South Park: The Stick of Truth Full Transcript

[The game starts with an epic dark fantasy movie-style cutscene and Cartman’s voiceover.]

Robert T. Pooner
Presents
A Pooner Pictures Production

Cartman: Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them. A noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard. For a thousand years the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Draw Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the human’s most treasured relic - the Stick of Truth. But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a "new" kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid before the draw elves can manipulate his mind and USE him, to take the sacred relic from human hands. For whoever controls the Stick... controls the universe...

The New Kid in Town

[We’re starting our journey through the most famous small town in Colorado as a newcomer to the city. Our parents are moving into a new home.]

Dad: Well, I think that’s everything.

Mom: We did it, hon, we’re really moved in!

Dad: It’s a new beginning for us. Things are finally going to be good!

Mom: Do you really think it will be better for... him?

Dad: They won’t look for him here. We just need to make sure he doesn’t attract any attention. Come on, let’s see how he’s doing.

Mom: Sweetie? Hon, you all dressed?

Dad: Hey, champ. How do you like your new room?! I know it’s a big change for all of us, but... son, do you REMEMBER why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?

Dad: He doesn’t remember.

Mom: He doesn’t remember at all.

Dad: That’s good. That’s good he doesn’t remember.

Mom: Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don’t you go out and make some friends?

Dad: Right, get outside and PLAY, son. Like... like normal kids.

Mom: We’ve got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie. Just... be back before it gets dark.

Dad: Yeah, we love you, too.

[You going to the kitchen.]

Mom: You are THIS close to a time out. Go on outside, sweetie.

[You kick your mom.]

Mom: That isn’t nice, sweetie.

Dad: C’mon, son. Get out there. Make friends. It wasn’t a REQUEST, it was a COMMAND. Now get out there and MAKE SOME FRIENDS!

[You keep hanging around the house.]

Dad: Will you go out and be a kid for Christ’s sake?!

[When you go outside, you see a little boy. He’s fighting with another boy with sword.]

Butters: You shall die by my warhammer, drow elf!

Elf: Nuh uh!

Butters: I banish thee to the forest realm!

Elf: No way, I banished you first! Ha ha! You can’t hold out much longer.

Butters: HELP! SOMEBODY!!! I can’t hold out much longer!!! HEEEELLLLPPP!

[You punch the elf in the face with your fist.]

Elf: Hey, no fan. That’s cheating. I’m going to go tell my mom.

Butters: Thanks, kid. I didn’t realize he had a health potion. My- my name is Butters the Merciful. I’m a paladin. I live right next door to you! We should be friends!

[You’re making your first friend!]

Butters: Now that we’re friends, you should speak with the Wizard King! He’s been talking about your arrival! The wizard lives this way. In the green house, over there. Hey, where are you from?

[You’re not answering.]

Butters: Where’d you live before moving here?

[You decide to keep your mouth shut again. Soon you come to Cartman’s house.]

Butters: All hail the Grand Wizard!

Cartman: So, you are the New Kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King. But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom.

Mrs. Cartman: Oh who’s your new friend, Eric?

Cartman: Shut up mom, not now. Don’t talk to her, she’s not part of the game. Welcome... to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep! Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior. Here you can see our massive stables. Overseen by the level 9 ranger... Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes. And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom. Don’t ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it’s just how he seems to be rolling right now...

Kenny: Mm mrm mrmphm mrm mm mrmmm mrrm!

Butters: As Court Paladin, my job is to deliver the Wizard King’s justice. And his mail.

Clyde: You may have heard of my deeds at the Battle of Stark’s Pond.

Scott Malkinson: My loyalty is as incurable as my diabetes.

Cartman: Be careful, the Rock of Insanity holds mysterious powers! Kay. You’re insane now. If you want to be healed, you must gaze at the Rock. Kay. You’re healed. You have been sought out. New Kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom. I know you are very excited. It’s time for your first quest, but first - please tell us thy name.

[You type your name.]

Cartman: You entered "Douchebag." Is that correct?

[You say "No".]

Cartman: Are you sure you want to keep the name "Douchebag"?

[You say, "No," again.]

Cartman: Very well, Douchebag. You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew.

[You choose Mage...]

Cartman: A mage is like a wizard only not as cool.

[You choose Thief...]

Cartman: A white thief? Never heard of one, but interesting… You look sneaky enough to be a thief.

[You choose Jew...]

Cartman: Jew, huh? So I guess we’ll never really be friends.

[You choose Fighter...]

Cartman: A fighter has courage, honor and the ability to kick fucking ass.

[In the end, you decide to become a thief.]

Cartman: We welcome to our kingdom Douchebag the Thief!

Butters: Hooray!

Cartman: Now, please go and visit the weapons shop. Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight!

Clyde: Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler? Perhaps you would like to hear tips and rumors for two dollars? Ahh, a lovely purchase.

[You purchase your first weapon.]

Clyde: Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler? Perhaps you would like to hear tips and rumors for two dollars? (you pay) Don’t waste your money on tips and rumors.

Cartman: Ah! You have procured a weapon. Nice. It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight beat up Clyde.

Clyde: What?!

Cartman: Kick Clyde’s ass, New Kid.

Clyde: What’d I do?!

Cartman: I’m the KING. Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused. Go on, New Kid, kick his ass.

Clyde: I’m gonna kick your ass!

Cartman: Clyde, you have to wait your turn!

Clyde: That’s lame.

Cartman: No, Clyde, it’s like olden times. You have to wait your turn. Like in the Middle Ages, Clyde! I know it’s lame, Clyde, but that’s how we’re fucking doing it! All right, Douchebag, bash Clyde’s face in! Don’t be shy.

Clyde: Suck it!

[Clyde’s getting into a defensive position. You attack three times and deal several damage points.]

Cartman: Oh hell yeah! Clyde’s your bitch! All right, Clyde’s wearing armor. In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Clyde as hard as you can. Oh shit, dude, I think I see blood! Fucking nice, brah! That’s exactly what you do to guys with armor like that. Okay, listen up. The key to surviving in battle is not get hit in the balls. Clyde, it’s your turn to attack. Douchebag, protect your balls!

[Now it’s your turn to defend yourself.]

Clyde: Prepare yourself!

Cartman: YES!! That’s what I’m talking about. Dude, you’re already WAY better than Clyde. Blocking reduces some - though not all - damage from an attack. All right. It is time to use your heroic powers. Using your abilities takes power points, or PP for short.

Clyde: [chuckles] PP...

Cartman: IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING BETTER NAME FOR THEM THEN FUCKING SAY IT, CLYDE! FUCKING ASSHOLE! I’M THE KING. AND I SAY IT’S PP. Douchebag, use your thief ability to make Clyde pay for insulting the king!

[You attack Clyde from behind and bleed him.]

Clyde: Dick!

Cartman: Way to wipe that smile off his stupid face, Douchebag. Now... do it one more time. Finish him!

Clyde: What? I was going easy. Take this!

[You beat Clyde and make him cry.]

Cartman: Ha ha haaa! Dude that was awesome! You were all like BRAMMGMG! And Clyde was all like ’AHGHG NOO!!’ Ha ha ahaaa!! Okay, okay. You’ve proved yourself worthy, Douchebag. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic. Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die... The Stick of Truth. Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe. Don’t gaze at it too long! For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at. Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let’s discuss your dues. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductible-

Butters: ALARM!!! ALARM!! ALARM!!!

Cartman: Someone has sounded the alarm!

Butters: Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!

Cartman: What is it?

Butters: The elves are attacking!

Cartman: Oh my God! Defense positions! Man the gate! Don’t let them through!

Chris Donnely: Give us the Stick, humans!

Cartman: Fuck you, drow elf! Come and get it! CLYDE! GUARD THE STICK OF TRUTH WHILE WE DEFEND THE FORTRESS!

Clyde: Aye, aye!

Cartman: "Aye, aye"? We’re not playing PIRATES, Clyde!! Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. HOLD OFF THE ASSHOLE ELVES AT ALL COSTS!

Elf: Die, asshole!

Butters: Hey!

Cartman: Do it, Douchebag! Kick these elves’ asses!

Elf: Eat shit!

Cartman: You’re wounded, Douchebag! Potions will heal you! Here!

[You use the healing potion that turns out to be a bag of chips.]

Cartman: The rules say you can have one potion every turn. I asked for five but this was the compromise. This guy’s fast, Douchebag. Try to block all his attacks. Okay, if you block all the attacks you get a counterattack. Look at your enemy on the ground, weak and helpless. KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM! Awesome! You kicked his helpless ass. Now finish off these elves in the name of the Wizard King.

[You defeat all the elf attackers.]

Cartman: Great job, Douchebag!

Butters: Ahh!

Cartman: Butters! BUTTERS! You’re LOSING! STOP LOSING!

Butters: But I don’t wanna make ‘em feel bad!

Cartman: You got this, Douchebag!

Elf: Eat shit!

Cartman: What are you waiting for, Douchebag? That guy’s just standing there. Go kick his ass!

[You attack the elf with your dagger.]

Cartman: Hahaha! Aw, man, he was totally waiting for you, dude. You can’t just hit him like that.

[You try to attack, but the elf repulses it.]

Cartman: You need to try a different tactic to damage him. Look at that archer, hiding behind his friend like a wuss. Switch to your arrows, Douchebag. Snipe that little bitch.

[You take out the bow and arrows.]

Cartman: Sweet, now you can hit the guy in back. Go for the pink mist! Yeah, bitch! That’s what you get for fucking with the Wizard King.

Elf: This sucks.

Cartman: Careful, Douchebag! That guy’s ready for your arrows now. You gotta try something else.

[You attack the elf several times with your dagger.]

Elf: Oh, it’s on!

[After that, you kill the elf with a stab in the back.]

Cartman: Great job, Douchebag!

Butters: Why?

Cartman: Kick their asses, New Kid! I’ve got your back!

Butters: Jesus Christ!

Cartman: Let’s do this, Douchebag. Okay, that guy has a shield. Shields are super weak. Just hit them with your simplest hit over and over to wear them down quickly. Shields completely block a number of hits. Use normal attacks - or abilities that deal a lot of hits - against them.

[You smash the shield with a few dagger blows.]

Elf: Oh, shut down.

Cartman: Well yeah, that’s how you do it. The other elf let his guard down! Now’s your chance. Power Attack his armor! Armor reduces damage from each hit. Use power attacks - or abilities that deal a single large hit - against armor.

