Kung Fu.

Lo Wang: Is he really from a family of swordmakers?

Kamiko: I never had a reason to doubt it.

Lo Wang: Except for the fact he’s…

Kamiko: Tall?

Lo Wang: No, he is…

Kamiko: Intelligent?

Lo Wang: Black! He's black.

Kamiko: Now *there’s* a newsflash.

Lo Wang: But that doesn't make sense. He can’t be from one of the swordmaking families if he's…

Kamiko: His mother was Japanese. His father was an American GI. He was raised by his grandfather.

Lo Wang: What was his story?

Kamiko: Never met the guy. But I think we re about to poke around his place.

Lo Wang: Oh. I like poking.

[In the library.]

Lo Wang: Looks like someone's been through here before us.

Kamiko: Wow. They really did a number on this place.

Lo Wang: Looters gonna loot. At least we got this diary. Consolation prize for the old man.

Kamiko: Guess you're not getting your sword back after all.

Lo Wang: Oh, I’m getting it back.

Kamiko: But the instructions…

Lo Wang: Were stolen. All I have to do is steal them back.

Kamiko: How can we find who took them?

Lo Wang: Well we can start be tracking down whoever put these tags up.

Kamiko: Huh! Smart.

Lo Wang: I try to keep my intelligent moments to once per year. Get ready for a tsunami of stupid.

[He teleports back to the smith.]

Lo Wang: I'm afraid there's not much left of your grandfather's library.

Smith: It is unfortunate.

Lo Wang: That's it? You lose a trove of priceless, irreplaceable documents and it's unfortunate?

Smith: Who can say that is good luck and what is bad? I try to remain unattached to any single outcome.

Lo Wang: Wow, I bet you're fun in Vegas. Anyway, there was a particular piece of graffiti all over the place I think it might be connected to the looters.

Smith: I will have my students do some digging.

Lo Wang: I thought you weren't attached to any one outcome.

Smith: My fist will be attached to your face in a moment if you continue being impertinent.

Lo Wang: Understood. Let me know if you find any leads, Sir.

[After some time...]

Lo Wang: Any luck finding the looters?

Smith: One of my students contacted me briefly to say he was onto something, but we were cut off.

Lo Wang: He hasn't checked in since?

Smith: I afraid not. I would appreciate it if you could try to find him. He said he was on a rooftop overlooking the marketplace.

Ninja'd Scrolls – Part 2

[Wang leaves the smith and talks to Kamiko.]

Lo Wang: So were you one of Smith's pupils?

Kamiko: In a way. I was a bit of a special case.

Lo Wang: Star pupil?

Kamiko: Most of them have been there longer than me. I only started three years ago.

Lo Wang: Ooooh, took at the fast learner.

Kamiko: I do OK. But Smith was always very protective. He never sent me out on missions. Wanted to keep my training under the radar.

Lo Wang: So he didn't turn you into a mercenary like the others?

Kamiko: They're not mercenaries! Their only concern is helping others. They take a vow.

Lo Wang: Oh great. Idealists. Just what we need.

[Wang finds the kid. He sitting in a cage.]

Lo Wang: Hey, kid.

Dojo Kid: Lo Wang! I m so happy you're here.

Lo Wang: That makes one of us. What the fuck happened?

Dojo Kid: I am ashamed to say that I failed. My pride made me overbold and I was... captured.

Lo Wang: How can I get the key to this thing?

Dojo Kid: That guard there has it, but be careful he does not raise the alarm.

[Wang kill the guard and get the key.]

Lo Wang: Hideo, come in.

Hideo: Yes, Master Wang?

Lo Wang: I found your lost sheep.

Hideo: Ah. Excellent. I'll be over to collect him shortly.

Lo Wang: Hey! Be careful, It's still a little rough around here.

Hideo: I will cake the necessary precautions. Thank you, Master Wang.

Lo Wang: Master Wang. I could get used to that. OK, kid, you heard him, they'll come get you soon.

[He gets back to the smith.]

Smith: My student told me everything you did, Lo Wang. Thank you.

Lo Wang: Everything?

Smith: Everything. I should be able to repair the damage you did to his training within two years.

Lo Wang: Hey, uh... I didn't mean to offend. I can be... a dickhead sometimes.

Smith: We all have our own path. You are not called to the silence. To pursue it would be folly. This Way of the Wang you spoke to him about.

Lo Wang: The Way of the Wang is long. And hard. And ribbed for her pleasure.

Smith: I see. Well, good luck with that.

[Wang visits Hideo.]

Lo Wang: Any news about our... friends?

Hideo: Word on the street is everything they got has already been sold off.

Lo Wang: Shit.

Hideo: To only about four different vendors. This is a small town.

Lo Wang: And you can find them?

Hideo: They’re not exactly in hiding, sir. (bows)

Lo Wang: Point me in the right direction. I'll cake care of the rest.

Hideo: First guy I'd try is Saito. Not far from here. If he has them, I m sure you can persuade him to sell them back to you.

Ninja'd Scrolls – Part 3

[Wang goes to the city...]

Lo Wang: Hey, you Saito?

Saito: Who wants to know?

Lo Wang: Just a humble art collector.

Saito: You don’t look like an art collector.

Lo Wang: And you don't look like you're about to be a pile of tiny pieces! Still. Here we are, right?

Saito: What do you want?

Lo Wang: I want those scrolls you have.

Saito: Oh! I sold those already. Bunch of junk.

Lo Wang: Who the fuck did you sell them to?

Saito: I never divulge information about my clients.

Lo Wang: And I never divulge information about where I bury my victims.

Saito: Let me show you on your map.

Lo Wang: Wise choice.

Saito: You'll need a password to get in the door. It's 23 Skidoo.

Lo Wang: Much obliged, Salto.

[He dashes to the client.]

Lo Wang: I believe you have something that belongs to a friend of mine.

Client: Everything here used to belong to someone else. Now it belongs to me.

Lo Wang: No shit. What about my ass? Does that belong to you too?

Client: It will by the time we’re finished here.

Lo Wang: Quite the contrary, it is you who will belong to my ass.

Client: You gotta work on that one.

Lo Wang: Yeah, that didn't come out as cool as I thought it would. Kill you anyway?

Client: Oh, I very much doubt it.

[Wang begin to slice up the client end his crew.]

Kamiko: Do you ever not kill everything that moves?

Lo Wang: Every Tuesday from 3:15 to 3:20. That's my ‘me’ time.

Kamiko: Please do not tell me that you do during that time.

[Wang goes back to the smith.]

Smith: Lo Wang, you have done my family a great service.

Lo Wang: No more than your family has done for me.

Smith: Perhaps. Still, I am in your debt. Now lets see what we can do with that sword.

Lo Wang: Careful, you don't want to slice off a fingernail.

Smith: Remarkable. I have never seen anything like this. All right I will attempt to restore it. Please stand back.

[He mumbles a spell and strikes the sword with his hammer.]

Lo Wang: It… you ruined it even more!

Smith: Under the circumstances it was the best I could do. This sword will never enjoy its former glory. But now you can put it to work inside another sword.

Lo Wang: Oh... well that's something I guess.

Industrial Espionage

[Wang goes to the palace.]

Mamushi Heika: Enjoying your vacation, Mr. Wang?

Lo Wang: It's going all right. I could use another Mai Tai and some sunblock, though.

Mamushi Heika: If you can rouse yourself from your leisure, I have further use for your skills.

Lo Wang: What’s going on?

Mamushi Heika: Some assholes are cooking up back alley Shade in the slums.

Kamiko: Oh that's horrifying.

Mamushi Heika: I need you to put a stop to it.

Lo Wang: For the children?

Mamushi Heika: No, to show them what no one sells Shade in my territory without getting his balls shoved down his throat.

Lo Wang: I think I can handle that…

Mamushi Heika: I need you to figure out what that little shit was working on. She sent regular reports, but I think she was holding out on me.

Kamiko: Of course I was holding out on you, you evil bitch.

Lo Wang: (chuckles)

Mamushi Heika: What’s so funny?

Lo Wang: Oh… nothing, private joke.

Mamushi Heika: I need you to go to her apartment in the city and bring me anything you can find that looks like science. Notebooks, lab equipment.

Lo Wang: Sounds like it requires a lot of initiative.

Mamushi Heika: Listen you cocky piece of shit. I hired you to protect a very expensive piece of merchandise. And you brought her back *broken*. Until she s fixed, your ass belongs to ME. If I say I want a human birdfeeder, you start shoving crumbs up your ass.

Lo Wang: That's... colorful. I’m just used to jobs that require more chopping and less hauling.

Mamushi Heika: Oh, you’ll get your chance. Zilla’s going to have her place staked out with some serious muscle.

Lo Wang: Damn. I mean wonderful.

Mamushi Heika: Have fun, you miserable piece of shit.

Lo Wang: Love you too, sweetie. (to Kamiko) Man she is a charmer, huh?

Kamiko: Sometimes I fantasize about her being slowly eaten alive by ants. It's comforting.

Lo Wang: (chuckles) Remind me to stock up on Borax.

[They enter Kamiko’s apartment.]

Lo Wang: OK, where's the stuff we need?

Kamiko: Oh I don't keep any of that here. First place they’d look.

Lo Wang: What are you talking about? We spent all this time breaking in here, I got blood all over my shirt. Why would we...

Kamiko: I really wanted a cup of tea.

Lo Wang: You wanted a...

Kamiko: I like tea, OK?

Lo Wang: Wait, you have tea here? Where the hell did you get tea?

Kamiko: Zilla knows a guy. It's one of the perks. Can you put the kettle on?

Lo Wang: Look, I don't think we have time for that Where are your notes?

Kamiko: If I tell you, will you make me a cup of tea?

Lo Wang: No! I'm tired of this shit! I'm not your personal valet. Now where are your stupid notes?

Kamiko: I gave them to Xing to safekeeping.

Lo Wang: Xing, like head-in-a-box Xing?

Kamiko: You know someone else named Xing? He's the only person with any honor in Zilla's organization.

Lo Wang: Person might be stretching it, but yo make a fair point.

Kamiko: Wait, you know him?

Lo Wang: We met once. A long time ago. Before he was on TV . I never expected him to go work for Zilla.

Kamiko: Hey, you did it. I did it. We all make our choices.

Lo Wang: I guess so. Let's go see the big lug.

Kamiko: What about my tea?

Lo Wang: No time now.

Kamiko: At least bring it with you? Maybe Xing will have a kettle. Oh and we should bring my keycard.

Lo Wang: Sure, otherwise how will they know we’re visiting.

Kamiko: You think I’m an idiot? This is the card I hacked. Full access, full anonymity.

Lo Wang: Okay, that's impressive.

Kamiko: And pioneering Chi-tech isn't?

Lo Wang: I can't win with you.

Kamiko: You shouldn't try.

[They leave Kamiko’s apartment and enter Xing’s mansion.]

Lo Wang: Well, well, well, If it isn't my favorite corporate shill.

Xing: Lo Wang? How wonderful! I haven't seen you in ages.

Lo Wang: My goodness, you seem chipper.

Xing: You'd be amazed what access to total media surveillance will do.

Lo Wang: Destroy your faith in humanity?

Xing: Exactly! It's really quite amusing. It's like reality TV, only, you know, real. How did you get in here?

Lo Wang: I had a word with the guards. Sorry, I always mess that up. I had a *sword* with the guards.

Xing: Now that sounds like the old Lo Wang. Does Zilla know about this?

Lo Wang: This is strictly on the QT. I’m here for a friend, a Ms. Kamiko?

Xing: Kamiko? How is she? I was worried about her the last time we chatted. She seemed nervous.

Kamiko: Tell him I’m fine.

Lo Wang: She’s OK. Been through a rough patch, but hanging in there. She sent me to get her notebooks.

Xing: Well. Now this is awkward. She gave me very specific instructions not to give them to anyone.

Lo Wang: Come on! Xing! You know me!