[You’re hitting the elf hard.]

Cartman: That’s it! Now, finish him! Now!

[And now all the elves have been defeated.]

Chris Donnely: DROW ELVES! FALL BACK! FALL BACK I SAY!

Cartman: YES! Awesome, dude! TAKE THAT, YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time! HA HA HA HAAAA HA! WE STILL CONTROL THE UNIVERSE! HA HA HA HA HAHA!

Clyde: It’s gone.

Cartman: What?

Clyde: The Stick of Truth. The elves got it.

Cartman: THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMNED JOB CLYDE!! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!

Cartman: Clyde... you are hereby BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!

Clyde: What?! NO! You can’t do that!

Cartman: Yeah I can! You’re banished and lost in time and space!

Butters: Yeah! Go home, Clyde!

Cartman: You fought bravely on the battlefield, Douchebag.

Scott Malkinson: Yeah, this New Kid may be a douchebag, but he sure can fight!

Cartman: Shut up, Scott, nobody cares what you think. Anyways, we have a bigger problem now! The Stick of Truth has been stolen, and we must assemble our ENTIRE army in order to get it back.

Butters: But our three best warriors still haven’t reported for duty, my king!

Cartman: Our newest member can take care of that! Douchebag. I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my greatest warriors. Token, Tweek and Craig. I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now... But beware... the lands outside are full of marauding drow elves, monsters and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped. Now go! And send my warriors here! Butters, go with him.

Butters: What, y-you want me to fight with you?! OKAY! This paladin is ready to kick some ass!

Call the Banners

[You and Butters go out in the kitchen.]

Mrs. Cartman: You kids be careful, now.

[You go up to Eric’s room on the second floor.]

Butters: Uh, this is the King’s room! I don’t think we’re supposed to be in here. The King has a lot of cool stuff.

[You go to Eric’s Mom’s bedroom...]

Butters: This is where the magic happens... Last week Cartman’s Mom was here with a few men having a whole lot of magic. She was doing hand magic and butt magic...

[You go to the bathroom...]

Butters: This is where Cartman does magic. Smells like the wizard is brewing some potion in here. Some wizard’s stew. Looks like he forgot to flush that stew... If it splashes, it means you get a free wish.

[After taking some magic shit out of the bathroom and Mrs. Cartman’s pants, you go outside.]

Butters: We aren’t allowed to go in the street. It’s such an open world, our parents don’t want us getting hurt!

Dougie: The Wizard-King says I’m too ginger to be one of the humans, but Paladin Butters lets me be his squire on the sly.

Butters: Paladins seek justice for all races!

[You go into Butters’ house.]

Butters: Behold! The residence of Butters the Merciful!

Mrs. Stotch: Butters really is a very sweet boy. I hope you’ll try to treat him as you would a normal child.

Mr. Stotch: Ah! This must be the new kid. You Facebook message me right away if Butters does something he should be grounded for.

Butters: Welcome to MY room. Those are my minions. They help me punish society.

[You’re going outside and enter your own house.]

Dad: You can’t expect me to pat you on the back just because you’ve made a few friends. As soon as you have a LOT of friends, then I’ll be proud.

Mom: Oh, you’ve made friends! I’ll be your friend, too, sweetie. It’ll make you look popular.

[To move around the city quickly, you decide to use a horse-drawn carriage, which is played by Timmy - a small cart is attached to his wheelchair.]

Timmy: Timmy!

[You are suddenly attacked by several elves.]

Elf: These lands hold many dangers, New Kid!

Elf: Yeah, you moved to the wrong realm!

Elf: Nice hair, douchebag.

Elf: Feel my wrath!

Butters: You’re hurt! This looks like a job for Paladin Butters! Yeah, that’s it, little buddy. Hoo, I’m beat. I better wait a turn before I do any more healing. Take that! Hey look, you’re bleeding! It looks bad. Here, take some of this magic cure potion! Make sure you always carry a few potions. Just don’t get grounded for raiding, the apothecary’s pantry like I did.

Elf: Oh, shut down.

Elf: Ah! Motherfucker.

Butters: Keep tryin’! I’m rubber, you’re glue. By the hammer of Butters! I just... was seeing if it works! Jeez! We usually win.

Kelly R: Sorry, but we can’t be friends until you have more friends.

Kelly Gardner: I’m actually faster at Facebook messaging than I am at speaking. Here, this’ll just go a lot faster if I friend you.

Butters: Sure is a lot of walkin’.

Pete Melman: Are you new? Hey, that means you don’t know anything about me, huh?

[You fart at some boy.]

Boy: Dude, did you shit your pants?

Craig’s Dad: Ya lookin’ for Craig? Well, he can’t play. He’s in detention. Something about flippin’ off the principal.

Butters: We better get to the other guys first!

Elf: Quit it!

Butters: Fellas! We can work this out!

Elf: Ow, Jeez!

Butters: En garde!

Elf: Ah! Motherfucker.

Elf: You’ll pay for that!

Butters: You’re straight trippin’, son.

Elf: Oh, it’s on!

Butters: Feel my righteous fury!

Butters: I’m a lot more experienced now!

Vulcan Around

[You enters Kevin Stoley’s house. He plays Star Trek and wears a Vulcan costume.]

Kevin: Greetings, human. While I would prefer to explore strange worlds with you, it is illogical to abandon the bridge until the captain returns. The captain is my mom. I can’t go outside when she’s not home. But the Federation has an urgent mission for you. A tricorder was left behind on the frozen planet of Hoth. Only it’s not a tricorder, it’s my dad’s iPad 2. I need you to beam down to Omicron Sector and locate that device before it falls into Klingon hands. I think it fell out of my backpack near the church.

[You go to church.]

Butters: Stinky mo-minky! One time I got the worst snuggie behind that building over there. It sucked.

Elf: I’m gonna beat the shit out of you.

Elf: You want some of this?!

Butters: No, no, no, no, no! That wasn’t so bad.

Elf: Stop dicking around!

Butters: By the hammer of Butters! That was the most perfect throw I’ve ever seen! Whew! I’m rubber, you’re glue. I got your back, yo. Forgive me... Douchebag...

Elf: Fuck off.

Elf: Nope.

Elf: You call that a fight?

Man: What’s wrong with your nose?

Butters: You know you can die from a titty twister?

Find Jesus

Priest Maxi: Oh what sad times these are when the nation’s youth run around in dungeon clothes playing the games of Satan. Young man, if you really want power there is only one thing you must do. Find Jesus. Find him, and when you do, return to me...

Butters: This is where Jimmy gave me a noogie one time.

Girl: You’re weird.

Butters: Why can’t you just leave us alone? En garde!

Elf: I’m telling.

Butters: No, no, no, no, no! Eye for an eye!

Elf: That didn’t count!

Butters: I shall smite thee! I really feel sad for ‘em.

[You find Kevin's iPad and go into the church. Jesus hiding behind the pews and laughing.]

Jesus: Tee hee hee hee! You found me! Tee hee hee! Next time finding me won’t be so easy!

You Found Jesus!

[After that you find Jesus again at the church.]

Jesus: Tee hee hee hee! Well done, my son! I hope you didn’t peek! Remember, I will always be at the side of those who have found me. You can call me once per day with this. But I can’t help against bosses. They’re scary. Come find me again for another.

Elf: Oh, it’s on!

Butters: Well, what if we just make friends instead?

Elf: Stop it!

Elf: Ah! Motherfucker.

Butters: No, no, no, no, no! I hope we didn’t hurt you too bad.

Police Officer: We’ve been getting reports of a bunny rabbit running around people’s yards. I’m gonna check it out.

Priest Maxi: Do not despair, for many find Jesus only to lose Him later. But the soul that does not abandon its search will surely be rewarded with His company. Remember that.

[Saying goodbye to the priest. Quest completed. You see three girls humiliating another.]

Annie: Give it back! Give it back!

Girl: Why don’t you make us?

Annie: That’s my Justin Bieber toy!

Girl: Not anymore, it’s not! Aw, did baby lose her toy? Who is this?

Girl: Beat it, kid, if you know what’s good for you.

[You and Butters defeat the girls.]

Butters: Fellas! We can work this out! Hey, bad guy! Oh boy! Oh boy!

Girl: You like beating up on girls?!

Annie: Oh, I hope they didn’t break it. Oh whew. Hey thanks... I owe you one, kid.

The Homeless Problem

[You enter City Hall and fart at Mayor’s office.]

Mayor McDaniels: That’s no way to get popular. Hey, kid, maybe you can help us with something. All these homeless people in South Park are making us look like a cold and heartless town. If you could go and beat the crap out of all the bums and vagrants, they’ll leave town and it’ll restore South Park’s reputation as a compassionate community. You gotta get every single one of those bastards, okay? Chop chop!

[Agreeing to beat all the homeless people in the city, you leave the city hall.]

Man: You will never get laid looking like that, kid.

Elf: Where’s your leash, human dog?

Elf: Oh, it’s on!

Butters: I don’t think I like you very much.

[You win the fight.]

Butters: We usually win.

Man: If you refer a friend, Jimbo will waive the waiting period for handguns.

Elf: Ow, Jeez! Ah! Motherfucker.

Butters: What the heck? I’m gonna get grounded anyway, might as well! Hey! Eye for an eye! Nobody stops a paladin! Take that!

[You win the fight.]

Butters: Maybe now you’ll turn your life around.

Man: Goddamn kids.

Butters: Stan, one time, gave me the grossest wet willie right here.

Elf: Ow, Jeez!

Butters: To battle! Take that! I hope we didn’t hurt you too bad.

Rats in the Cellar

[You enter "Skeeter’s bar and cocktails."]

Skeeter: Well, well, you supposed to be some kind of knight of the Round Table? Welcome to Ye Olde Skeeters Cavern. Tell you what, good sir knight, I got rats in the basement. Big ’uns! That’s why I got stuck with her majesty’s goddamn health code violation.

[You go down into the dark basement crammed with huge rats.]

Butters: Well... here we go again. Nobody stops a paladin! Eye for an eye! Hey, bad guy! That wasn’t so bad. To battle! We usually win. I’m Butters the Merciful, of the-- well of t-the Knights of Kindheartedness. Whew! That serves ‘em right. Aw, SHIT. Take that! Sorry about this. Hey, I blocked it! Boy this is neat-o, huh?