Xing: My point exactly. How do I know you're really here on her behalf and not just trying to sell her research to the highest bidder?

Lo Wang: Because... because... OK, this is going to sound silly, but she's actually inside my head.

Xing: Come again?

Lo Wang: Her... body got corrupted and her soul was... sick? I don't really understand it to tell you the truth. All I know is she's in here.

Xing: That is ridiculous.

Lo Wang: Yes. It is ridiculous.

Xing: It would make a wonderful TV show, though.

Lo Wang: I think so.

Xing: If it were true. Which it can't be.

Kamiko: Tell him I have to miss 4 o’clock club today.

Lo Wang: She wants me to tell you she's going to miss 4 o'clock club today.

Xing: She... the... my word.

Lo Wang: What the fuck is 4 o'clock club?

Xing: Kamiko used to come by every Friday at 4. We'd drink tea and watch Jackie Chan movies.

Lo Wang: Now that is adorable.

Xing: You have proved your point. The drives have tracking chips in them. I’ll send you the chip IDs, that will cell you where to find them.

Lo Wang: Xing, you're the best. I wish you had a body right now so I could hug it.

Xing: You mean the one you chopped up and tossed off a cliff?

Lo Wang: Uh. Yeah. That's the one.

Xing: Gotta tell you, I’m not sure I'm in the market for hugs right now.

Lo Wang: Fair enough.

[After receiving the coordinates of the diaries, Wang begins to search for them.]

Lo Wang: So what's in these notebooks?

Kamiko: My experimental data. This is the foundation of my work on ZL4906.

Lo Wang: You mean Shade.

Kamiko: Shade is trash. Street crap. Half of it’s speed and heroin. People barely see anything.

Lo Wang: You tried this stuff?

Kamiko: I invented this stuff.

Lo Wang: That's some heavy shit. So you're responsible for all those junkies in town.

Kamiko: Everyone’s responsible for themselves. Those people are buying dirty stuff and getting hooked on other drugs, that’s on them. I don't take drugs, I conduct experiments on research compounds that provoke visionary reactions.

Lo Wang: You get high on your own supply.

Kamiko: You have no idea what you're talking about.

[Wang finds the last diary.]

Kamiko: Hold it, hold it. Don't give her that one.

Lo Wang: Why not?

Kamiko: That one has my actual research in it.

Lo Wang: And the rest of these are just idle doodling?

Kamiko: Worth about as much. In this business you can't be too careful. There's always someone trying to steal your work.

Lo Wang: Um yeah. About that. You know I’m only doing this because...

Kamiko: It's fine. Just make sure you give her the fakes.

Lo Wang: And what about this one?

Kamiko: That one we destroy. I don't even want to think about what would happen If that fell into the wrong hands.

[Wang returns to Mamushi Heika.]

Lo Wang: Well if she may look stupid... but she knows how to write fancy.

Mamushi Heika: Is this everything?

Lo Wang: I brought everything that wasn't nailed down. I think one of them might be her dream journal.

Mamushi Heika: I hope not. I don’t want to know what that thing dreams.

Lo Wang: Probably of money, like everyone else. Speaking of which…

Mamushi Heika: Of course. Your fabulous booty. But be ready I may need you again soon.

Lo Wang: I'll see If I can fit you into my schedule.

Seepage Problem

Mamushi Heika: I have another job for you.

Lo Wang: Awesome. Am I working another birthday? The last one went so well.

Mamushi Heika: I need you to gather intelligence. Oh, but you and intelligence don't appear to be on speaking terms.

Kamiko: Oh zing.

Lo Wang: Very cute. What do you need, mom?

Mamushi Heika: We are trying to find the source of the black ooze that's permeating the wildlands. We believe it may be coming from one particular area.

Lo Wang: And that area is…

Mamushi Heika: It doesn't have a name. I’m sending you coordinates now.

Lo Wang: Can't wait.

Mamushi Heika: Good luck, Mr. Wang.

[He teleports to the place.]

Lo Wang: No offense, but your mom is a stone cold bitch.

Kamiko: Oh. She's not my mom.

Lo Wang: No?

Kamiko: She's my grandmother.

Lo Wang: Grandmother? Seriously? Wow. Kinda GILFy, actually.

Kamiko: Eww, gross. She's the worst.

Lo Wang: Where’s your mom?

Kamiko: In the ground. Died giving birth to me.

Lo Wang: OK, well it was nice of Mama Mamushi to take you in, right?

Kamiko: Oh, right. Well, after she did to my mother, I'm surprised I'm even alive.

Lo Wang: Is this a story I really want to hear?

Kamiko: She set up an arranged marriage between my mom and the Oyabun. Word is, it was a deal so he’d make her his number 2.

Lo Wang: Wouldn't be the first time that happening.

Kamiko: Yeah, wall excuse me if I’m a little sensitive about my mother being sold as a sex slave. By her mother! I'd kill her myself but it's what she'd do. I'll never be like her.

Lo Wang: What, in charge?

Kamiko: You know you're a real prick sometimes?

Lo Wang: I've always thought of myself as more of a Wang. Whoah-ly neilybirds... What the fuck… Holy shit…

Kamiko: What?

Lo Wang: Shhh… that’s Mezu.

Kamiko: The guy you…

Lo Wang: The god I…

Kamiko: Were super awesome at until his ass exploded?

Lo Wang: Something like that. (to Mezu) Hey!! Freakshow! Long time no ass-kicking!

Kamiko: Oh! Lo Wang. Have you come by to gloat at my meager circumstances?

Lo Wang: Well it wasn't my original plan, but now that I’m here....why not. It’ll be like old times.

Kamiko: I'm not sure why I thought I'd get sympathy from you. Some naive thought that you would grow up one day.

Lo Wang: Yeah. Keep dreaming. Looks like your old stomping ground poked through into our world. How’s it feel to be on my turf?

Kamiko: I have tried to accept the situation with as much dignity as I can muster.

Lo Wang: Hey, zero is a start. Why you still hanging around here?

Kamiko: I am tasked with guarding the gates. The Collision did not change that fact.

Lo Wang: I was sent to find out where the ooze is coming from. Looks like you have a little seepage problem there.

Kamiko: If certain parties had not taken it upon themselves to disturb the gates we should not be in this predicament in the first place.

Lo Wang: Oh you mean my brilliant strategy to distract you while I kicked your ass?

Kamiko: You don't comprehend the forces you're dealing with. If it were not an the gates would have opened that day. Humanity would have perished if not for my sacrifice.

Lo Wang: Oh riiight. You're secretly a good guy. Slipped my mind.

[Wang killed Elite Belly guarding the gates.]

Lo Wang: Oh man. Yeah!

Kamiko: Did you see how much crude was coming out of those gates? That has to be the source!

Lo Wang: It does seem likely.

Kamiko: Hey, what was that stuff he was talking about?

Lo Wang: Last time we met, I defeated him by breaking the seals on the gates. When we went to seal them again, I attacked him. It was some serious battlefield improvisation.

Kamiko: It's a fine line between brilliant and cowardly.

Lo Wang: Hey, a win is a win. He was trying to kill me!

Kamiko: You ever wonder about the fact that you are the hero of all of the stories you tell? How likely is it you're always…

Lo Wang: Sorry, I've got to take this.…

Kamiko: Grrrr...

Smith: Lo Wang, please return here with all haste Zilla's men are invading the village. I believe they are looking for Kamiko. Your assistance would be appreciated.

Lo Wang: Damn. I'll be right there.

Kamiko: We have to get back there! Now!

Lo Wang: No shit, lady. Teleport us already.

Kamiko: OK, let me just get a lock on... oh. That's weird. I cant... feel the statue in town. It's like it's not there.

Lo Wang: Doesn't matter. Just get us anywhere close.

Kamiko: OK, nearest spot is… Um... It’s going to be a hike.

Lo Wang: Art of the possible, lady. Art of the possible.

Big Trouble in Calamity

Kamiko: Whoah. That’s a lot of soldiers.

Lo Wang: When was the last time you saw him give up on experiment. Surprised to took him this long. Figured we’d have you back in your body by now.

Kamiko: Oh! Sorry I messed up your plans.

Lo Wang: Hey, this is my head you're hiding out in. You think I’m happy to be harboring a known fugitive, especially one Zilla's interested in?

Kamiko: Don't worry, from the looks of this, I won't be your problem much longer.

Lo Wang: From your lips to my ass. (to a monster) You feel lucky, dipshit?

Kamiko: If they made it this far, they’re probably all the way into Smith’s inner sanctum. Hurry!

Lo Wang: I can get us there quickly or I can get us there alive. Quality mayhem takes time, you know.

[They find Hideo.]

Hideo: Zilla's men were heavily armed, but we fought them off. Unfortunately Master Smith was... gravely wounded.

Lo Wang: Gravely... How were Zilla’s men...

Hideo: Go to him. Quickly. He says it is important. I must go and guard the entrance.

Lo Wang: Stay alive, Hideo.

Hideo: That is the idea, sir.

[At the smith...]

Lo Wang: Hello? Kamiko? Anybody home? You OK?

Kamiko: I… It was like... being stabbed by a thousand fiery knives.

Lo Wang: Shit. Was it the same stuff they shot you up with before?

[They find Smith sitting on training field. He is seriously wounded in the stomach and bleeding to death.]

Kamiko: Oh no.

Lo Wang: This... could be a problem.

Smith: Ah. Good to see you. Both of youю

Lo Wang: What happened?

Smith: Kamiko's body, when it mutated and broke free, it was raging, incoherent. It came after me, but couldn't bring myself to harm her.

Kamiko: Wait... *I* killed him!?

Lo Wang: Try not to move. I’ll get help the Yakuza must have some…

Smith: I have tried. This wound is imbued with some sort of dark potency I am helpless to resist much longer. Indeed, I believe I have almost... reached the end... of my road.

Kamiko: No! Smith!

Lo Wang: He can’t hear you.

Kamiko: Then let me speak through you!

Lo Wang: I don’t know...

Smith: Listen, there’s something we must do. The cure is complete. Fetch me the the flask. From the... library.

[Wang brings the flask.]

Smith: Hello, young ones. This is an auspicious moment. I have completed my final meditation.

Kamiko: Let me talk to him.

Lo Wang: What do we need to do with this flask?

Smith: Keep it safe until you can find a way to administer it to Kamiko’s body. It will heal her. Then you will need a Chi bender to reverse the soul binding… ritual.

Lo Wang: I'm a Chi bender.

Smith: You cannot perform it on yourself.

Lo Wang: Let me guess, I’ll go blind?

Smith: Your soul would discorporate and become a wisp, adrift in the aether. I don't think you’d like it.

Lo Wang: Oh you mean like…

Kamiko: (crying) Will you let me talk?

Lo Wang: OK, OK. Smith, Kamiko wants to speak with you I m not really sure how this is going to…

Kamiko & Lo Wang: Smith?

Lo Wang: Whoah. Like that, I guess.

Smith: Yes, child.

Kamiko & Lo Wang: You can't die.

Smith: I'm afraid you are mistaken.

Kamiko & Lo Wang: You showed me I was worth something. And that I could fight to become something more.

Smith: I only saw what was already there. It is a rare occurrence when one person can truly help another. That is the gift you have given me.

Kamiko & Lo Wang: What will I do without you?

Smith: What you would have done with me. Leave here become yourself, save the world most likely. Do not shrink from greatness, child. Breathe into it. Become it. You need not find your path. It has been beneath your feet all this time. Now, to the amulet.

Kamiko & Lo Wang: The spirit well... but... wait…

Smith: There is no more waiting for me. In this way I can remain on your path a few moments longer.

Kamiko & Lo Wang: I will always love you.

Smith: And I you, my child. As for you, Lo Wang…

Lo Wang: Yeah?

Smith: Look after my students if you can. Easy on the dick jokes, OK? (dies)

Lo Wang: Shit, I hope I have the strength to go out like that when the time comes.