[After defeating all the rats, you go upstairs for a reward.]

Skeeter: Damn if you ain’t a noble knight after all, Alright, kid, here ya go.

[Quest completed.]

Mongolian Beef

[You enter the famous "City Wok".]

Mr. Kim: Goddamn Mongolians… Hello, welcome to City Wok! Take your order, please! Only thing we serving today is Mongolian beef. Mongolian beef so good, oh I just LOVE it. Oh, hello Mongolian!

[12th century cartoon Mongols are sitting at the tables.]

Mr. Kim: (whispers) Shh... Mongolians are watching. They conquer me last week. Act natural. (outloud) Oh yeah, Mongolian beef, mm, so tasty, right? Wow... (whispers) It not tasty at all! It gross! Don’t eat it! You eat Mongolian beef, you shit your pants for five days! (outloud) Hello, Mongolian! (whispers) Please, you gotta help me out. The Mongolians all live like RATS in the Tower of Peace next door! I’ll keep the adults occupied here. You go top of tower and beat up all their kids! Beat up all the Mongolian kids! Then Mongolian think of this neighborhood not a safe place. They move away! Go! Go! Beat up the little Mongolian kids! (outloud) Oh hello Mongolian! (whispers) Mongolian beef smell like Lionel Richie’s asshole.

[You leave the restaurant.]

Butters: The Hammer of Justice shall strike the Nail of Evil into the Board of Being Sorry!

Elf: Hey!

Butters: Eat mercy!

Elf: Oh, it’s on!

Butters: Take that!

[You win the fight.]

Butters: I know violence doesn’t solve anything, but I kinda like it.

Mr. McCormick: Who?! Wha-Hey, I guess I hit it a little hard at the bar this morning... Thanks for waking me up, kid. You on Facebook?

[You go outside.]

Elf: What’s the matter? Lost your Stick?

Butters: Ah, hamburgers!

Elf: Ah! Motherfucker. Take that!

Butters: Whew! Hey, I blocked it! I’m rubber, you’re glue. Another victory for the good guys! We must get back to the quest at hand, my lord!

[You enter the famous Jimbo’s store where weapons are sold.]

Butters: Well hello there, Jimbo and Ned!

Jimbo: Howdy there! Haven’t seen you before. You must be the new kid that moved to town and you’re into huntin’, huh?! Well, my boy you’ve come to the right place! South Park is chock FULL o’ things to shoot that would delight ANY Taxidermist, Survivalist or Weekend Animal Death enthusiast! Ain’t much I can sell to a minor - thanks to the stupid Democrats - bu-but if you can prove yourself a REAL hunter I might be able to get you some better stuff. You should buy a copy of the Hunter’s Guide to South Park Wildlife! This book thingy here! You kill anything in that guide, you come back and see ol’ Jimbo and Ned! The best part of huntin’ is bragging about it to other hunters!

[Having bought the guide and said goodbye to Jimbo, you go to the Tower of Piece to help Mr. Kim beat the shit out if Mongolian kids.]

Butters: Oh boy, bad guys! That wasn’t so bad. That was close! Eye for an eye! That serves ‘em right. I’m Butters the Merciful, of the-- well of t-the Knights of Kindheartedness. I’m rubber, you’re glue.

[When you and Butters climb to the very top, you bump into a door.]

Butters: Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy, a door puzzle! Y--You’re sure about this? Whew! You think we were too hard on ‘em?

[The final battle awaits you on the roof of the building… this is a horde of mounted Mongols.]

Butters: It’s a good day to die! Uh, for you, that is. By the hammer of Butters! I’m sorry. Ah! Ha ah ha ahhh ho hoo! Meanie! I got your back, yo. To battle! Well, that’s what you get for being mean to people! Well, not being grounded was nice while it lasted.

[The horde is defeated. According to all the laws of the genre, the tower begins to fall apart.]

Butters: Surrender, or-or-- or bad stuff will happen. Oh boy! Oh boy!

[You leave the building and run into a gang of elves.]

Elf: You’ll pay for that!

Butters: Aw, SHIT.

Elf: That didn’t count!

Butters: Take that!

[You win.]

Butters: You gave it your best shot, and that’s all Jesus asks of you.

[Soon you manage to reach Mr. Kim’s restaurant.]

Mr. Kim: There you go, kid. All the city chicken you can carry. You do good work. I’ll help you fuck up Mongolians any time you want. Not bosses though, they too tough. You call me with this. I give you one per day.

[Quest completed.]

Gate Crasher

Security Guard: This is a gated community, sir. We do not allow in the riffraft. Move along, sir.

[He tries to use his pepper spray in your face, but now you are wearing a gas mask.]

Security Guard: What the fuck?! Oh NO!!!

[A fight with the guard begins.]

Butters: I’ve killed way bigger guys than you. Well, the New Kid has. I shall smite thee! You’re straight trippin’, son.

[You win the fight.]

Security Guard: Move... along...

Butters: I hope we didn’t hurt you too bad. (you fart in the face of the guard) Stinky mo-minky! Maybe you should see a doctor.

[After all the adventures, you finally manage to enter Token’s house.]

Token: Yeah? Can I help you? What’s this... oh, the elves took the Stick again? Hang on a second. (he closes the door and changes clothes) Thank you for thy message, traveler! I shall make haste to Kupa Keep! Mom! Can you drive me to Eric’s house?

[Leaving the grounds of Token’s mansion you try to talk to the recently defeated guard...]

Security Guard: Move along, sir. I can’t look at you without feelings of deep personal shame.

[You walk through the town to the Kupa Keep.]

Woman: Shouldn’t you be in school?

Butters: This here is the marketplace. This is where heroes can come for adventuring gear, nosejobs, and abortions.

Butters: Hey, Officer Buttbaby!

Officer Barbrady: That’s Buttbrady! Wait...

Butters: Gee Whiz whistle britches!

Officer Barbrady: I’ll be watching you, New Kid. On Facebook! I hope you post a lot of cat pictures.

Butters: Cartman gave me a swirlie in that public bathroom over there one time...

Hide 'n' Seek

[On the basketball court, several preschoolers come up to you.]

Filmore: Come play hide and seek wit us. You’re it!

[After promising to find them, you continue your journey.]

Butters: Playing pirate is better than being a pirate. Who wants to live in stinky old Somalia anyway?

[You find the first preschooler.]

Sally: Billy tried to steal my hidey spot, but I made him go away.

Mr. Slave's Package

[You enter Mr./Ms. Garrison’s house.]

Mr. Slave: Hey kid, can you help me? There was a mixup at the post office and they accidentally gave me a package for Ms. Cartman. Any chance you can go to the post office and pick up mine while I drop this one by her house?

Butters: Oh man I remember getting beat up right over here.

[Naturally, you decide to help this nice man. When you leave Mr./Ms. Garrison’s house, you try to enter a random house and see something strange...]

Man: [Fucks a horse] Huh? [Screams]

[Using Chaos Lair key you enter Butter’s rented storage box.]

Professor Chaos: (voice from darkness) HAHAHAHA!!! You have tripped the mighty CHAOS ALARM and NOW the Earth shall be destroyed in 10 SECONDS! 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... BLAMO!!! And now ALL of these lights and electrical equipment you see are ON and will NEVER BE TURNED OFF! Draining the Earth’s entire power supply and plunging humanity into a deep cold darkness. Without light or heat or computers or power, humans will be left to fend for themselves against the beasts and the elements HUMANITY BE DAMNED!!! HAHAHAHA!

[You destroy some handmade equipment.]

Butters: Hey! No reason to break his nice evil genius things.

General Disarray: Dougie spoke of you and says you’d make a worthy ally.

ManBearPig

[As you leave the U-Store-It, a man in a shirt and glasses with a mustache glued to them calls you from the bushes.]

Al Gore: Psssst. Pssst, hey. Over here. Don’t worry, I’m not here to hurt you. It’s me! AL GORE! You know, Al Gore! I’m super important. All right, look I’ve detected some VERY strange activity in this area. I believe we are dealing with... MANBEARPIG! Yes, THE ManBearPig. I know you’re scared but I need help. Take these and place them in the locations specified on the ManBear Map. Pig. And now I’m going to make you my friend on Facebook. This is VERY prestigious. You have my email now but don’t give it out to ANYBODY. I’m super cereal. Hurry! We must know if ManBearPig is here or not!

[You decide to walk around for a while and beat up some homeless people… for the Mayor.]

Hobo: What’d you call me?

Butters: That wasn’t so bad. (heals you) I got your back, yo. Whew!

Hobo: Hey!

Hobo: What’d I do?

Butters: That serves ‘em right.

Hot Coffee

[After that you go to Tweek Bros Coffee.]

Mr. Tweak: Welcome to Tweek Coffee. Coffee made with ingredients supplied by local organic suppliers. It’s local coffee. Brewed locally.

Mr. Tweak: TWEEK?! TWEEEEEEK?!

Tweek: AHGH!!!!

Mr. Tweak: Have you picked up the fresh local ingredients?!

Tweek: AAHGHGH NOT YET DAD!!! I’M STILL TRYING TO DO ALL MY CHORES!

Mr. Tweak: Well hurry up, son, the family business is relying on you!

Tweek: AHGHGHGH!!!

[You go into the back room where all kinds of chemical nasties are brewed. Tweek sweeps the floor. You hold out a letter to him.]

Tweek: What’s this?! AHGHGHGH!! NOW?!?! The guys need me now?! On there’s no way man! I have WAY too much to do! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS?! Wait - YOU! Could you go get the four o’clock delivery for me?! If you do I can finish here and then - and then I’ll still have time to play! PLEASE! Would you?! It’s at Kenny’s house - like always! Y-you give them THIS. They’ll give you the delivery! AHGHGHGH! How am I supposed to do all this?! There’s no way, man! Starbucks has like eight employees!! Here it’s just hell! AHGHGHGH!!!

[You will return to the streets of South Park.]

Elf: Oh, it’s on!

Butters: Well, what are we waitin’ for!

Elf: I’m telling.

Butters: Oh boy, we won!

[You destroy some kid’s snowman.]

Francis: You have slain the mighty frost giant. I stand in awe of you, hero.

Hobo: Wanna play rough, huh? That’s not nice.

Butters: Ah shucks, when are we gonna catch a break?

Hobo: What’d I do?

Butters: By the hammer of Butters!

Hobo: Wanna play rough, huh?

Butters: I just... was seeing if it works!

Hobo: Aw, come on.

Hobo: Hey!

Butters: I hope they’re just sleeping. Fellas! We can work this out! Take that! [Cries] Eat mercy! I think I just found my new bottom bitch!

[You knock on Kenny’s door. His mother opens.]

Mrs. McCormick: What? (you show her the letter) Ah, this isn’t for ME. This is for the nice people who are renting the guest house out in the back. I told you to go see the nice people renting the room behind the garage.

[You go to the meth lab under McCormick’s garage.]

Meth Head: Hey... that’s not the usual kid that picks up the package.

Meth Head: Huh? Oh shit. IT’S A COP!

[The fight with meth heads begins.]

Butters: We will kill ‘em with compassion!

Meth Head: Oof! Police brutality!

Butters: Keep tryin’! I’m rubber, you’re glue.

Meth Head: I want a lawyer.

Meth Head: This cop’s crazy!

Butters: That wasn’t so bad. Eye for an eye! Take that! Maybe now you’ll turn your life around. Uh, these witch doctors must be cooking up a secret potion. I wonder if it’s a healing potion...

[You enter McCormick’s house.]

Karen: Oh, hey, you’re the new kid! My sister the princess texted me about you. She thinks you’re cute.

Mrs. McCormick: Sorry to hear about the renters. Usually they’re real fun and energetic.

[You return on the streets.]

Gerald: Welcome to the neighborhood!

Butters: Generally wanna stay outta there if you are a fetus... Yeah.

Elf: Ow, Jeez!

Butters: I don’t think I like you very much,

Elf: Stop it!

Butters: Well gee whiz, I hope I level up!

Woman: Excuse me.

[You find another kid.]

Filmore: No way! How did you find me?

[You go to the post office and pick up the package for Mr. Slave (a dildo naturally).]

Man: Have you tried Tweek Brothers’ Coffee? It’s terrible but for some reason I can’t stop drinking it.

Quaid: Filmore told me to pick that spot. Pretty good, huh?

Flora: I couldn’t decide where to hide!

Elf: Die, asshole!

Elf: You’ll pay for that!

Butters: I’ve killed way bigger guys than you. Well, the New Kid has. Take that! That was pretty good!

[You walk into Jimbo’s Guns.]

Jimbo: What can I do for you, New Kid? Nice work! I remember when bagged my first dog. This one’s real personal for me and Ned. We lost half our unit to a farm cow when we were stationed in Hanoi. Far as we’re concerned, you’re a damn hero, kid. We’re both proud to know you.

Ned Gerblanski: I have no words.

Jimbo: I can’t wait to see what you kill next!

[You go out into the city and continue your adventure.]

Boy: There's a rumor the girls have a secret base, but I've never seen it

Elf: You'll pay for that!

Butters: We will kill 'em with compassion!

Elf: Ow, Jeez!

Butters: That was pretty good!

[You manage to find another kindergartner nearby the lake.]

Jenny: This place is dark and scary! What if you never found me?

Butters: I got beat up one time over there by that tree.

Billy: Aww you founded me.

[You bring the dildo to Mr. Slave.]

Mr. Slave: Thanks, New Kid! My night is looking a whole lot better now. Here, if you ever need my help, use this! I can't help you with any really tough fights, though. I don't want to get a fissure. Come back and find me if you want to call me again. But give it a day. I go to a lot of parties.

[Quest completed. You go to the basketball court.]

Filmore: You found all of us! You win!

[Quest completed!]

Girl: I hope you're not playing that dumb game with everyone.

Ticket Guy: This movie is really sweet. Too bad you kids can't see it.

Al Gore: Good job, Junior Al Gorean! With all the sensors placed I can get a reading on my - [gasps] I knew it! These are definitely hot ManBearPig readings! Come with me. I must put this data in the DataManBearPigBase!

[You got Al Gore's Storage Key and returns to Tweek.]

Mr. Tweak: Hello there. If you're looking for Tweek, he's in the back room, unattended... Unattended like a pristine meadow known only to the wild horses that graze there. Would you like to try some coffee? It's fresh, like a sun-dappled cornfield ready for harvest.

Tweek: MORE COFFEE!! NEED MORE COFFEE!!! AHGHGHGH!!! I can't play until all the work is done! If you get the delivery for me I can finish here! MORE COFFEE!! NEED MORE COFFEE!!! AHGHGHGH!!!

[You give Tweek his drug package.]

Tweek: You did it! YOU GOT THE PICKUP! OH THANKS, MAN! Dad! I finished my work can I go play?

Mr. Tweak: Where's today's delivery?

Tweek: Right here!

Mr. Tweak: Hm, yup, that's good shit. Alright, Tweek, you can play for a little bit. But be home before dark or you'll be grounded. Grounded like the fresh grinds of our all organic Tweek blend, made with ingredients from local tweekers.

Tweek: Thanks, kid. I gotta go get changed then I'll meet you at the kingdom!

[Quest completed. You return to the city.]

Ticket Guy: Hey, you kids wanna see a movie? Oh, that's right - you can't cause it's rated R and it's too mature for you.

[You visit Al Gore's Storage.]

Al Gore: Uh huh... Hmmmm... This is VERY interesting! The sensors have picked ManBearPig underneath the ground of South Park! If you know ANYWHERE you can get underground, go there at once and run this Defilibrator!

[You return to the city.]

Elf: Hey!

Butters: Oh boy, bad guys!

Elf: Quit it!

Butters: Well gee whiz, I hope I level up!

Ticket Guy: Nya nya nya nya. You have to prove your maturity to see this movie and you can't because you are not of sufficient age.

[You return Kevin's dad's iPad to Kevin.]

Kevin: Well done. The galaxy is in your debt. Let it be known that I have been... and will always be... your friend. On Facebook. Live long and prosper.

[Quest completed. after gathering all the members of the king's army you can, you return to Grand Wizard Cartman in the Kupa Keep fortress.]

Butters: ALL SOLDIERS REPORTING FOR DUTY, GRAND WIZARD!

Cartman: Nice work, Douchebag. Now all my men are here and ready to fight for the wait a minute, where is Feldspar? Where's my level twelve thief?

Butters: Hey yeah, where's Craig?

Token: He's in detention.

Cartman: What?!

Tweek: He flipped off the Principal, so he's in detention again.

Cartman: Oh my God… ...If they've locked away our thief in detention we have no hope of getting back the Stick of Truth. We have to break him out!

Tweek: Agh! No way man, last time we broke Craig out of detention we ALL got in trouble!

Cartman: Getting into trouble is a risk that Douchebag is willing to take! You have to break out our thief, Douchebag. But don't worry, I will not let you go unprepared. I am going to teach you how to use magic. Meet me at the training barracks. It's time for you to learn 'Dragonshout."

[You follow Cartman.]

Cartman: You fight well, Douchebag, but to truly succeed in combat you must learn to harness the power of your farts. Farting on an opponent at precisely the right time is key to battle. I shall show you how it's done, but FIRST, you must take the Gentlemen's Oath. You must promise to NEVER, EVER fart on anyone's balls. Okay? Parting on an opponent is necessary, but farting on someone's balls is NOT COOL. Do you understand? All right, then let's begin your training. To conjure Dragonshout you must first clear your mind and take in a deep breathe through your butthole. Like so. HRRNNGGHH! Then... let it rumble inside you… and… DRAGONSHOUT!!!

[The training dummy sways from Cartman's mighty fart.]

Cartman: I'll show you one more time. Suck it in… let it rumble… DRAGONSHOUT!!! Now you. Ready? Dragonshout! Find the frequency! Hold! Hold!

[You fart so hard that you almost shit your pants.]

Cartman: My god that was... Incredible. A man could live a hundred years and never again witness a spell so... boisterous. Could it be that the prophecies are true? Could it be that the Dragonborn has come at last in our hour of need? Now let us try your skill on a REAL opponent. Hey, hey, Princess Kenny, could you come here a sec? (chuckles) Shhh! Don't tell him. Okay. Just real quick, Princess Kenny. Sir Douchebag wants to show you something. All right, you two - SPAR! Sir Douchebag, show Princess Kenny the magical powers I have taught you.

[You fart on Princess Kenny.]

Cartman: HA! HA HA HAAAAAA!!!!! THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!! HA HAAHAHAHA!!!!! DUDE THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!! O-okay, good job, Sir Douchebag, that was sweet. Thanks, Princess Kenny
That's all for now.

Kenny: Mmph rmph rm mrmrph!

Cartman: HA hahaahaal! Okay, but dude, seriously remember, don't EVER do that on someone's balls. Okay, seriously. You have mastered Dragonshout, from now on it will be easier for you.

Detention Sentence

Cartman: Kenny will assist you on your quest, Douchebag. Now go get Craig while I rest and relax upon my throne.

[You walk up to the school and look out the window.]

Mr. Mackey: Craig... Craig this is DETENTION! Mkay, stop looking at your watch because you are here for THREE HOURS, BUDDY! Mkay!

Craig: Whatever.

Mr. Mackey: Don't think your friends are gonna come bust you out this time, Craig!

Craig: My name is Feldspar and I'm a level six thief and the humans will soon rescue me from this tower.

Mr. Mackey: No, your name is fuckin' CRAIG TUCKER and you're in DETENTION! Start doing your homework! Mkay, I've got all the doors SEALED and I've got hallway monitors working overtime - nobody is gonna save your ass today, Craig! Mkay?!

[You enter the school and encounter a hall monitor.]

Ginger Boy: Excuse me but school is OUT and no students allowed on the premises until tomorrow at 7:30 AM.

[You fight him.]

Butters: Well... here we go again. You should be nice! I hope we didn't hurt you too bad.

Ginger Boy: (via radio) Officer down! Officer down! Send backup!!! I repeat, officer down! All hallway monitors to the right hallway!

Mr. Mackey: Oh, god dammit.

Craig: Heeeeere they come.

Mr. Mackey: They aren't gonna get you, Craig! You're NOT getting out of detention!

Craig: I'll be out of here in ten minutes.

Butters: Careful Douchebag. This dungeon holds many secrets. For centuries, these halls went-unmonitored, but then the evil Overlord Mackey rose an army-of-gingers to protect his precious after school detention. Now these minions lurk the halls terrorizing and suspending the innocent.