Kamiko: You... you... jerk!

Lo Wang: Me? What did I do?

Kamiko: He wasted his last words on you.

Lo Wang: I prefer to think that he ‘spent’ them on me.

Kamiko: If you ever... make another dick joke... I'll kill you.

Lo Wang: You can have my dick jokes when you pry them from my cold, dead wang

Kamiko: I'm never talking to you again.

Lo Wang: Finally!

[After literally a few seconds they encounter a demon with long legs.]

Kamiko: Is that… me?

Lo Wang: Either that or someone hid Bigfoot’s Prozac prescription.

[The fight begins.]

Lo Wang: Oh hello, new ammo friends. You ready to kill some people? Do you feel lucky, asshole? It's not whiskey, but it'll do. Nothing like a fresh clip.

[Kamiko’s body defeated. It grows a pair of arms.]

Kamiko: You have to catch me and give me that cure!

Lo Wang: Oh. That’s… er... inconvenient.

Kamiko: You idiot! You let me get away!

Lo Wang: Easy with the insults, lady. Let's not forget who's driving this bus.

Kamiko: Oh, believe me, I remember!

Lo Wang: OK, so let's just…

[Kamiko’s body runs away.]

Kamiko: An IDIOT!

Lo Wang: Ok, let's go.

Kamiko: Where?

Lo Wang: Anywhere but here.

[Suddenly he hears a voice.]

Woman: Lo Wang it has been too long.

Lo Wang: Ameonna? Is that you?

Ameonna: What you see is but a reflection. I am in my temple.

Lo Wang: Hey, listen, I’d love to catch up, but I kind of have the entire world up my ass right now. Can we...

Ameonna: Come. Take refuge with us. We will succor you.

Kamiko: Excuse me?

Ameonna: It is he least I can do for my brother's dear companion.

Lo Wang: Actually that sounds pretty good right about now.

Ameonna: It is settled then. Look for me between my mountains in the valley where the sun does not shine. Farewell for now.

Kamiko: Dude.

Lo Wang: What?

Kamiko: Her. I knew she was an idiot from the papers but that gave me full-body douche chills.

Lo Wang: You don't have a body.

Kamiko: Details. She’s a freak. And she was hitting on you.

Lo Wang: So we have a little history. I don't see what choice we have. She's offering us refuge.

Kamiko: She is offering us a one way ticket to creeperville.

Lo Wang: Good thing you're not driving.

[They teleports to the temple. At the gates...]

Lo Wang: Well I'll be! If it isn't my old pal fuckface!

Gatekeeper: Ameonna says you're to come inside.

Lo Wang: What, no metal detector? Guess you don't need those when you're immortal.

Gatekeeper: You are on sacred ground. I would appreciate it if you could respect that.

Lo Wang: And I would appreciate it If you choked on a peanut. We all have different struggles… Come on. Open up…

[He finds Ameonna in some sort of throne room.]

Ameonna: Hello! Is is me you're looking for? Lo Wang, it's been too long.

Kamiko: Freakshow...

Lo Wang: Oh, uh, hello.

Ameonna: Let me guess. You have worn out your welcome with yet another employer.

Lo Wang: You know me. Another day, another pink slip.

Ameonna: They, what was it you used to say? Can't uh, ‘handle the Wang?’

Lo Wang: Something like that, yes.

Ameonna: Well, here on the mountain we can definitely ‘handle the wang’. Please know that you may stay here as long as you need to rest, recuperate and plan your next move.

Lo Wang: Thank you, It's very much appreciated. There is actually one thing I think you can do for me.

Ameonna: Name it.

Lo Wang: This is going to sound weird.

Ameonna: I very much doubt you can surprise me.

Lo Wang: I have a young girl trapped in my head.

Ameonna: Oh I m so glad you said something! Are you actively transitioning? Have you told the important people in your life?

Lo Wang: No, no it's not…

Ameonna: No, no I understand. These things can be hard to talk about.

Lo Wang: It's more of a magical situation.

Ameonna: Oh, wonderful! I m so happy you're at peace with it, darling.

Lo Wang: No! I rescued a girl. She was mutated in one of Zilla's experiments. In order to save her, a Chi master placed her soul in mine while he fixed her body.

Ameonna: Oh how fascinating!

Lo Wang: Not really. He was killed. And now she’s stuck. I was wondering if you could put her soul back if we were able to locate her body.

Ameonna: Oh how fascinating! My darling... oh sorry, darlings? I would be delighted to help you. Transitions like these deserve to be marked with care. I am touched you would ask me.

Lo Wang: Oh. Wonderful.

Ameonna: Who is this girl?

Lo Wang: Oh, she’s the daughter of the Yakuza's big boss.

Ameonna: I see. So you have taken something precious to them.

Lo Wang: Believe me, I’d give her back if I could.

Ameonna: You two don't get along?

Lo Wang: Oh no, she's really, really wonderful, don't get me wrong… But yeah I want her the fuck out of my head.

Ameonna: Where is her body now?

Lo Wang: Yeah, so, that's the thing it sort of mutated into this giant monster beast thing and… ran away.

Ameonna: Oh, Lo Wang. You do get yourself into the most *marvelous* scrapes.

Lo Wang: Everyone has a talent.

Ameonna: We are simple folk up here of the mountain and do not invite adventure. I won't be able to help you get the body back. But if you can retrieve it and return it to its original form, I can sort out her soul for you.

Lo Wang: Excellent.

Ameonna: Oh, and if you find yourself with time on your hands, speak with Gozu. He has been getting overwhelmed with his duties and may need some help.

Lo Wang: Overwhelmed by doody? That sounds like Gozu. I'll check it out.

Kamiko: Well you certainly sound eager to get rid of me.

Lo Wang: Oh no! Not at all! You should think about redecorating in there, maybe get some curtains, spruce the place up a bit! You know, really make it your own.

Ameonna: There is one thing I will need in order to perform the soul joining ritual.

Lo Wang: And that is?

Ameonna: Ancestral Chi.

Lo Wang: Great, I'll just pick some up from the Piggly Wiggly.

Ameonna: Ancestral Chi is coded to each individual person and carried in the spirit of their families. I need a close relative. Or a body part.

Lo Wang: Hey, no problem. I'll go hack off her grandmother's arm!

Ameonna: Grandmother... no. Not enough power. It needs to be a parent or a sibling.

Lo Wang: She's an only child and her mom's dead.

Ameonna: Then you're looking for her father, I suppose.

Lo Wang: And how the fuck are we supposed to find him?

Ameonna: Bring me something of his and I may be able to help you.

Lo Wang: What, like one of his old Playboys?

Ameonna: A magazine would work. Clothing is better. A weapon is best. If you can manage it.

Lo Wang: Wonderful, we'll get right on that. (to Kamiko) So... any idea where you dad is?

Kamiko: No, but I know who does. My dear darling Mee-maw.

Lo Wang: Mamushi Heika?

Kamiko: You know, you're not as stupid as they say.

Lo Wang: She's not going to tell us anything, you know.

Kamiko: Oh she'll never tell us anything. But she carries something of his wherever she goes. His wakizashi.

Lo Wang: Why does she have his...

Kamiko: He gave it to her. To mark her as his favorite. It bears his chop, and as far as I can tell she never parts with it...

Lo Wang: So she won't mind if we borrow it for a tick?

Kamiko: I think she'd stab out your eyes if you looked at it too long.

Lo Wang: You know some people probably find that off-putting, but I love how direct she is.

[He goes to Gozu.]

Lo Wang: You wanted to see me, Eeyore?

Gozu: I don't know what to do!

Lo Wang: Oh no! Did you run out of adult diapers again?

Gozu: We have completely exhausted our supply of tea!

Lo Wang: I’m going to go ahead and file that under uptown problems. Do you have any idea how much that stuff costs these days?

Gozu: Ameonna takes her tea every day at 4. It simply cannot be missed!

Lo Wang: OK, where do you usually get it?

Gozu: We have tea plantations deep in the wildlands. But we have not had a shipment for days. I fear something terrible has happened.

Lo Wang: Well you're involved, so it's already pretty bad.

Gozu: Without tea, the goddess becomes... upset.

Lo Wang: Alright, alright I'll check it out. But just for the record, this is the least gangster thing I have ever done.

Gozu: Thank you Lo Wang. Your generosity be remembered for generations.

Lo Wang: Just like your body odor.

[Wang talks to Gozu gain after some time.]

Lo Wang: Awww… if it isn't the poster child for Prozac!

Gozu: We are supposed to be allies now.

Lo Wang: Come on, you're an immortal being. Aren't you even going to "try" to smite me?

Gozu: We have a problem. Ameonna has requested your assistance.

Lo Wang: What could be wrong up here on the mountain? Aren't you guys all walking around with rainbows and unicorns pouring out of your asses?

Gozu: It is not what's up here that's the problem. Some of our number have gone missing.

Lo Wang: Wait, let me get this straight. There were people who actually "chose" to stay the hell away from you? Who in their right mind would do such a thing?

Gozu: Laugh all you want, but this is serious. After going to town for supplies, several of our people never returned. Something foul is afoot.

Lo Wang: And let me guess, you want me to check it out.

Gozu: Ameonna believes the Yakuza may be responsible.

Lo Wang: And she'd send you, but you'd just whine them to death? (chuckles) I'll take a look around.

Demon Trafficking

[Wang sneaks into some castle in search of the missing cultists.]

Lo Wang: Well this doesn't look good.

Kamiko: Someone was held here against their will.

Lo Wang: What tipped you off, sherlock, the handcuffs or the cages?

Kamiko: The feelings I sense fear, anger. Lust.

Lo Wang: You can feel that?

Kamiko: Strong emotions leave behind ghost resonances. I've been sensitive to them since I was 2.

Lo Wang: If you can feel them, why can't I?

Kamiko: It's hard to say. But it could be, and stick with me here, because you're a violent, insensitive thug?

[Wang visits Larry's shop to get some info.]

Larry: Lo Wang! What can I interest you in today?

Lo Wang: Your customers are into some pretty fucked up stuff, Larry.

Larry: Oh I'm not the one to judge. Long as you ain't hurtin' nobody, that's what I say...

Lo Wang: This is the Yakuza we're talking about. Hurting people is what they do.

Larry: You're going to have to be more specific.

Lo Wang: OK, for our appetizer today we gonna have some light kidnapping. Then as an entrée, we have forced prostitution on the bed of human and demon trafficking. If you saved room, we have your choice of torture or murder for dessert.

Larry: Eh… I'm on a diet. And I'm not involved with anything like that.

Lo Wang: Maybe not directly, but your product was all over this place. These guys have to be some of your best customers. You ready to start spilling the beans?

Larry: Shit. All I know is they move around all the time. Set up in abandoned houses and use 'em til everything breaks.

Lo Wang: Including their sex slaves. How do I find these assholes?

Larry: The only place that stays the same is the main compound. But you won't get in without a retinal scan. If you catch my drift.

Lo Wang: Are you saying the entrance fee is one dead Yakuza head?

Larry: For shame. I would never suggest such a thing. And I would never cell you that one of those twisted fucks just left here. Check your map.

Lo Wang: Keep your nose clean, huh Larry?

Larry: Oh, that isn't my nose.

Lo Wang: Wait. What?

[Wang finds the Yakuza. He's wear a fkasy red fedora.]

Kamiko: Look! There he is.

Lo Wang: Oh my. If it isn't fuckface! My favorite asshole.

Yakuza: Who... Are you… Lo Wang?

Lo Wang: Good question! I'll let you know after I chop off your head.

[The Yakuza unsheaths his katana. The fight begins. Wang kills him and chops his head off.]

Lo Wang: My mama always told me, if you want to get anywhere in this world you have to use your head.

[He frees 2/5 cultists.]

Lo Wang: Come on, you gotta get out of here. Quick, you gotta get moving.