Hall Monitor: Intruder alert! Initiate security protocol!

Butters: Shit! More of them! See if there is a way to take them all out at once. Gee whiz whistle britches!

Mr. Mackey: You're not gonna get through this door. Mkay.

Butters: There's another one of those soulless bastards. Take him out... He said the gold key's in his office.

Hall Monitor: Intruder alert!

Butters: Ow! Yeah! You shot his freckly face! Ah shucks, when are we gonna catch a break? I know violence doesn't solve anything, but I kinda like it.

[Having defeated several hall monitors you go to the Facility room and hear voices behind the door.]

Butters: Legend says there is a sixth grader hall monitor who has a ZILLION freckles and a clipboard made of human bone. They say he has a freckle for each kid he's suspended.

Hall Monitor: Search him!

Boy: No! NO! Get away from me, you freaks!

[Bit the door is locked.]

Hall Monitor: The protector of the brass key will never surrender!

[You need to get through the fence. You ask Princess Kenny to show her boobs…]

Kenny: Mmmmrm mph mmmmph mmmm!

Hall Monitor: Ooooh! Wow... boobies… Must have… must touch. Booooooobies. Ooooof!

[He opens the door and Kenny hits him in the head.]

Butters: Why do dungeons even have these kind of stupid rooms where there's nothing to do? Hey gingers! Your hearts are as black as your noses are brown!

Hall Monitor: You can take the brass key from my cold, dead hands.

Hall Monitor: I'm taking fire!

Butters: Why can't you just leave us alone?

Hall Monitor: We're overrun!

Hall Monitor: Standing down!

Butters: Take that!

Butters: Oh boy! Oh boy!

Hal Monitor: MORE OFFICERS DOWN! WE'RE TAKING HEAVY CASUALTIES OUT HERE!

Mr. Mackey: Dammit, you hallway monitors need to stop playing around!

Hall Monitor: He's got the brass key! He's some kind of dragonborn!

Mr. Mackey: Now look, this is detention time, not time to play Dungeons and Dragons! And besides, he's never gonna get inside here because to open the door you need the gold key and the only way to get the gold key is by getting the silver key, mkay, which even if he HAS the brass key he still hasn't made it past the boss level. Mkay.

Butters: You found the brass key!

[Having obtained the key, you go to the Facility room.]

Hall Monitor: He's here! Guard the key!

Boy: Dude, did you shit your pants?

Boy: EW! [Coughs]

Hall Monitor: Forget the key! Protect the front lines!

Boy: [groans]

Butters: That kid looks hurt pretty bad. Why, that'd just be silly. Your word is the command, my lord. There's a buddy...
Boy: Thanks. I though I was a goner! There were too many of them. They were too strong, their hair too red… Maybe you can take this silver key and find the gold key. You can succeed where I have failed! Free Mackey's prisoners!

Butters: I sure hope the gold key is in there or else the quest for the silver key has all been for nothing. Be careful, Douchebag. This is Mackey's lair. One wrong step and WE could end up in detention! The gold key... No human has ever laid hands on it before. Let's hope it holds the power to unlock the cafeteria door.

Hallway Monitor Boss: That's far enough, intruder! Where's your hall pass? No hall pass? Then it's time to write you a referral.

Mr. Mackey: Oh yeah, that's the boss. Good luck fighting the boss, mkay. You still think this is a game, young man?

Hallway Monitor Boss: Deadly force is authorized. [Yells]

Butters: You're straight trippin', son. By the hammer of Butters! I'm sorry. That was close! Whew! Use your power on him! Hurry!

Hallway Monitor Boss: Assault! Lawbreaker! I wasn't worthy of… the sash.

Butters: Whoopie!

[You open the cafeteria doors.]

All: YAY!!!!!!

Mr. Mackey: DAMN YOU, CRAAAAAAAIG!!!!

[You leave the school.]

Craig: Thanks for busting me out, kid. Who are you? What's your name? Oh well, I'm heading to Kupa Keep. See you there I guess.

[Quest completed!]

Butters: It's a good day to die! Uh, for you, that is.

Elf: Stop it!

Butters: Take that! I hope they're just sleeping.

[You return to the Kupa Keep.]

Cartman: Gentlemen, thanks to the new kid, our entire army is assembled! It is my belief that the new kid deserves to rank up in level. To honor his efforts, he will no longer be called "Douchebag." New Kid, I hereby dub thee - SIR Douchebag! Congratulations. But now it is time for us to take back that which is rightfully ours. A carrier Raven has come with news that the Stick of Truth has not yet been taken to the Elven Forest. It is in the possession of... the Bard.

Scott Malkinson: The Bard?!

Tweek: Oh God, not the Bard!

Butters: The Bard is a level ten drow elf who can use music to enchant and destroy his enemies!

Cartman: Are you ready to continue your training? Then make haste to the training grounds! Kay you're insane now. Kay, you're healed. Ay, where the hell are you going? I'm going to teach you how to use a RANGED magic attack. It's not easy but being able to cup-a-spell from a distance can save you in battle. Allow me to demonstrate. HYAAA!!!

[He farts in his hand and lets out the fart on the training dummy.]

Cartman: Let me show you one more time. Watch closely. HYAAAA!!!!! You see how it works? Now you try. Way back from where you're standing. Cup the magic, throw it at your opponent.

[You fart.]

Cartman: Yes! YES! But, now let us see how you fare against a REAL OPPONENT! Hey, hey, Malkinson, Malkinson, could you come help us with something? Shh, shh! Don't tell him - this is gonna be sweet.

Scott Malkinsons: Yes?

Cartman: Oh hey Scott, could you um, spar with Douchebag real quick? He's gonna try out a new move.

Scott Malkinsons En garde!

Cartmane NOW, DOUCHEBAG! CUP A SPELL!

Scott Malkinsons: Aghgh!

Cartman: HAA! HA AHA AHA AHAAA!!! Dude, that was sweet! You threw that shi RIGHT in Scott's face! HAaha! All right, Scott, back to your post. Thank you. Hahehe. Use it wisely in battle, Douchebag. And never on a men's balls.

[You go back to the others.]

Cartman: If the carrier ravens are correct, the Bard is hiding out at the Inn of the Giggling Donkey. We must find him before he's able to take the Stick back to the Elven Forest.

Butters: Let us find the Bard and bring him to justice!!!

Cartman: MAKE HASTE TO THE GIGGLING DONKEY!

[Call the Banners completed.]

The Bard

Scott Malkinson: Douchebag, you'd better stock up on some powerups and potions. The Inn of the Giggling Donkey is a dangerous place!

Cartman: There it is... the Inn of the Giggling Donkey. Paladin, are you sure the Bard is hiding out in there?

Butters: That's what Twitter says.

Cartman: CARRIER RAVEN, Butters!

Butters: So-sorry, that's what the carrier raven says.

Cartman: Craig and Token, guard the back door. Butters, Kenny, Sir Douchebag... let's go inside.

[They enter the tavern… located in Stan's house.]

Cartman: Stay close, Sir Douchebag. The Inn of the Giggling Donkey harbors the scum of all Zaron.

Cartman: A glass of meedlewine, please.

Bartender Kid: No Meedlewine today, only Fairy Ale.

Cartman: A pint of Fairy Ale, then. So... has uh... anyone seen the Bard lately?

[The music stops. Everyone looks at him.]

Cartman: A cup of Fairy Ale isn't much if not accompanied by some bardic poems and songs.

Bartender Kid: Sure, he's here, all right. He's got a room down in the cellar.

Cartman: Ah, and I shall pay handsomely for his services. Sir Douchebag.

[Cartman tosses a few coins to the bartender and they step aside.]

Cartman: Butters, Douchebag go down and flush him out. Princess Kenny and I will be waiting here to murder him. Remember, the Bard can use songs to enchant. Don't let him get to you.

[You and Butters go down to the basement.]

Butters: You think the bard's really down here? I think I hear him. Hello? Oh, Jesus, it's the Bard!

Jimmy: Prepare for battle, W-W-W-weaklings! Elves, fall in!

Cartman: DOUCHEBAAAG! IT'S A TRAAAP!

[The door closes.]

Jimmy: You should have never come here, h-humans. I am a level 10 bard, and with my lute I shall power up my elven guards with magical songs of ench-With magical songs of encha... With magical songs of encha-chaaaaaa…

(Hold to Skip)

Jimmy: With magical songs of encha-chaaaaaa… Magical songs of enchantment.

[The fight begins. Jimmy starts singing.]


Jimmy: There once was a maiden from Stonebury Hollow. She didn't talk much, but boy did she swallow…

Butters: Hey, I blocked it! That was close!

Jimmy: I have a nice lance that she sat upon. The maiden from Stonebury who was also your mom…

Butters: Eye for an eye!

Jimmy: There once was a maiden from Stonebury Hollow. She didn't talk much, but boy did she swallow.

Elf: Hey!

Jimmy: Wow, what a bute kicking…

Butters: We usually win.

[Jimmy runs away… walks away.]

Jimmy: Get down there and finish them off. I will protect the Stick of Truth.

Elf: The bard will reward us for this!

Elf: A windwaker!

Craig: Hey, Sir Douchebag! Up here! I'll handle this.

[He tries to help but falls out of the window.]

Craig: Ow! Ow! My ankle! I think it might be broken.

Butters: Maybe I should take a look at it. Oh boy, bad guys!

Elf: I don't think so.

Elf: I'm telling.

Butters: That kind of hurt.

Elf: [Vomits]

Butters: Whoopie! Your word is the command, my lord. Yeah, there you go, buddy.

Craig: Thank you, noble paladin. My wound is healed.

Butters: Can you get us upstairs? I think they locked us out.

Craig: Nothing a level twelve thief can't take care of. You guys go ahead!

[You go out into the kitchen and see that Cartman is surrounded by the Elves. He's badly hurt.]

Elf: FOR THE ELF KING!

Cartman: AHGHGH! Someone help!!

Elf: Take that!

Butters: That came from the kitchen! Ah, hamburgers!

Elf: Pft.

Butters: En garde!

Elf: Quit it!

Butters: Hey, I blocked it! I'm rubber, you're glue. Eye for an eye! Whew! Take that! I think I just found my new bottom bitch.

Elf: Ah, shit!

[Elves defeated.]

Butters: Your word is the command, my lord. Shall I heal the king, my lord? Or maybe let him suffer just a little bit more? Yes, sir! Just a buddy…

Cartman: (fake coughs) His powers were too strong - the Bard. He's up in one of the rooms. They took Princess Kenny! They took her upstairs. I'm sure they're going to rape her. Don't let them rape Princess Kenny! Mehhh…

[You go out into the hallway, where the elves are already ready to defend the Bard.]

Jimmy: The Wizard King is done for! Take out the New Kid while I go upstairs and make contact with the King of Elves.

Elf: You're not getting past us, fucker!

Butters: We should give this inn a really mean online review after we're done killing everybody.

Tweek: HELLO?

Butters: Use your magic on the front door, Douchebag!

Token: For the KKK!

Elf Berserker: Protect the Bard!

Token: C'mon, quick!

Elf: Don't let them get to the tower.

Butters: We're gonna send you straight to heck!

Elf: This elf is gonna fuck you up!

The defended is appears to be too strong. You pray Jesus for help.

Butters: Ah! Ha ah ha ahhh ho hoo!

Jesus: Lock and load.

[Jesus descends from heaven and shoots opponents with an M-16.]

Elf: I'm out.

Butters: Oh boy, we won!

Token: Where's the King?!

Craig: He's over there! He's hurt bad!

Token: Good thing my Medicine skills are plus four!

Craig: We'll hey wife the wizard! You guys get upstairs!

[You go upstairs.]

Kenny: Mrm! Mrmm mrm mmmmm!

Butters: Wait a minute! Listen! They're raping the princess RIGHT NOW. We have to bust in there! He's keeping her prisoner! Good thing Jimmy's parents are out of town.

Elf: Ah, shit!

Kenny: Mm mrphrm!

Cartman: Princess Kenny!! How badly did they rape you?!

Kenny: Mrm mm mmrphm.

Craig: I can't get through! The door appears to be enchanted so I can't turn the knob!

Cartman: YOU CAN'T HOLD THE DOORKNOB, BARD! THAT'S CHEATING!

Jimmy: Yeah, I can. I have the Stick of Truth which means I control the universe, and I say holding the doorknob is okay.

Cartman: Ungh, can he do that?

Craig: He has the Stick of Truth, he can do what he wants.

Cartman: Dammit!

Cartman: There's GOT to be another way into this room!

Token: Hey! Let us up!

Elf: You're not getting up here. The ladder's up here with me. And I'm sure as shit not coming down there.

Kenny: Mrphm mmmmm mmrphrmmmm. Mmmmmm mph mmmmph mmmrm!

Elf: Well, lookie what we got here. I'm coming for ya, baby! Oh, yeah! Ooooh!! Those are some big ol' bitties… Man oh man… Ooof!

Cartman: Good job Princess Gone Wild. Double D buddy powers.

Butters: Aw, even the attic's crawling with stinky old elves. I bet they like it up here 'cause it's like, it's like being in a tree.

Elf: Stay sharp!

Butters: We will kill 'em with compassion!

Butters: Oh boy, we won!

Cartman: You've nowhere to run, Bard! Give me the Stick of Truth.

Jimmy: Take it from me if you can, W-Wizard King. Step forward now, and fulfill your de-de- and fulfill your de-de… Step forward now and fulfill your de… Step forward now and fulfill your d d d destiny! The Stick belongs with us! And I shall use every bardic power in my class to keep it from you!

Cartman: Fine. You wanna throw down, brah? Kick his ass, Douchebag.

Jimmy: Who is Douchebag?

Cartman: That's SIR Douchebag to you! And he is about to teach you some manners, Bard!

[The fight begins! Jimmy calls for some mouse jesters.]

Jimmy: Dirty w-wench!

Butters: Take that! I'm rubber, you're glue. You're straight trippin', son.

Jimmy: Sleep now, the whip poor-wills are d-dancing. Gently now, put your m-mind to rest. A pox on your nuts!

Butters: He's gonna play the brown note! Block it out!

Jimmy: That all you g… got? A p-ap-ap-p-pox on thee!

Butters: By the hammer of Butters!

Jimmy: Oh yeah?

Butters: I'm sorry.

Jimmy: Knave! Set 'em up, and kn-knock 'em down. Wow, what a terrific target.

[You try to fart but shit yourself.]

Jimmy: Yowza!

Butters: He's out of breath, get 'em!

Jimmy: You want a p-piece of me?!

Butters: There you go, pal. Aw, I wanted to show mercy!

[You win!!!]

Cartman: THE STICK IS OURS!!!

Butters: YAY!!!

Cartman: Find his running shoes. Just kidding. Ready to leave, Sir Douchebag? Okay, but hurry up. This inn is no longer safe for our kind.

[The army returns to the Kupa Keep.]

Cartman: The Stick of Truth is back where it belongs! Great job, men! Douchebag, for your heroic deeds and valiant self sacrifice at the great Battle of The Giggling Donkey, I hereby make you an official member of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep. Welcome to the KKK!

Mrs. Cartman: It's getting late. The Grand Wizard needs to go night night.

Cartman: Okay, Mom. Thanks for pointing out bedtime for everyone.

Mrs. Cartman: It's a school night, hon. You and your little Druid friends need to…

Cartman: WE'RE NOT DRUIDS, MOM, WE'RE FUCKING WARRIORS AND WIZARDS!

Mrs. Cartman: That's it. You're going to bed. The rest of you better get home too.

[The Bard quest completed. It's getting late.]

Mrs. Cartman: It's late, hon. Your parents will be worried.

It's Late

[You return home.]

Dad: Well, there he is!

Mom: You make any new friends, sweetheart?

Dad: Nothing to say, huh? What a surprise.

Mom: It's late, sweetie. Go on up to bed and I'll be there to say goodnight.

[You go to your room and go to sleep.]

Mom: Good night, little man. I hope you're as happy as we are. Everything is going to be better now that we're in this quiet little mountain town.

Alien Abduction

[You close your eyes and fall asleep. Suddenly, a blue light starts shining through the window of your house… Five aliens are entering your room! You are being dragged to a spaceship. You spot Mr. Mackie and others getting their ass drilled.]

Mr. Mackey: I'm having the dream again... Mkay... This is dreamy...

Craig: What's.... happening?

Mr. Slave: Oh Jesus... JESUS CHRIST! Oho, could we try the big silver one again?

[You, too, are placed on the table ass-up. The aliens try to insert a white probe into your ass, but you fart with fire and break it. Then the aliens prepare a black probe, a bigger one... but you can handle it too. The aliens leave. Stan's father, Randy, is nearby.]

Randy Marsh: Is this your first time getting probed? Yeah, it's a pain, but this is the kind of stuff you put up with living in a remote little mountain town. At least we don't have to deal with traffic. Hey, you broke free! Kid, you have an incredible control of your asshole! Get me loose too! Wow, look at that! You must have broke of part of the probe and now you can control.it with your sphincter muscles. I'm surrounded by some kind of force field. Go find a way to shut it off. When you break me free I can show you how to get off the ship!

[You go to study the ship.]

Hobo: (Audiolog) Uh, hello... is this recording? If you are hearing this, I've been taken hostage on some kind of alien ship. The aliens did - unspeakable things to my rectal cavity. But I've broken free. I'm so scared and alone. I must find a way off this ship. Oh, god, they're coming! Why am I standing here making an audiolog? I don't have time for this! Leave me alone!

Randy Marsh: Oh hey, there you are. Oh, yeah. Yep. That's the lambda containment block. Take that elevator next to you. The probe in your asshole SHOULD interface with it. Great, you're in! You're looking for a security console. Should be one above you in Probe Maintenance and another below you in the Atmospheric Processor. Yeah, I know this stuff. Can't remember which one you want, though. Been awhile since I did this.

Hobo: (Audiolog) Day 2... So hungry… I've searched for food but the only thing I've found are other people's annoying useless audiologs. Why did they bother when they clearly were in terrible danger? Each audiolog ufind is more irrelevent and boring than the last. I must keep looking for a way to survive.

Randy Marsh: Great, you're there. See if you can free me from that console. Probably not though, it's incredibly advanced alien technology... no way some kid could work it.

Hobo: (Audiolog) Day 4... I've looked everywhere but can't find anything to eat... or a clue to get me off the ship. Just more audiologs. They're everywhere! For some reason, I listened to every minute of every one of them thinking there'd be some useful information; but it's like they're just FILLER!

Randy Marsh: Score! Aliens HATE electricity!

Hobo: (Audiolog) USELESS FILLER... THEY'RE FILLER THAT'S DRIVING ME TO MADNESS!

Randy Marsh: Keep going, I think you're on to something. I knew I could trust you. Keep it up! Uh.. I'm still stuck. Better try the other console. Okay, let's try the other console. God, I hope this works.

Hobo: (Audiolog) Day 7... Okay, I DID find one audiolog that was mildly amusing. A woman trapped on this ship left an audiolog about some papers she had left in an alien cabinet and she told me the code was 776. That was kinda cool because I didn't know the code before that; though when I opened the cabinet there was only some kind of power up I didn't really need.

Randy Marsh: Oh god. Oh god I got an itch. Oh god that is the WORST! Agh. AGH!

[You are trying to find the combination. Every time you're wrong Randy gets ass fucked hard.]

Randy Marsh: There, I think that. ARGH!! You've gotta be close... Come on... Try again! O-Okay... Next time's gotta be the charm... Give it all you've got! ARGH!!You've got to keep trying. I believe in you! Okay, that one doesn't work either. Head back toward the elevator. Okay I didn't want you to have to do this but there's one more console you can try in that room across the bridges. The alien who works there is REALLY tough so be careful and remember to use electricity. Hey, that did it! The force field's down. Come on back and we can get outta here.

Randy Marsh: [Sings] Feeling alright, feeling okay...

Hobo: (Audiolog) Success! I found something that looks to be food!
Hobo: It's some sort of green, florescent goo... I'm-I'm gonna have to try and eat some… It's not too bad. It's tangy and nutty, would probably go well with a- I-Wha-What's happening to me? What's it -- (Speaking German)

[You find the bum. You have to fight thus zombie Nazi conspiracy theorist, a homeless person abducted by aliens with a plunger in his hands.]

Randy Marsh: Great, you made it! Okay, use this panel here and we can all go home.

[You manage to enter a difficult combination and free Randy.]