Lo Wang: (fighting demons) Not to sound like a racist, but all you demons do look alike…

[He finds the last cultists.]

Lo Wang: Can you move? If so, It's time to move. You ready to get out of here? Go, get out of here, back to Ameonna's.

[He teleports to the Palace of the Ancient to speak with Gozu.]

Lo Wang: I found your lost sheep. You'd better get them some medical attention.

Gozu: Where were they?

Lo Wang: The Yakuza had them in a brothel.

Gozu: A... what? That's... an abomination. I should, I... should…

Lo Wang: Get off your ass and do "a" thing? Oh but that would mean leaving her side, wouldn't it?

Gozu: I have duties.

Lo Wang: Yeah, Ameonna told me you were overwhelmed by doodles.

Gozu: You are always so unkind to me.

Lo Wang: And you sit up here on your self-pitying ass, waiting hand on foot for an immortal narcissist while the people you pretend to care for are victimized. Don't try to tell me you give a shit about humans. Your actions, sorry… inactions, tell the story.

Gozu: Do not speak Ill of the goddess.

Lo Wang: Don't get your pulse rate up on my account. I'm out of here, bitch.

[He claims his reward - a weapon called Kusarigama.]

Lo Wang: Hm. Says keep pointy end toward enemies.

Monster Tea Party

Kamiko: This is eerle. Where is everyone?

Lo Wang: I still don't get what the big deal is about tea.

Kamiko: People didn’t realize how much they liked it 'til it was gone.

Lo Wang: Oh... like Baywatch Nights.

Kamiko: After The Collision, all arable land was commandeered for growing food. The Yakuza had a large hoard of tea left over from before, and they doled it out little by little. It was even used as currency in some places. We always had it in the house.

Lo Wang: Oh, you poor, poor thing.

Kamiko: Their supply ran out a year ago. Every so often some shows up in the market, selling for outrageous prices and gone before you can turn your head. Zilla somehow always had a steady supply, though. Maybe it was from here.

Lo Wang: This is some serious hipster bullshit, growing tea in the post-apocalypse. Looks like these guys left in a hurry. Someone... or something scared them off.

Kamiko: And not a leaf left.

Lo Wang: If I didn't know better, I'd say this was the work of a roving band of foppish British noblemen.

Kamiko: Let's keep looking.

Lo Wang: Whoa. Found your tea!

Kamiko: Drowned in crude.

Lo Wang: These tracks don't leave much doubt as to who did this. It appears the tea bandit, madam, is you.

Kamiko: My body. I suppose it still craves tea as much as I do.

Lo Wang: And crude, from the looks of it.

Kamiko: Huh. I never thought to infuse crude with the tea. It's actually a brilliant idea.

Lo Wang: Even when you're a monster, you're innovating!

Kamiko: Hey what's that in the middle of those crates?

Lo Wang: What the fuck…

Kamiko: Pick it up!

Lo Wang: OK…

Kamiko: Smell it!

Lo Wang: This reminds me of something my Sifu used to do. I don't want to play that game.

Kamiko: Oh come on. I just want to know what it is.

Lo Wang: Sniff… Whoa...

Kamiko: It’s like a pure tea extract. A drop in water would be enough for an army.

Lo Wang: And you know what they say, an army runs on tea! Oh wait. No one says that.

[He returns to Gozu.]

Lo Wang: I have good news and I have bad news.

Gozu: Give me the bad news first.

Lo Wang: The tea fields had been ravaged. The workers have fled or been killed. The storehouse is empty and all the tea we found was corrupted with crude.

Gozu: What's the good news?

Lo Wang: The good news is that what I just said is going to totally bum you out. I guess that's only good news for me, though.

Gozu: I hate you.

Lo Wang: Aw! Buddy! I hate you too!

Flirty Fishing - part 1

Gozu: Oh, Lo Wang, thank you for coming. I have had the most distressing news.

Lo Wang: Your hamster got eaten by your bunnies?

Gozu: The situation is dire. Will you help or not?

Lo Wang: That depends what you're paying.

Gozu: It's always about the money with you, isn't it?

Lo Wang: No! Sometimes it's about sex. And sometimes... It's about sexy money.

Gozu: Will you shut up! There was a man here! He took photos of Ameonna while she was bathing!

Lo Wang: Bathing, huh? Scandalous!

Gozu: You cannot allow these photos to get out! Her reputation…

Lo Wang: Is already slutty enough?

Gozu: Enough talk.

Lo Wang: OK, fine, but I expect to be paid entirely in sexy money. None of that Ben Franklin stuff. Guy looks like 2 potato in a wig.

Gozu: Please, just... hurry!

[Wang chases the paparazzo.]

Lo Wang: Wow. Naked photos of Ameonna. Are we having fun now or what?

Kamiko: I just don't understand why anyone cares what she does. What has she ever actually done except walk around acting superior.

Lo Wang: Without her, the post-Collision time would have pretty rough. She's the only reason there wasn't an all-out war.

Kamiko: That was a stunt. Peace would have come eventually.

Lo Wang: Sure, once everyone was dead. It was going to be real peaceful then.

Kamiko: OK, what has she done lately?

Lo Wang: She bothers you because you think she has it easy. I'm not so sure about that.

Kamiko: Whatever, she's a big ball of nothing.

[Wang kills a small army of demons and finds the guy he was looking for. He tries to fix his scooter.]

Paparazzo: Stupid piece of garbage!

Lo Wang: Well aren't you a long way from home. You need some help?

Paparazzo: I… I almost got it.

Lo Wang: Out here, ‘almost’ turns city folk into breakfast.

Paparazzo: There! Now I can…

[They hear demonic noises in the forest.]

Lo Wang: Looks like you ran into a case of the almosts anyway.

Paparazzo: Aw crap.

Lo Wang: Not yet. First you're breakfast, "then" you're crap.

[He helps the Paparazzo and kills all the demons in the area.]

Lo Wang: Hey, where you going?

Paparazzo: I'm getting the hell out of this crazy place.

Lo Wang: Before you go, how about handing over the photos you took earlier.

Paparazzo: No way! I'm press, man! Ever hear of freedom of expression?

Lo Wang: You see a Bill of Rights around here somewhere? You got some pictures you weren't supposed to get.

Paparazzo: I'm practicing my art.

Lo Wang: Oh that's a good one. Hand ‘em over, Picasso.

Paparazzo: Fuck you!

[The paparazzo uses flash on his camera to blind Wang and escape.]

Lo Wang: What that little…

[He returns to Gozu.]

Gozu: Did you get what I asked for?

Lo Wang: Yeah, but it wasn't photos though it was video.

Gozu: Oh dear.

Lo Wang: Oh dear is right. It's not the only one. And he's got them set up to release to the papers if anything happens to him.

Gozu: So... what... what do I do?

Lo Wang: You find someone else's shoulder to cry on for starters. Later, gigglepuss!

Flirty Fishing - part 2

Lo Wang: Well if it isn't my favorite wart on the sphincter of humanity.

Gozu: The tapes. They're haunting me.

Lo Wang: Oooh, didn't think you swung that way.

Gozu: The followers... they keep bringing more. They are being sold! In Calamity! Can you find them?

Lo Wang: I don't think that will be much of a challenge.

Gozu: All of them?

Lo Wang: That might be an issue.

Gozu: You have to!

Lo Wang: Easy there, screamy. I'll see what I can do.

[Larry calls Wang.]

Larry: Hey look, it's the guy who'd be my favorite customer if he didn't keep killing off my other customers.

Lo Wang: Sorry, Larry, cost of doing business.

Larry: What do you need?

Lo Wang: I'm looking for tapes.

Larry: Oh, I got it all. Hey, you looking for that demon shit? Pretty messed up. From what I hear of course.

Lo Wang: No, no, no I'm looking for something... You got anything starring... the goddess?

Larry: Ohhhh... a connoisseur. Stuff ain't cheap, but I know a guy.

Lo Wang: OK, I want all of them. Every tape in town.

Larry: Easy, tiger. You don't hurt your sword arm.

Lo Wang: It's not for me, Larry.

Larry: Uh huh. Sure. Tell you what, how about we work a little quid pro quo.

Lo Wang: Sounds kinky.

Larry: A trade, numbskull. Looks like the Yakuza just found a stash of pre-Collision whiskey. Been giving it out to their men as bonuses. That stuff's like gold. I'll get you all the tapes I can find, if you can get me some of those bottles.

Lo Wang: Alright, you got a deal. Where are these guys?

Larry: Oh you'll see 'em. They're all over town, drunker'n a mancubus on payday.

Lo Wang: (laughs) I'll keep an eye out.

[He starts searching for the whiskey.]

Kamiko: You'd think a goddess would be free from earthly desires.

Lo Wang: What about heavenly desires?

Kamiko: Seriously, who would watch that? I don't get it. I'd rather be in the lab.

[Wang finds the whiskey and kills its owners. He returns to Larry's shop.]

Lo Wang: Oh Laaaaarry, have I got something for you.

Larry: Halle-fucking-lujah.

Lo Wang: Now, where the fuck are my tapes, man?

Larry: Right here. Just out of curiosity, what are you doing with these? That's a lot of porn. Even for you.

Lo Wang: Actually, I'm going to set them on fire. Client's orders.

Larry: What a waste.

Lo Wang: Like I said, not my call.

Larry: Well, If you're looking for more kindling, my supplier is in Zilla City.

Lo Wang: Your supplier?

Larry: Yeah, he's got hundreds of these things.

Lo Wang: I guess that stands to reason. You got an address for me?

Larry: Here, I'll mark it on your map.

[Wang returns to Gozu.]

Lo Wang: It's done. I destroyed everything down.

Gozu: What a relief.

Lo Wang: But you should probably know, Zilla City is crawling with them too.

Gozu: But… Awwwww…

Lo Wang: Have fun explaining that to the boss lady.

Flirty Fishing - part 3

Gozu: I have made an important discovery.

Lo Wang: That's great to hear. Just don't do it too much. You'll go blind.

Gozu: I watched one of the tapes.

Lo Wang: Check please!

Gozu: I skipped the awful parts!

Lo Wang: Yeah, the dialogue on those things is always terrible.

Gozu: Enough! I found something interesting. About my brother.

Kamiko: OK, this is getting weird.

Lo Wang: Your brother.

Gozu: Xing. The tapes are all watermarked with his seal.

Lo Wang: Meaning what.

Gozu: Meaning he made them!

Lo Wang: But that's impossible. He doesn't have any arms for one thing.

Gozu: I have no idea how he's involved, but I need you to go and speak with him.

Lo Wang: I live to serve.

[Wang pays Xing a visit.]

Lo Wang: I ran into something strange and wanted to check it out. Have you heard about these tapes of Ameonna going around?

Xing: I… It's complicated.

Lo Wang: Nothing I can't handle.

Xing: Ameonna and I have been… in touch.

Lo Wang: Just like old times, huh?

Xing: Not really. She was interested in... raising her profile, so to speak. She asked me for marketing advice. I told her sex sells. She decided to make a sex tape.

Lo Wang: Wait... "She" decided?

Xing: I hired someone to shoot it. She told me when to send them. I was to get the exclusive on it. Say it came from an anonymous source, the usual song and dance. Then we'd get the big story on the scandal before the tape slowly leaked out to the black marker. But she told me she chickened out.

Lo Wang: I've said it before and I'll say it again. You immortals are more twisted than humans any day. Anyway, looks like you got cut out of the loop.

Xing: I should have known. Anyone who would take that job can't be trusted to deliver the goods. Will you go and have a chat with him for me?

Lo Wang: Meaning will I kick the little shit's ass and destroy his product?

Xing: I'm glad we understand each other. I took the precaution of having a tracker placed inside his camera.

Lo Wang: Oooh... That's sneaky.

Xing: I'll send you his location. Also, can you destroy any vending machines you see along the way? I need to send a message this time.

Lo Wang: No problem.

Xing: One more thing. I hear he has tightened up his security. He has been making deliveries in a bulletproof van. I don't like the idea of this little pest moving about with impunity.

Lo Wang: Yeah, you don't want him feeling like he's I don t know... Immortal?

Xing: That's about the size of it.

Lo Wang: Sounds like a job for Mr. Dynamite. Got any?

Xing: I know where you can pick some up. Check your map.

Lo Wang: On my way.

Kamiko: And I thought my family was screwed up. This just gets sadder and sadder.

Lo Wang: Trust me, with Gozu, that well goes deep.

Kamiko: No, Xing! How could he do that to his own sister!

Lo Wang: I have a feeling there's more to this story. But yeah, there s no pretty way out of this, is there?

[Wang searches the city.]

Kamiko: That van! Is that him?

Lo Wang: Little fucking sleazeball! I think so. (places a C4 on the door) It's over, fuckface.

Paparazzo: What's over?

Lo Wang: You had a good little run there, playing both sides. But the ancients have been doing this longer than you or I can even imagine. And they don't take kindly to being fucked with.

Paparazzo: Whatever, I still got my product.

Lo Wang: You sure about that? I stopped by some of your vending machines and every single one of them had been smashed to pieces. It was uncanny!

Paparazzo: What? You asshole!

Lo Wang: Oh, and I hope you held onto that moped. Because I'm not a doctor, but it looks like your van is about to die of dynamite poisoning.

Paparazzo: No, not my van! Not my...

Lo Wang: Time to crawl back in your hole, bottom feeder.

[He returns to Gozu.]

Lo Wang: OK dumbass, your worries are over.

Gozu: The tapes are gone?

Lo Wang: Yes. But it won't do you much good unless you can stop Ameonna from making more.

Gozu: Wait, she's the one who…

Lo Wang: Yeah. And... I'm sorry. And for once I actually really mean it.

Gozu: I feel like you're setting me up to say something mean.

Lo Wang: Nah, this time, just being you is punishment enough.

Ancestral Ties

Lo Wang: So once we find your dad, we need to chop off one of his body parts.

Kamiko: I can think of a few that could go.

Lo Wang: Remind me not to cross you.

Kamiko: Little late for that, isn't it?

Lo Wang: OK, remind me to run the other way once you get your body back?

Kamiko: With pleasure.

[Wang fight his way to Mamushi Heika's office.]

Lo Wang: Honey’. I'm hooome. Miss me?

Mamushi Heika: You have done well to make it this far, Lo Wang. But this is where your journey ends.

Lo Wang: Really? Bummer. I'll let my travel agent know.

Mamushi Heika: What a pity this is your last day alive. You'll never realize that being clever is not the same as being wise. Kobun! Kill this asshole. (goes underground)

Lo Wang: Something tells me Mamushi Heika isn't just going to give us this sword.

Kamiko: You worried about losing a fight to a grandmother?

Lo Wang: No. I wanted to make sure you were OK with it if things got messy.

Kamiko: The messier the better when it comes to that bitch.

[Wang goes through the mansion you find the underground panic room.]

Lo Wang: Hey, you mind keeping your blood to yourself, please? Any Ideas how to get through this thing?

Kamiko: Well, that's a Z-Secure 9700 lock.

Lo Wang: And that means…

Kamiko: It's the most advanced lock Zilla makes. Unbreakable by almost anyone.

Lo Wang: I bet my pal Tri-Ni could do it.

Kamiko: Tri-Ni?

Lo Wang: That's Mr. Trotoluene to you.

Kamiko: Aww. Trinitrotoluene. Cute.

Lo Wang: I made a chemistry joke! Nothing? Not even a chuckle?

Kamiko: I don't do chuckling. If she keeps dynamite around, it'll be in the armory.

Lo Wang: You can take the fun out of "anything". Even dynamite.

[He searches the place for a while.]

Lo Wang: Ooh grandma, what a big arsenal you have. Heh, I made a joke about your grandma's arsenal.

Kamiko: That is just special. I hope you put that on your resume.

Lo Wang: Yeah, right. Right after ‘co-exists on a mutual mental plane well with others'.

[He finds the dynamite and sets it up on the door.]

Lo Wang: 3, 2, 1... Knock, knock, bitch!

[He blows his way to the panic room.]

Mamushi Heika: You seek my master. But you must know that I will never betray him.

Lo Wang: Oh I don't doubt that.

Mamushi Heika: Unlike you, I understand the value of loyalty. And honor, I knew the price of my bargain when I made it.

Lo Wang: Sure, one child. Cash on the barrelhead. How did your daughter feel about being pimped out to a sociopath? Sorry, I meant by a sociopath. Oh wait. I guess I mean both.

Mamushi Heika: She understood her destiny. To bear a child of greatness is a blessing.

Lo Wang: Kamiko? A child of greatness? Let's not get carried away.

Mamushi Heika: I gave everything I had for that ungrateful shit. Perhaps she will realize her destiny one day.

[She sticks a tanto in her guts.]

Lo Wang: Oh see, why'd you have to go and do that?

Mamushi Heika: I am willing to die for my ideals. Can you say the same?

Lo Wang: I'm willing to golf for my ideals. That's as far as I go.

Mamushi Heika: (coughs) A sybarite to the end.

Lo Wang: At least I'm consistent.

Mamushi Heika: Do you have the least shred of honor left in you? Will you finish what I have started?

[She dies. Wang takes the tanto and returns to Ameonna.]

Lo Wang: This should do the trick.

Ameonna: Ah! It is more than I had hoped for. Thank you, Lo Wang! This will do nicely. Give me some time and I will locate this mystery man.

Body Shaking

[To kill time Wang decides to visit Gozu.]

Lo Wang: Hey buttface! I see you face still looks like a butt. I like the commitment you're giving that.

Gozu: The goddess told me to inform you if we found signs of the body's whereabouts.

Lo Wang: That's great. Where is the overgrown meatball?

Gozu: I will mark the location of our last sighting on your map.

Lo Wang: Well, would you look at you! You know what? I'm going to upgrade you from worthless piece of shit to just plain old piece of shit.

Gozu: Ameonna says you need not fear hurting it. It has been gorging itself on Black Rain and is practically invulnerable now. Use everything you have to subdue it.

Lo Wang: It would be my pleasure.

Kamiko: Hey, this is my body we're dealing with. Easy on the merchandise.

Lo Wang: Hey, I don't come down to where you work and slap the... the…

Kamiko: The hexachlorobutadiene solution?

Lo Wang: Yeah! The hexa... chlora…

Kamiko: ...butadine.

Lo Wang: Outta your... hand.

Kamiko: Man you are sharp.

Lo Wang: Can you feel the body at all?

Kamiko: Now and then, vaguely. It's getting fainter all the time, though.

Lo Wang: Like when you sit on your hand and it feels like it belongs to someone else?

Kamiko: Yeah, just like that, only not disgusting.

Lo Wang: Come on, let's go beat up some you.

Kamiko: Don't sound so eager.

[Wang finds Kamiko's body.]

Lo Wang: Goodness me. Looks like you're growing up nicely.

Kamiko: Who are you, my creepy uncle?

Lo Wang: I'm the cool uncle who sneaks you beer and lets you drive his pickup.

Kamiko: Whatever. Listen, Gozu said it's been drinking straight crude. It's not just getting bigger, it's getting stronger.

Lo Wang: Wonderful. How long will that keep happening?

Kamiko: I can't tell.

Lo Wang: You can tell me. I'm a ninja.

Kamiko: Do you enjoy being an idiot? We need to stop this thing. The sooner the better.

[Wang begins to fight Devouring Kamiko.]

Lo Wang: Oh hello, new ammo friends. You ready to kill some fuckfaces?

Kamiko: Hey, not in the face! Hey, watch it!

[After taking enough damage the body runs away. Wang returns to Gozu.]

Gozu: Lo Wang, you have returned. But I do not see your booty.

Lo Wang: And you never will, you two-timing low down, no good... oh, you mean I didn't get the body back. Yeah, that's right.

Gozu: Ameonna will be displeased.

Lo Wang: Oh no! What's she going to do, frown me to death?

Gozu: Do you know where it is?

Lo Wang: Not exactly. But I know who has it. Zilla.

Gozu: Zilla! Oh but this is awful! I must tell my mistress immediately!

Lo Wang: Don't let me keep you.

All in the Family

[Wang goes to talk to Ameonna.]

Ameonna: Ah, Lo Wang. Are you ready for the next phase in your journey?

Lo Wang: I'm ready to be done running errands.

Ameonna: The path to growth often lies in the direction we least expect. Greet the unusual as an opportunity, not a burden. (holds the tanto) Hmmmm... I cannot see the exact location of Kamiko's father. Mamushi Heika left a powerful imprint on this item which is clouding my vision. But I can say with some certainty that you will find him in the general vicinity of the gates.

Lo Wang: We've been there. Didn't see any sign of him.

Ameonna: The universe places the unexpected in our path to show us its secrets. Perhaps he has recently gone there. Or perhaps you did not know what to look for. In any event, I am certain he is there now.

Lo Wang: What should I cut off him? (quietly) Please say his cock, his cock, his cock. Please, please, please...

Ameonna: Any body part will do.

Lo Wang: Yes!

Ameonna: But the hand is usually easiest.

Lo Wang: Aw fuck…

Ameonna: But you should go now to intercept him, in case he is on the move.

[Wang teleports to the gates to find this mysterious Oyabun.]

Lo Wang: You excited? Finally gonna meet your old man?

Kamiko: Yeah and help chop him up. Should be a real sweet scene.

Lo Wang: Shit. Remind me to never impregnate your mom then ignore you your whole life.

Kamiko: I don't think you're my mother's type.

Lo Wang: Not rich enough?

Kamiko: From what I can gather, she would have killed you before you could say ‘how'd you get your jeans so shiny?'.

Lo Wang: Sounds like my kind of lady.

Kamiko: And for the thousandth time today, I wish your soul had a shower in it.

Lo Wang: I think I recognize this area.

Kamiko: Yes, this is definitely looking familiar.

Lo Wang: Oh shit, it's Mezu again.

Kamiko: Get rid of him!

Mezu: Lo Wang! To what do I owe this… pleasure?

Lo Wang: I didn't come to see you, you washed up pile of demon crap. I'm looking for the Yakuza's big boss. The Oyabun.

Mezu: The Oyabun! Do you really think he'd hang around here? With ruffians such as myself?

Lo Wang: So you know him?

Mezu: Oh, he's quite a fascinating character. What will you do once you've found him?

Lo Wang: Chop a few pieces off him. I only need one, but with this guy... let's just say it's personal.

Mezu: Oh dear, I don't think he'll stand for that.

Lo Wang: Everyone has a breaking point. Mamushi Heika certainly did.

Mezu: Nonsense! She would never betray me.

Kamiko: Betray... him?

Lo Wang: So… you're...

Kamiko: No. It's not possible…

Mezu: There is no point in secrecy any longer. My goodwill attempts have been terminally undermined by my misbegotten offspring.

Kamiko: WHAT!?

Lo Wang: What does a god want with a Yakuza boss anyway?

Mezu: I needed something. She needed something.

Lo Wang: Oh I remember now, you provided the muscle to keep her in power and she let you violate her daughter. Cute.

Mezu: I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Lo Wang: Oh no, I get it. Power for sex. Oldest arrangement in the book. And hey! You even got a kid out of the bargain.

Mezu: She is no concern of yours.

Lo Wang: Well I hate to break this to you, but Daddy's little girl is all grown up. And she's not your biggest fan.

Mezu: The feelings of the half-breed are of no consequence to me.

Kamiko: I'll kill him. I'll kill him dead.

Lo Wang: (singing) When you coming back, dad, I don't know when, but we'll have a good time then, dad, you know we'll have a good time then. Oh, gets me everytime.