Randy Marsh: Ah! Oh! Oh! You did it! Thanks, kid! I don't know who you are or if you're real, but consider me.... your friend. Until we meet again!

[You continue exploring the alien ship using the probe in your ass. After reaching the control panel, you take control of the ship and crash it on the local mall. debris scatters across the city. The green goo flows down the drain… Some biig governend guy with an eyepath answers his phone ]

Big Bad Government Guy: Yes? At what location? How many people in the town? Get in there and cover it up. This could change everything. (hangs up) Get everyone moving... We've got another UFO crash.

[Alien Abduction quest completed!]

[The next day. You wake up in you bed. Was it just a dream? You go downstairs to your parents to have a breakfast.]

Dad: Good morning, Champ.

Mom: Looks like you have a couple days off school, honey. More time to meet some new friends in the neighborhood.

Dad: GOOOD MORRRNING. Maybe you could try calling one of your friends today on your new phone! Just--just a thought.

[You are about to leave the house. Cartman meets you right at the door.]

Cartman: Aghgh!!! MY GOD!!! They came outta nowhere! There was a huge earthquake and then, and then there was burning in my yard!!! Didn't you hear about it?! It's all over the news! Here look!

[He turns on the TV.]

News Anchor: ... and that a large earthquake and several fires in the South Park area last night woke many residents from their sleep. Here with a report is a midget in a bikini.

Midget Reporter: Tom, government workers here are assuring everyone nothing out of the ordinary has happened. They claim that the only reason huge tents have gone up to cover this area is to mask the construction of a new Taco Bell which will open sometime later this month.

News Anchor: Thanks midget, I do love me some Taco Bell. The mayor of South Park states that last night's tremors and fires are under control and that hopefully schools and businesses can open again soon.

Cartman: It's horrible. You don't understand. The elves... THEY TOOK THE STICK! And it's bullshit, because that is TOTALLY CHEATING! We specifically said no trying to take the Stick at night! Elves are DIRTY LITTLE LIARS! And we have to lay waste to their ENTIRE BASE! You have some incredible ability to make friends quickly, Sir Douchebag. I'm sending you on a quest to go out into the lands of Zaron and recruit a whole other FACTION to Kupa Keep. Find the goth kids and give them this letter. Get them to join our kingdom and we shall lay waste to the drow elves once and for all! Fucking cheaters…

Gain New Allies

[You meet up with Butters and hit the road again.]

Butters: I was just coming over to see if well, if you wanted to come play with us again.

Kelly R: Hey, you're getting popular. I need to get in on that!

[You fight some bums…]

Butters: Well there's a professor of astrophysics. There's a professor of neurobiology… That one is a lawyer I think. He said he went to Oxford.

Hobo: Hey!

Butters: I'm Butters the Merciful, of the well of t-the Knights of Kindheartedness. En garde!

Hobo: That's not nice.

Hobo: What'd I do?

Hobo: Wanna play rough, huh?

Butters: Whew!

Hobo: Aw, come on.

Butters: I shall smite thee! Maybe now you'll turn your life around.

[You go down into the sewers.]

Butters: Smells like strong magic down here.

[You fight some rats.]

Butters: Let me at 'em! Leave us alone! That wasn't so bad. Hey, I blocked it! Whoopie!

Dropping The Kids Off

[Soon you find the house of Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo.]

Mr. Hankey: Howwwwwwwwwdy ho!!!! Gosh thanks for comin' to visit - But here EVERY DAY is Christmas! So when I say 'Howwdy Ho!' You gotta say "Howwwwdy ho, Mr. Hankey! Give it a try! (you remain silent) "Howwwwwdy Ho!" Hmm, guess they let anybody down in the sewers these days…

Mrs. Hankey: Who's at the door? Is that the guy with my pills?

Mr. Hankey: No it's not anyone with pills for you, darling, okay.

Mrs. Hankey: I called that motherfucker three hours ago!

Mr. Hankey: This is my lovely wife Autumn. She celebrates Christmas with vodka and muscle relaxers.

Mrs. Hankey: And here every day is Christmas! Wait... Where the fuck are my kids?!

Mr. Hankey: What do you mean where are the kids YOU were supposed to be watching them out back, Autumn!

Mrs. Hankey: No! They were being watched by the baby sitter!

Mr. Hankey: THE BABY SITTER QUIT FOUR MONTHS AGO WHEN YOU THREW UP ON HER!

Mrs. Hankey: DON'T YOU FUCKING YELL AT ME!

Mr. Hankey: DON'T YO- Excuse us a minute.

[They go into the house and close the door.]

Mrs. Hankey: DON'T YOU EVER EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF A STRANGER LIKE THAT!

Mr. Hankey: YOU'RE DRUNK! YOU'RE DRUNK, AUTUMN, AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR KIDS ARE!

Mrs. Hankey: FUCK YOUI THEY'RE YOUR KIDS TOO, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

Mr. Hankey: NO, FUCK YOU, AUTUMN! FUCK YOU!

[Mr. Hankey leaves the house.]

Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho! Uh, listen, I gotta get my wife some help-

Mrs. Hankey: [Vomits]

Mr. Hankey: Could you go look for our children? I sure would make it worth your while. There's Simon, Amber and Cornwalis. Tell them their father wants them home right away.

Mrs. Hankey: MY BABIES!!! BRING ME MY BABIES- (cries and vomits)

Mr. Hankey: YOU'RE A FUCKING TRAIN WRECK!

Butters: I'm getting hungry down here…

[You get in a fight.]

Butters: Ah, hamburgers! Justice be done! That wasn't so bad. Eye for an eye! We usually win.

Amber: Help! Hey, over here, mister! Please get me down. I'm cold and hungry and I stink like shit! Thanks, mister! I wish I had a safe and warm environment in which to thrive, but I don't so I guess I'll go home.

Butters: Ah shucks, when are we gonna catch a break? Take that!

Hobo: What'd I do?

Hobo: Aw, come on.

Hobo: Hey!

Hobo: Wanna play rough, huh?

Butters: Keep tryin'!

Hobo: That's not nice.

Butters: Boy this is neat-o, huh?

Butters: Sound off, Sergeant! Yo, dawg. Uh, can't I just go right back home after the fight so I don't get grounded? You should be nice! Whoopie!

Cornwallis: [Sings].

Butters: We will kill 'em with compassion! Eat mercy! Take that!

Hobo: Hey!

Hobo: What'd I do?

Hobo: Aw, come on.

Hobo: That's not nice.

Butters: Hey, I blocked it!

Hobo: Wanna play rough, huh?

Butters: Another victory for the good guys!

Cornwallis: Thanks, kid. My drunkass mom sent me to get more eggnog and I got lost! See yall.

Butters: Hope we can find those little shit nuggets! The Hammer of Justice shall strike the Nail of Evil into the Board of Being Sorry! Take that!

Hobo: Wanna play rough, huh?

Hobo: What'd I do?

Hobo: That's not nice.

Butters: This is like finding a dingleberry in a sewer system...

Simon: Shoo you rat bastards! Help! They're after my nut! Uh, oh. You made their mama angry.

Butters: Well, what are we waitin' for! No, no, no, no, no! I'm rubber, you're glue. Hey, bad guy! Oh hamburgers! Oh boy, we won!

Simon: Thanks so much, mister! I was afraid those rats were gonna get me and I was gonna end up a floater!

Hobo: Hornin' in on my action?

Butters: Eye for an eye!

Butters: Keep tryin'!

Hobo: Hey!

Butters: That wasn't so bad.

Hobo: That's not nice.

Hobo: Aw, come on.

Hobo: What'd I do?

[You return to Mr. Hankey.]

Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho! Thanks for finding my kids! Thank the nice man, nuggets!

All: Thank you!

Mr. Hankey: Anytime you need my help. you just call on me and I'll be there sure as a shit on a Sunday! Howwwwdy Ho!

Mr. Hankey: Except against bosses of course. I might have shit for brains, but I'm not stupid. And I can't help you more than once per day. Just like I can't help anyone who won't help themselves with rehab.

[Dropping The Kids Off quest completed. You descend from the sewers in the caves.]

Butters: I've killed way bigger guys than you. Well, the New Kid has. Whew! Hey, I blocked it! No, no, no, no, no! Nobody stops a paladin! Whoopie! Why can't you just leave us alone? You're straight trippin', son. Another victory for the good guys! Fellas! We can work this out! Another victory for the good guys!

[After defeating many bats, you leave the sewers next to the cinema.]

Ticket Guy: How's it feel to totally not be able to see the new Terrance and Phillip movie?

Elf: Let's do this!

Butters: By the hammer of Butters! I just... was seeing if it works!

Elf: [Vomits]

Butters: Oh boy, we won!

Ticket Guy: It's like totally awesome to be mature like me and not immature like you twerps.

Man: What's wrong with your nose?

Mr. Tweak: Welcome to my coffee shop. Thanks for helping Tweek out in the back room. Would you like to try some coffee? It's fresh, like a sun-dappled cornfield ready for harvest.

[You buy several healing items, after which you return to Al Gore.]

Al Gore: Nice work! I will let you know of any updates on ManBearPig. Make sure to share the news on Facebook. I am super cereal.

[ManBearPig quest completed! You visit the Mayor.]

Mayor McDaniels: Thanks, kid! Your work helping with the homeless of South Park will never be forgotten. Here's your cash.

[The Homeless Problem quest completed.]

Recruit the Goth Kids

[You come to the backyard of the school where the goths hang out.]

Pete: Who's that?

Henrietta Biggle: I think it's that new kid people are talking about.

Michael: Beat it, New Kid, this area is strictly for Goth kids. (you give him Cartman's letter) What's this? Join the Kingdom of Kupa Keep to battle the wicked elves. All recruits welcome. Sorry, Frodo, we don't play Dungeons and Douchebags.

Pete: Yeah, beat it, New Kid.

Firkle: Aw, come on, let's do it. We never do anything.

Michael: NO WAY! WE CAN'T DO WHAT THIS KID ASKS US TO DO! HE'S A CONFORMIST! Look at his clothes and his hair!

Pete: Yeah, tell you what, New Kid. Get the right clothes and some cigarettes and coffee and then talk to us again.

Michael: Yeah, if you wanna prove you aren't a conformist then you need to look exactly like we do. Then MAYBE we'll consider hanging out with you.

Nonconformist

[You go to Jimbo's store.]

Elf: Oh, you want some of this?