Mezu: I'm glad you amuse yourself so. The rest of the world laughs at you, why shouldn't you join in?

Lo Wang: I'll take laughingstock over rapist any day.

Mezu: It was a business arrangement!

Lo Wang: You keep digging, buddy. There's a pony down there somewhere.

Mezu: If you've thrown in your lot with my sister, there's nothing I can do for you. She is as duplicitous as she is asinine. Oh, and I'm terribly sorry, but I can't spare any body parts today, Lo Wang. But be sure to come see me after my dear sister hangs you out to dry. I do so enjoy a good laugh. I'll be in Mamushi Helka's old office above the laundry.

Lo Wang: There goes the neighborhood. Oh, and just so you know, I do take starch in my shirts, but not too much! Makes me itchy. Have a nice day, dickface.

[Wang teleports back to the Palace.]

Kamiko: Well that explains a lot.

Lo Wang: Yeah, like why Mamushi Heika sent us on that bullshit errand where we ‘accidentally' met him.

Kamiko: And why I've felt like a freak my whole life.

Lo Wang: Well I'm glad it was edifying for you, Doctor Fascinating. Remind me not to rent you space in my head again. I've had enough of your screwed up family.

Kamiko: I suppose your family was better?

Lo Wang: I've been on my own since I was five years old. I barely remember them.

Kamiko: I've spent three years with mine and can't forget a moment.

Lo Wang: Wait a second.

Kamiko: I meant… twenty three…

Lo Wang: No, wait, that's impossible. The Collision was 5 years ago and Mezu couldn't have met your mom before. Oh. My. God. Seriously? You're three years old. I have a three year old running around inside my head.

Kamiko: A three year old half-demon...

Lo Wang: How reassuring. Let's go see your auntie. Maybe she'll be able to add some kind of toxic cherry to this shit sundae.

[Wang approaches the goddess.]

Ameonna: My bravest warrior. You have returned to me.

Kamiko: Could she be a little more smarmy?

Lo Wang: Shut up. I'm afraid I don't have good news.

Ameonna: Frustration is just the universe tickling your belly.

Lo Wang: I didn't get the hand.

Ameonna: You are alive, though. Where there is breath, there is hope.

Lo Wang: Where there is breath, there are bullshit feel-good platitudes.

Ameonna: Have I done something to anger you?

Lo Wang: No more than anyone else who almost gets me killed.

Ameonna: Oh! The Oyabun gave you trouble then?

Lo Wang: Only insofar as he’s an immortal demon lord. The Oyabun is Mezu.

Ameonna: So it is.

Lo Wang: Wait, you knew?

Kamiko: That two faced, conniving little…

Ameonna: It was obvious from the way he conducted his affairs. Let's just say it had my brothers… aroma.

Lo Wang: So why did you... Oh. You were trying to kill me. Figures.

Ameonna: Oh no! I never meant to harm "you", my noble champion.

Lo Wang: Well you've got a funny way of showing it.

Ameonna: I was, however, trying kill "her".

Lo Wang: Her?

Ameonna: Your little hitchhiker.

Lo Wang: Kamiko.

Ameonna: Indeed.

Lo Wang: And me dying in the process was…

Ameonna: A regrettable side effect. I feel absolutely dreadful about it.

Lo Wang: You poor thing.

Ameonna: But it seems I underestimated you. You chose the path of nonviolence.

Lo Wang: As did your brother.

Ameonna: No matter. I had hoped to keep my conscience clean on this, but desperate times call for violent deaths. Gozu, dear?

Gozu: Yes, Mistress?

Ameonna: Can you please kill this man for me?

Gozu: (with pleasure) Yes, Mistress.

Ameonna: There's a good boy. Goodbye, Lo Wang. Do try to stay dead this time.

Lo Wang: Hey! Wait! I was... Just a heads up? When I get out of here, I'm planning on destroying your entire family.

Kamiko: I will hold your coat.

[Wang fights for his life against Ameonna’s succubi. When he wins he see the front gate was sealed.]

Lo Wang: What the hell is this?

Kamiko: It's sealed with some kind of chi power.

Lo Wang: So unseal it.

Kamiko: What do you think I am, some kind of genie?

Lo Wang: Oh, I'm sorry, you're just the daughter of an immortal being from another realm. Didn't meant to overestimate you.

Kamiko: I might be able to disrupt it, but I'd need a way to focus.

Lo Wang: Ever try a coffee enema? They're quite invigorating.

Kamiko: Find me something to channel my Chi through.

Lo Wang: I'll try. Should I also put the kettle on, just in case?

[They find a secret room underground with a sword on an altar.]

Lo Wang: You know, your uncle wasn't too shabby with the Chi magic. You think his sword could help?

Kamiko: I don't see too many other options right now, do you?

Lo Wang: Hey, you don't think any part of his energy might still be in this thing, do you?

Kamiko: Oh you mean like, maybe your old friend could magically, but heartbreakingly, speak to you from beyond the grave?

Lo Wang: You think?

Kamiko: Wait, shhhh!

Lo Wang: What?

Kamiko: Listen!

Lo Wang: What am I listening to.

Kamiko: The sound of gullibility.

Lo Wang: Whoah… something's happening with this sword.

Kamiko: I know, I'm focusing my Chi through it. Hold it out?

Lo Wang: OK, there, you... whoah!

[The sword radiates with blue energy.]

Lo Wang: Thanks, old buddy. You and your niece make a pretty good team.

Kamiko: Huh?

Lo Wang: Nothing.

[Using the sword Wang cuts through the seal.]

Kamiko: Weird.

Lo Wang: What?

Kamiko: I thought when we got out of that room we'd be able to teleport, but I still can't feel the statues. It's like something's jamming me.

Lo Wang: Could it be those two giant sparkly towers?

Kamiko: Huh, maybe.

Lo Wang: I should probably destroy them. Just in case. There we go, one tower rubble-ized.

Kamiko: Is that even a verb?

Lo Wang: It is now.

Kamiko: That definitely changed the interference patterns. If you break the other one, I might be able to get us out of here.

Lo Wang: Destroying things is how I assuage my crippling fear of impotence!

Kamiko: That's awfully insightful of you.

Lo Wang: I just figured I'd beat you to it. Boom goes the tower. How's the weather now?

Kamiko: Sunny skies. We are cleared for takeoff.

Lo Wang: Let's go stomp some demon butts.

Kamiko: Hey, those are my people.

Lo Wang: Everyone's somebody's people. It's their fault if they get in my way. I hate to do it, but we need to go see your pop.

Kamiko: There has to be another way.

Lo Wang: I don't like dealing with him any more than you do, but Smith is dead, Gozu hates me and Ameonna is cuckoo for coco puffs. You know anyone else that can put your soul back in your body?

Kamiko: He'll find a way to make it about him.

Lo Wang: You guys can have your Paper Moon moment in your own time, OK? I've got a broken shell of a life to get back to.

[They visit Kamiko's dad.]

Lo Wang: Mezu, you may be a supernatural pervert, but you had your sister's number.

Mezu: She tried to kill you? What a surprise.

Lo Wang: Not the first woman to put a hit out on me.

Mezu: And you've come crawling back to ask my forgiveness?

Lo Wang: Not exactly. More like a favor. I think we can help each other out.

Mezu: Go on.

Lo Wang: I have information about Kamiko.

Mezu: I have seen her, in the forest, drinking from the dark pools. Corrupted beyond all recognition.

Lo Wang: Why did you father her in the first place?

Mezu: The gates must be resealed. I used Ameonna before, but she has proven... infirm.

Lo Wang: Try psychotic.

Mezu: I am made of sterner stuff. I wanted the seal to endure this time, so I planned to fusion it from something which sprang from me instead. It was all for not though. It was all for naught, though. Kamiko is beyond hope.

Kamiko: Tell him.

Lo Wang: Really?

Kamiko: Do it. Tell him I'm here!

Lo Wang: You know... that's just her body. Her soul is intact.

Mezu: What? Where is she?

Lo Wang: Right here.

Mezu: Your mouth was making those nonsensical sounds again. Can you do something about that?

Lo Wang: She's in my head, dickwad.

Mezu: What? I don't think… Ahhhhhh... Ingenious. I'm impressed.

Lo Wang: Better yet, I have a serum that will reverse the damage to her body. If we can administer it, can you put your soul back?

Mezu: Mr Wang, I believe we have an understanding. And hello, Kamiko. It's good to finally meet you. Even if it is through this... lesser creature.

Kamiko: Fuck you very much, you miserable piece of shit. I oughtta...

Lo Wang: Yeah, she's very touched. Let's get to work.

Stop the Ooze

Mezu: I have dispatched scouts across the breadth of Onishima. Kamiko's body will be found. In the meantime, there is something I need you to do.

Lo Wang: Now we're favor buddies? Did I miss something?

Mezu: This benefits you as much as me. It simply won't do if we save the universe minutes after my sister destroys it.

Lo Wang: You have a point.

Mezu: Have you noticed all the crude in the forest?

Lo Wang: It's been around since the Collision.

Mezu: Not at this volume. In the past few weeks, Ameonna's priests have been conjuring it everywhere they can. I think they are trying to destabilize the gates.

Lo Wang: Maybe someone just did a shitty job sealing the gates.

Mezu: The seal would have held if you hadn't meddled in affairs beyond your station.

Lo Wang: It was in the service of kicking your ass, I think history will forgive me.

Mezu: We'll have to see about that. Ameonna's high priest is out in the forest spawning ooze.

Lo Wang: Is that a euphemism?

Mezu: Go and stop him, you idiot.

[Wang does what he was asked and returns to Mezu.]

Mezu: Lo Wang, you accomplished something without destroying the universe! How wonderful.

Lo Wang: Aw, Mezu! You're in such a good mood. Did you just come from strangling some kittens?

Mezu: I'm afraid I have exhausted my stash. Right now, I'm just high on life. If we're still calling it that.

Lo Wang: Hey, tell me something, what's beyond those gates anyway. Why do we need to seal them up?

Mezu: It is impossible to describe in human language. In simplistic terms it is... the shadow of… reality. The opposite of everything known. All that is unseen.

Lo Wang: What will happen if the gates open?

Mezu: Our worlds would be sucked together, bound forever in a chaotic morass. A world with meaning, devoid of shadow and light.

Lo Wang: And Ameonna's been keeping them apart single-handed? No wonder she went a little nuts.

Mezu: She was an unfit vessel. She was always the weakest of us.

Lo Wang: I love that you are not afraid to be nurturing.

Mezu: It is almost time. You should get your affairs in order, such as they are. Take care of any unfinished business and then meet me back here. Once we begin this, there will be no turning back.

Lo Wang: Oooh, exciting!

Mezu: Xing has agreed to help us locate Kamiko's body. But he is in a... delicate situation.

Lo Wang: He's selling Zilla out.

Mezu: Those who turn on their employers are not often treated well.

Kamiko: Tell me about it.

Mezu: Especially if they have no legs.

Lo Wang: Makes it hot to do a runner.

Mezu: So you can understand his reluctance to transmit this information over Zilla's communications network.

Lo Wang: Zilla would be on him like farts on Gozu.

Mezu: Indeed. You must go and see him in person. He will direct you to the body Once you have freed it, meet me at the Outer Gates.

Lo Wang: How the fuck am I supposed to get it there?

Mezu: Thanks to its thirst for Black Rain, the body will naturally be drawn to the gates. But we must be careful to intercept it before it arrives. If it drinks too deeply, it may become too powerful to control.

Lo Wang: Wait, wait, wait. Let me make sure I have this straight. I'm going to free a monster, then keep it away from the thing it wants most, and if I fall, the world ends?

Mezu: We don't go to war with the plan we want, we…

Lo Wang: ...go to war with the plan foisted on us by supernatural sociopaths. It's not my first rodeo, skippy. Let's do this.

Heisenberg - part 1

[Wang visits the ninja girls - Black Kyoko and White Kagami.]

Lo Wang: So, ladles, we're allies now, right? Truce?

Kyoko: Oh definitely, darling.

Kagami: I wouldn't count on it.

Lo Wang: Oh! Glad we're clear on that. You want to settle it now? Just get it out of the way?

Kagami: I'd rather it come as a surprise.

Kyoko: We like surprises.

Lo Wang: Wonderful. So, Mezu needs something?

Kyoko: Oh yes. Something sweet.

Kagami: And forbidden.

Lo Wang: Oh I ve got something like that right here. You wanna see it?

Kyoko: Maybe later.

Kagami: When we cut it off. For now we need something more practical.

Kyoko & Kagami: Shade.

Lo Wang: The drug? Why?

Kyoko: Mezu says you have the inventor living in your head.

Kagami: It would be a shame not to put her to work.

Lo Wang: What the fuck does he need it for?

Kagami: Do you always question your orders? Or just today?

Kyoko: You'll need to gather the raw materials, dear. Time is of the essence.

Lo Wang: So happy to be working with you two again.

Kyoko: Oh. The pleasure…

Kagami: ...is all mine.

Kamiko: What does Mezu want Shade for?

Lo Wang: Maybe he likes to take the edge off now and then.

Kamiko: I don't even know if Shade would have an effect on him. He's probably too powerful.

Lo Wang: Mezu doesn't waste effort. If he is asking for it, it has something to do with his plan.

Kamiko: Oh, and about those two…

Lo Wang: The Tweediedee and Tweedilestupid?

Kamiko: They seem... unstable.

Lo Wang: No shit. Plus, I double crossed them a few years back. I'm expecting payback at some point.

[Wang searches for the ingredients.]

Kyoko: Do you have it?

Lo Wang: Relax, I'm doing my best.

Kyoko: That's what I'm afraid of.

[Wang returns to the girls with all the ingredients.]

Lo Wang: We got everything. It's like junkie Christmas!

Kagami: Wonderful.

Kyoko: Now we need to find a place for you to cook it.

Lo Wang: Not me, sisters. People blow themselves up all the time cooking this stuff.

Kyoko: Your little helper knows how to do it safely.

Kagami: And If you do blow up, don't worry, we'll be here to piss on the pieces.

Lo Wang: That's cute.

Heisenberg - part 2

Lo Wang: So, did you find a place, or did you decide to just wait around until you got fired for incompetence again?

Kyoko: Oh, Lo Wang. You are a caution.

Kagami: And soon you'll be a cautionary tale.

Kyoko: Don't let him provoke you, my love. We have a place, laughing boy.

Lo Wang: OK, OK, let's get this over with. Where is it.

Kyoko: It's Zilla Labs.

Lo Wang: Are you insane? Why would we do anything there?

Kagami: They closed it after the security breach. But it's still full of shiny clean lab equipment, just begging to be cooked in.

Lo Wang: And how exactly do you plan on getting in there?

Kagami: We checked, our codes still work.

Lo Wang: You guys thought of everything, huh?

Kagami: You'll find we are quite thorough in everything we do.

Kamiko: There is definitely something wrong with those two.

Lo Wang: Nothing a little cyanide won't fix.

Kamiko: Seriously, have you seen their eyes?

Lo Wang: I've been trying to go with them, actually.

Kamiko: They seem a little Shady.

Lo Wang: You think? I'll keep an eye out.

[He teleports near the labs.]

Lo Wang: Seriously, am I going to blow myself up when I do this?

Kamiko: As long as you follow my instructions exactly, you'll be fine. Remember, this is my butt on the line too.

Lo Wang: Right.

[He enters the lab.]

Lo Wang: Whoa, looks like someone had a party in here.

Kamiko: Ugh. We need to put my setup back together. And that's it. We're done. Let's get out of here, this place creeps me out.

Lo Wang: You worked here until last week.

Kamiko: Yeah, when J got kidnapped and experimented on.

Lo Wang: I can see how that might dampen your nostalgia for this place.

Kamiko: Plus it reminds me of when things were good. And that things will never be like that again.

Lo Wang: Too many fond memories of messing with living beings until they die?

Kamiko: Isn't that "your" job description?

Lo Wang: Touché.

[Wang returns to the girls with Shade.]

Kyoko: So... Everything come out OK?

Kagami: Where is it? Do you have it?

Lo Wang: Relax. Everything went great

Kyoko: So... where…

Kagami: ...is it?! Hand it over!

Lo Wang: Easy there, screamy, this ain't my first rodeo. You think I'd bring the merchandise to the negotiations?

Kagami: What the fuck are you talking about?

Kyoko: Everything was supposed to be settled, dear.

Lo Wang: The job went off the rails a little. Zilla's men showed up. I'm going to need hazard pay.

Kagami: You greedy motherfucking…

Kyoko: Easy darling. It wouldn't do to upset our esteemed colleague. We'll sweeten the pot, that's all.

Kagami: We'll be in touch, Wang.

Heisenberg - part 3

Kagami: We've got your payment, Wang.

Lo Wang: Oh good. Small bills, trust?

Kyoko: Oh, this is worth far more than money.

Lo Wang: Nothing is worth more than money. If there's enough of it.

Kagami: It's a white Datsun.

Kyoko: In mint condition.

Lo Wang: Well, well, well! I must say that's actually very thoughtful.

Kyoko: It's the least we could do, darling.

Lo Wang: So where is it?

Kagami: You think we'd bring it to the negotiations? It's not our first rodeo elther.

Kyoko: We'll be in touch.

Kamiko: They're definitely Shady. Hooked bad.

Lo Wang: The only thing I like better than dealing with assassins is dealing with drug addict assassins.

Kamiko: What now?

Lo Wang: We get that fucking car.

[He gets to the place the girls send him to.]

Kyoko: Hey lover, would you kindly kill those things for us? We don't want to break a nail.

Lo Wang: Would you kindly bite me?

Kagami: That's a dangerous question.

[Wang kills the fat troll they ask him to kill.]

Lo Wang: Another day, another demon. OK, I've got the keys, where's the car?

[The girls send him to one hell of a road to the car. But… it explodes then Wang gets there.]

Lo Wang: Holy fuck!

Kamiko: What the hell?!

Lo Wang: The old carbomb trick. A classic. Those bitches are fucking dead. Dead!

[He kills the bitches in body armor and goes to the Oyabun.]

Mezu: What do you want, Wang?

Lo Wang: I've got bad news and good news. Which do you want first?

Mezu: Bad. Always bad.

Lo Wang: I just smoked Kyoko and Kagami.

Mezu: Why would you do such a thing?

Lo Wang: They were strung out. Just using you for their next shot of Shade.

Mezu: Can I guess the good news? You just smoked Kyoko and Kagami.

Lo Wang: Guess I need some new material, huh?

Mezu: It couldn't hurt.

[Someone calls Wang.]

Lo Wang: You've got Wang!

Kyoko: No we don't. But we got what we wanted.

Lo Wang: Holy shit. You're alive?

Kyoko: You think we're idiots? We weren't in those suits.

Lo Wang: I should have known. They fought too well.

Kagami: You know, I'd care a lot more about your little insults if I didn't have the biggest bag of Shade in the known universe sitting in front of me.

Lo Wang: You sample the merchandise?

Kyoko: Of course, we jus… BLRDKJDIJJDIDDID!

Kagami: Shit you said it was clean, Wang! This kijsdlmsdiojsdojisdoji…

Lo Wang: Damn, sounds like they got an armful of something.

Kamiko: I may have taken a few... liberties with the recipe. They won't be bothering you for a while.

Lo Wang: You know it's true what they say. Only users lose drugs. Or something along those lines.

One More Thing

[Wang returns to his house.]

Kamiko: I can't believe it. Zilla's using my research to build soldiers.

Lo Wang: What did he tell you?

Kamiko: That we were saving humanity.

Lo Wang: (laughs) Uh huh. I bet he also said he enjoyed long walks on the beach at sunset and puppies.

Kamiko: What do we do? We have to stop him!

Lo Wang: Stopping Zilla is going to take some resources.

Kamiko: Hmmm... You know, if we could get a sample of the Chi chip he's using, I might be able to do something.

Lo Wang: Oh, no problem. I'm sure he just leaves them lying around.

Kamiko: No, I know precisely where they'll be. Head to Zilla's R&D facility.

Lo Wang: That better stand for Rum and Daiquiris.

Kamiko: Just get over there!

[Wang receives a call from Xing on his laptop.]

Lo Wang: Moshi moshi.

Xing: Lo Wang? It's Xing.

Lo Wang: My favorite decapitated immortal TV personality!

Xing: I wonder if you could help me with something.

Lo Wang: I wonder if you could help me with some cash.

Xing: Oh I'll pay, but I think you'll enjoy this job. Ameonna's followers have set up a pirate TV station. They're using it to recruit new members of her cult.

Lo Wang: What? Using TV to influence people's opinions? For shame! Let me guess, you want to make their transmitter fall down, go boom?

Xing: I do not fear competition. Besides, their production values are atrocious.

Lo Wang: (laughs) So what's the play?

Xing: I have prepared a special piece of propaganda for them. All I need you to do is swap it in for one of the regular tapes.

Lo Wang: Information warfare. I like it.

Xing: I thought you might.

[Wang infiltrates Zilla's lab and finds the chip.]

Lo Wang: That's it?

Kamiko: Yup.

Lo Wang: It's so... small.

Kamiko: Size isn't everything.

Lo Wang: That's what she... wait. (smirks) Never mind.

Kamiko: This is a huge breakthrough. He never could have done it without my work. But he knew I'd never stand by and let him do... "this".

Lo Wang: What does it do?

Kamiko: This chip pairs with an implant that replaces the subject's pineal glands. When activated, it titrates the amount of Compound 61 released into the subject's system.

Lo Wang: It's like a Shade IV? Nasty!

Kamiko: Yup. And it's vulnerable as hell. There. All set.

Lo Wang: What did you do?

Kamiko: This is a remote control that will let me hijack Zilla's with connection to his soldiers.

Lo Wang: And that means…

Kamiko: It means today's press conference is going to be... entertaining.

Lo Wang: I'll get some popcorn.

Stop the Propaganda

[Wang teleports to Zilla City to help Xing plant his program.]

Lo Wang: I have to say, I'm impressed with the way these ancient gods have adapted to modern technology. And propaganda tools.

Kamiko: Oh they've been into propaganda since way back. What do you think divine visions are?

Lo Wang: Ads. (laughs) Huh. I never thought of it that way.

Kamiko: Followers don't just show up, you know.

Lo Wang: Just when I thought I couldn't get any more cynical.

Kamiko: I bet you more people believe in Xing than the Beatles at this point.

Lo Wang: (singing) I wanna hold your heeeeead. I wanna hold your head.

Kamiko: I want you to promise me that you'll never do that again.

Lo Wang: (continues singing) Head! I need a body. Head! Not just any body. Head! You know I'm just a head… Heeeead!

Kamiko: Seriously. Quit it.

Lo Wang: (continues singing) I head the news today, oh boy. (laughs) OK, OK, I'll stop.

[He finds a laptop atop a tall building.]

Lo Wang: Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting Wang. Interrupting Wang...? We interrupt this joke to bring you the following message. Sit on it, nerds!

[He installs the program on the laptop that surprisingly has Mother Russia Bleeds in it.]

Lo Wang: Xing, I'm in.

Xing: Excellent. Plant the files and get out of there. You might want to pick up some popcorn on the way home. This is going to be fun.

Lo Wang: What was on the tape?

Xing: Oh, just some home movies my sister gave me.

Lo Wang: I didn't know deities went in for that sort of thing.

Xing: I figured if she want to be a proper celebrity, she need to have a sex scandal.

Lo Wang: (laughs) Oh, this is going to confuse Gozu something fierce.

Xing: And I know what my top story will be on tomorrow's broadcast.

Lo Wang: Creating your own news! A bold approach.

Xing: Innovation doesn't always happen in a lab.

Corporate Shill

Kamiko: You don't actually trust that guy, do you?

Lo Wang: Your dad? Fuck no!

Kamiko: OK, good. And he's not my dad he's just a guy who made me alive.

Lo Wang: And the difference is…

Kamiko: He didn't raise me, he's not my dad. You have to earn it! Besides, dads tend to be less… oh what's the word... rapey?

Lo Wang: Fair enough.

Kamiko: And murderey. If it wasn't for him my mom would still be alive.

Lo Wang: Yeah, but you wouldn't.

Kamiko: But I still get to carry around the guilt. The sooner I'm clear of this family the happier I'll be.

Lo Wang: My feelings exactly.

[He defeats Zilla Corps. He goes to talk to Xing.]

Lo Wang: Whoo! Now, that was invigorating. Any luck finding that body?

Xing: Yes, I'll have the location shortly.

Kamiko: Ask him about the gates!

Lo Wang: Oh yeah, I've been meaning to ask. Were you there the first time the gates were sealed? What happened?

Xing: Ah! Now there is a tale. It all began twelve eons ago when…

Lo Wang: Can you give us the 30 second version?

Xing: Hmm. You mortals have no attention spans.

Lo Wang: We, uh, like have to go, and uh, save the world and stuff?

Xing: Very well. All energy in the Shadow Realm is derived from the chaotic forces of the vold. But unadulterated, those forces subsume us to their primordial flux. That is why Enra launched our war against the forces of chaos, to wrest back control. The battle raged for centuries, until my armies prevailed, pushing chaos into abeyance. Hoji then constructed a powerful set of enchanted gates to contain them, and Mezu sealed them with a ritual, using the only thing we had that was powerful enough.

Lo Wang: Gozu's farts?

Xing: Ameonna's soul.

Lo Wang: Ah. Probably smells worse.

Xing: The trouble was, we still needed the energy from beyond the gates to power our world. But now it had to flow through Ameonna. It put an immense strain on her. Hence the tears.

Lo Wang: Which became your fuel…

Xing: Yes. It is shocking to think about now. It might have worked had we been modest in our use of it. Instead Enra, Mezu, even Hoji used the power of Ameonna's rain to fuel their desires, building monuments to their own greatness. Then, to protect the flow of energy they isolated her. Loneliness and sorrow slowly drove her mad. Hoji and Enra's deaths seem to have pushed her past the brink. Hence her recent behavior.

Lo Wang: You mean the sex tape, or the trying to destroy the universe thing?

Xing: Both. Here. Block B. That's where they're holding the body today. Good luck, dear boy. Don't go and get yourself killed. Now if you'll excuse me, my public needs me.

Violent Takeover

[Wang searches for the way to get to Zilla HQ.]

Lo Wang: Hmmmm. Getting in here could be a challenge.

Kamiko: Unless you call Xing and have him open the door.

Lo Wang: Unless I did that indeed. Hey, Xing?

Xing: You Wang?

Lo Wang: Hey, that's my line.

Xing: Good artists borrow, great artists steal.

Lo Wang: Hey, can you give me a hand getting in the building here? I left my key in my other pants.

Xing: You have other pants? Fancy. OK, give me just one... there.

Lo Wang: Thanks, buddy. You always keep me 'a-head' of the game.

Xing: You are lucky I have a sense of humor.

[Wang enters the Zilla Tower and find Kamiko's body.]

Lo Wang: Oh look! There you are!

Kamiko: Do you have any idea how weird it is to see myself like this?

Lo Wang: As a thirty foot tall monstrosity? I'm actually a little jealous.

Kamiko: Come on, there's no time to lose. The only way in there is through Zilla's office. We'll need a keycard.

Lo Wang: You've been here before?

Kamiko: This is my old stomping ground, sweetie. Crap, that sounded like you, didn't it?

Lo Wang: It kind of did. Never do that again.

Kamiko: I promise.

[Wang gets an elevator to Zilla's office.]

Orochi Zilla: Lo Wang! I thought I smelled comic books and hand lotion.

Lo Wang: You lost a hand the last time we met, Zilla. I don't recommend testing me again.

Orochi Zilla: Oh I wouldn't dream of it. An old man like me is no match for the mighty Lo Wang. But I'm curious, what's your angle here? Why have you come for this monstrosity?

Lo Wang: Everyone else seems to want her. I just wanted to hang with the cool kids.

Orochi Zilla: Turn back, Lo Wang. She is beyond help now. There was a time when I thought this poor thing might be my greatest achievement, but alas. It appears she did not have the inner fortitude for it.

Lo Wang: Throw another corpse on the slag heap of progress?

Orochi Zilla: Progress requires sacrifice.

Lo Wang: Sure. Just not by you.

Orochi Zilla: I am humanity's last, best hope. I am all that stands between us and oblivion. My methods might appear reckless, but I assure you, under the circumstances, they are vital.

Lo Wang: That's fucking great. I'll grab my corpse shovel.

Orochi Zilla: When the gates fall, the soldiers of Project Hope will be the only thing that can save us. You would have made an excellent candidate yourself. A little headstrong, perhaps, but I have a Chi chip that can fix that.

Lo Wang: I'd die first.

Orochi Zilla: If you insist.

[Zilla jumps on a Machanoid. Epic fight begins.]

Lo Wang: Oh hello, new ammo friends. You ready to kill some people? Fucking hell!

[He wins the battle.]

Lo Wang: We have to stop meeting like this. Hey, I know, want to go out together? This shithole never appreciated us anyway.

Orochi Zilla: Cynicism is the refuge of the morally bankrupt. If you had a single ounce of integrity in your…

[Ameonna teleports in.]

Ameonna: Ah... There are my two little lovebirds.

Lo Wang: Ameonna. What the…

Ameonna: Your animus against each other is futile. But I do understand how exciting it must be.

Orochi Zilla: Spare us the psychobabble, please.

Ameonna: Your reliance on violence betrays your inability to process the emotional truth of your situation.

Wang & Zilla: What emotional truth?!

Ameonna: Jinx. You owe me a Coke. (laughs) "Both" of you.

Lo Wang: Looks like someone got into mommy's medicine cabinet.

Orochi Zilla: That's the master alarm. The body's containment cell has been breached!

Ameonna: Oh yes. My followers are quite devoted. They were only too happy to volunteer for Project Hope. As I'm sure you can imagine, the Chi chips you put in their heads were quite simple for me to take control of. In any event, my... your... "our" men are freeing the body now.

Lo Wang: This sounds… bad.

Ameonna: Your struggle with one another is at an end. And you can finally give in to the attraction that has driven it all this time.

Orochi Zilla: Attraction? To this idiot?

Ameonna: Oh assuredly. It's only natural to be drawn, helplessly, to your opposite. That energy is the creative engine behind all life in the universe, from teen romance to black holes.

Lo Wang: Are you getting any of this?

Ameonna: So rejoice! You need no longer need fight the one you most desire. The object of your quarrel is out of your hands and you are free to spend the end of the world in one another's arms.

Orochi Zilla: Guards!

Lo Wang: I, ah, killed all your guards.

Orochi Zilla: All of them?

Lo Wang: I was on a roll.

Ameonna: I'm afraid this is merely a projection, Orochi. I am with the body now. In moments, I will be one with the creature. When I will fulfill my destiny and, finally, take my rest. Goodbye my friends. Wish me luck. Gozu, dear, are you ready to perform the ritual?

Lo Wang: Well this is... awkward.

Orochi Zilla: Will you let go of me?

Lo Wang: Not before you kiss me, you fool.

Orochi Zilla: Bah! We've got to get out to the gates. I can have a transport here in a few minutes.

Lo Wang: That won't be necessary, I have a faster method.

Orochi Zilla: Fine, I'll meet you there. Don't do anything rash before I arrive.

Lo Wang: Who me? Little old me?

Orochi Zilla: Here. We are on the same side now, you should take this. (gives Wang his katana) It is imbued with the latest Chi technology. It could make the difference in defeating the body.

Lo Wang: You old softie. Is this payback for not making me employee of the month?

Orochi Zilla: Get out of here!

The Battle of the Gates

Orochi Zilla: I'm on my way, Lo Wang, hold her off until I get there.

Lo Wang: Yes sir, Captain Ahab, sir.

Orochi Zilla: Can you just resist the temptation to destroy the world for five minutes?

[Wang visits Mezu.]

Mezu: Lo Wang! There you are! Ameonna has occupied the body.

Lo Wang: Oh, was that the glant beast I saw trying to destroy humanity? Small world.

Mezu: When Gozu transferred her soul into it, the strain caused it to mutate yet again.

Kamiko: Oh! Wonderful

Mezu: And she's been drinking all the Black Rain she can reach. She may already be strong enough to destroy the gates.

Lo Wang: OK, I'm just going to come out and say it. I think this bachelorette party has gotten out of hand. Do you think Smith's antidote will even work on her?

Mezu: It's the only option. Subdue her and administer the cure. If it works, I will place Kamiko's soul back into her body. Then I can use Kamiko for the sealing rite.

Kamiko: Use me for... "that's" his plan?

Lo Wang: Hey Mezu, this sealing business... is that something Kamiko will, you know, survive?

Mezu: That's none of your concern.

Kamiko: Oh! Thanks dad! Not my con… grrrr!

Lo Wang: Let me guess. No gift on father's day this year?

Mezu: Go!

[Wang rushes into the battle.]

Kamiko: You have my back here, right?

Lo Wang: Oh yeah. Fuck that fascist prick. I'll stop the body, but I'm not giving it fucking Mezu.

Kamiko: Is it me or are you growing a conscience? Ameonna... that... that bitch! She stole my body!

Lo Wang: Yeah, and you're not going to be able to dry clean that thing.

Kamiko: Stop her! Now! What are you waiting for?

Lo Wang: You. To stop yelling in my fucking head.

Kamiko: Sorry. Got carried away. Is this better?

Lo Wang: Much.

Kamiko: OK let's go get my body back.

[Wang fights Ancient Goddess Ameonna. Warrior by Stan Bush playing in the background. Eventually Wang kills her.]

Kamiko: Quickly! Put the preparation on your sword!

[Wang sticks the sword in Ameonna's body.]

Lo Wang: OK, here goes.

Ameonna: Thank you.

Lo Wang: Thank "me"? For what?

Ameonna: Killing me.

Lo Wang: Who says I'm going to kill…

Ameonna: (vomiting) I… will not.

Kamiko: Kill her. Now. Before my father can doom her. And trap me.

[Wang finishes Ameonna. Xing and Zilla approaches.]

Xing: Is this a party or a funeral? Why the long faces?

Kamiko: Uncle Xing!

Lo Wang: I just wanted to pet the rabbits, George.

Orochi Zilla: You impetuous fool!

Xing: The situation does sound a tad bleak.

Wang & Kamiko: There is another way. This place is a soul well, is it not?

Xing: It is.

Wang & Kamiko: Rather than sealing the gates closed with my sacrifice, let us seal them open, with my living soul.

Orochi Zilla: Utter nonsense.

Xing: Is it? After all, these are gates not walls brother. Perhaps we should align them to their purpose.

Wang & Kamiko: This world will change. But it will go on. I was born of this energy, and I can bend it to my will. Allow me to rectify these wounded worlds to one another. It is what I was born to do.

Orochi Zilla: Incredible.

Xing: Sometimes madness is the only course open to us. I will help you, child.

Lo Wang: OK Kamiko, you all packed?

Kamiko: I try to travel light. Thank you, Lo Wang. You have been a good friend to me. And a worthy partner.

Lo Wang: Give ‘em hell, OK?

Kamiko: You can rely on it.

Xing: Hopefully she will…

[Kamiko destroys the gate. A dragon appears out of it.]

Lo Wang: What the...

Mezu the Dragon: That’s my girl.

[He flies towards Lo Wang.]

THE END