Boy: Last cigarette. You guys got more?

Boy: Yeah, we just stole a fresh pack.

Jimbo: What can I do for you, New Kid? All right looks like that beat's sucked its true fruit! That mouse was making ad all look bad in more ways than one, eh, Ned?

Ned Gerblanski: Speak for yourself.

Jimbo: I can't wait to see what you will next!

[You attack high school students smoking at the store.]

Boy: Get lost New Kid. We're trying to smoke here.

Butters: Well, what if we just make friends instead? Take that! Ow! I really feel sad for 'em.

[You got Cigarettes!]

Butters: The Hammer of Justice shall strike the Nail of Evil into the Board of Being Sorry!

Elf: You'll pay for that!

Butters: To battle! Take that!

Elf: [Vomits]

Elf: No fair!

Butters: I hope they're just sleeping.

[You buy Goth clothes ready from a bum.]

Hobo: I'll give you a good price.

[And of course coffee. you buy it at the Tweek Brothers store.]

Mr. Tweak: Which of our local coffees would you like to try?

[In the meantime, Al Gore continues to send you a huge number of messages. You need to do something about it.]

[When you leave the coffee shop, you are surrounded by elves.]

Elf Hey there he is! NEW Kid!

Elf: New Kid, the Elf King has requested your presence. You can either come quietly or you can fight. But I warn you, fighting this fight at this point in the game is a complete waste of time and you might as well skip it and just come with us.

[You agree with their offer.]

Elf: You choose wisely, New Kid. Come with us.

[You are led to Kyle's house. He himself sits in a tree in his backyard. Many children crowd around him.]

Kyle: So you're the new kid everyone is talking about. What's your name?

Elf: He doesn't talk, Elf King. He thinks he's hot shit on something.

Kyle: You're PLAYING FOR THE WRONG SIDE, dude. What did Wizard fat ass tell you? That we broke the rules and took the Stick last night? He's LYING.

Stan: Cartman is one you should be fighting against. He's hiding the Stick - which is cheating and acting all betrayed and sad to get YOU to recruit more people for him.

Kyle: We tracked a Twitter maven who says you are currently trying to recruit the goths for the wizard. Go recruit them. But bring them to US. Then we can ransack Cartman's stupid kingdom and get the Stick back once and for all. I'm trusting you to do what's right. And kid... If you betray us, we'll tell EVERYONE you’re a butthole. I am sending our best ranger to help guide you. The Bard is also at your disposal now.

Chris Donnely: Our king may trust you, but that doesn't mean I have to.

Restoring the Balance

DogPoo: The humans have raised banners around town, claiming elf territory for their own. So sayeth the Well of Insight. Plus it's all over Twitter. The Well says balance can be restored only if a Chosen One were to fuck up their banners.

Magical Songs

Jimmy: You know what every good bard should have? A flute. If I had a flute, I could play f-f-fantastic melodies. If only I had a flute. My Facebook says the rancher might be selling one…

The She-Ogre

Stan: All is lost. My contacts, my maps, my friends list. You will help me battle the She-Ogre and reclaim my iPhone?

[You recruit Stan to help in your journey! You leave Kyle's house.]

Gerald: Hey if you ever wanna sue anybody, you come to me first, okay?

[You go to Stan's house.]

Stan: Nothing can prepare you for this battle. If I die, tell the guys I fought bravely. Down on that side is where my parents sleep, and across from that is the cave of the She-Ogre. So, this is my room. Okaaay…

Person in Closet (Tom Cruise): I'm never coming out!

Stan: Dude. This is our bathroom. My dad set a world record in that toilet.

[Then they walk into the She-Ogre lair…]

Stan: Give me back my iPhone, DEMON!!

Shelly Marsh: YOU LITTLE TURRRD!

Stan: I've brought help! Let's see you try and take us BOTH!

Shelly Marsh: AHGHGGHH!!!!

[The epic fight begins!]

Stan: Your days are numbered, She-Ogre! Let's finish this. Go boy! Kya-kya!

Shelly Marsh: [Vomits]

Stan: No way, dude. You're going down! Man, we ripped shit UP. Take mine iPhone again, and I shall bring justice swifter yet.

Shelly Marsh: Get...out... of my room, TURRRRD!!!!

[You get the iPhobe and leave the house.]

Stan: I bow to you, ogre-slayer. I'm glad to call you friend.

[The She-Ogre quest completed. For the next adventure you team up with Jimmy. You go to the Ranch.]

Jimmy: Oh boy the cattle ranch! We're here! EXCUSE US?! HELLO?!

Rancher Bill: Hey! Get off my ranch!

Jimmy: Sorry to bother you, sir. We are elven warriors of the forest. I understand you might have a f-f-flute for sale?

Rancher Bill: You wanna buy the flute?

Jimmy: It just so happens I'm a level ten bard, and a flute is just what I need to play magical songs of enchamen- Of encha-cha… Magical songs of ench- Of en… A flute is just what I need to play m… A flute is just what I need to play magical songs of encha… Of enchantme- Magical songs of ench… Of enchantme… A flute is just what I need to play magical songs of encha… Of enchantme- Magical songs of ench-cha… Magical songs of ench- Of en... Of enchantme… Magical songs of ench… Of enchantme… A flute is just what I need to play m....A flute is just what I need to play magical songs of encha… Of enchantme- Magical songs of ench… Of enchantme- Magical songs of ench... Of en... Of encha… A flute is just what I need to play magical songs of encha… Enchantment!

Rancher Bill: Yeah, well, only problem is the flute's in the barn and there's where the crazy cattle are locked up! Damndest thing I ever saw. Some of the cattle started acting real funny. I tried to calm 'em down but they shouted something in German and then tried to kill me!

Jimmy: Well, don't worry sir. You just need help from a level ten bard and his warrior friend. Leave it to us!

Rancher Bill: All right. If you say so. Here's the keys to the barn.

Jimmy: All right, cows. It's time to stop misbehavin'.

[A whole herd of Nazi zombie cows turns to him.1

Jimmy: Looks like we got a fight on our hands. Hey fellas. Got any NEW material?

[Nazi zombie cows turn out to be kamikaze. They blow themselves up with dynamite.]

Jimmy: Hu-huzzah! (you fart) Is that the setup or the punch line?

[You get the flute.]

Rancher Bill: Hey you did it! You elves are pretty all right! Did you find the flute?

Jimmy: I sure did, Rancher Bill! And now my bardic abilities will be greater than ever before.

Rancher Bill: Well, you earned it. See ya 'round.

Jimmy: Thanks, new kid. I couldn't have done it without you. Where should we go next?

[Magical Songs quest completed. You team up with Stan and go to see Al Gore.]

Unfriend Al Gore

Al Gore: You're back, Junior Al Gorean, but why haven't you liked any of my Facebook messages... unless… [gasps] Of course! You're no normal human kid! It's YOU!! MANBEARPIG! HA! I have you now!!! Let us fight to the death!!!

Stan: Oh, boy…

Al Gore: Now let's see how you like sitting through a WHOLE PRESENTATION ON GLOBAL WARMING! You can not escape the scientific certainty of global climate change!

Stan: Red rocket!

Al Gore: Hey!

Stan: Enough!

Al Gore: Gore-gasm!

Government Guard: Protect the former sort-of Vice President!

Government Guard: I'm hit!

Stan: Attack!

Government Guard: Take cover!

Government Guard: Medic!

Government Guard: [Vomits]

Al Gore: Excelsior!

Government Guard: Taking fire!

Stan: Go get 'em, boy!

Government Guard: Take cover!

Government Guard: [Vomits]

Al Gore: Hey!

Government Guard: Medic!

Stan: Go boy!

Stan: Kya-kya!

Government Guard: [Vomits]

Government Guard: Tell my wife... I wasn't that into her.

Stan: Oh no you don't!

Government Guard: knew this day would come.

Stan: No way, dude.

Government Guard: I'm hit!

Stan: Kill!

Government Guard: Man down.

Stan: Mess with the beast, you get the claws.

After an intense fight Al Gore is finally defeated!!

Al Gore: I can die! I was almost… barely president.

[Unfriend Al Gore quest completed. You team up with Butters again and find… Al Gore secret president room.]

Butters: Oh, look! He was playing president.

You destroy all the kids park banners and return to DogPoo.

Dog Poo: Our territory is restored. I am honored to friend you, Dragonborn.

[Restoring the Balance quest completed. You gi to the Goth Kids dressing as oneof them.]

Michael: Oh joy, it's Butthole the Barbarian from the Dungeons of Dumbass.

Pete: You got to admit he looks better.

Henrietta Biggle: Yeah, he's ALMOST a goth.

Michael: Being goth isn't just how you dress, it's a frame of MIND. It's time for you to prove that you go against society's rules.

Firkle: Yeah.

Michael: There's a bla PTA meeting happening right now the community center. You need to walk right into the middle of that meeting and tapo this sign to their table.

Pete: Yeah... THAT will prove your individuality.

Michael: Go on, beat it. And don't come back until you have a PICTURE of that sign taped to the PTA table.

You go to the community center, where there is already a lively discussion happens. No one even notices how you enter with a poster in your hands.

Gerald: It isn't RIGHT, I tell you! Out of NOWHERE this HUGE Taco Bell is being built, and now our CHILDREN are missing precious school time!

Principal Victoria: Parents, we've been assured by the builders that they are working to fix whatever problems they've encountered and school should be able to resume soon.

Mr. Stotch: Resume SOON?! Who do they think they are?! They think we're gonna see a Taco Bell as being more important than our kids educations?!

Randy Marsh: What if it's not REALLY a Taco Bell we're dealing with? Thanks for coming, New Kid. Everyone, this is the kid whose family just moved to town. We've become very close friends. His name is… what's your name? Well anyway, this child and I witnessed something last night, and I'd like you to hear his story. Go ahead, kid. Tell them, you know, about all the go ahead. Tell 'em. Tell 'em that stuff.

Mr. Stotch: This is a waste of everyone's time! If the PTA isn't going to do something about Taco Bell taking over then the rest of us parents will!

AII: YEAH!/THAT'S RIGHT! /Let's go!

Mr. Stotch: COME ON!

[Most parents run out of the building. You decide to talk to the remaining adults.]

Wasted Cache

Mr. Mackey: I used to have a bad hoarding problem, mkay, but I got past it. Now I can just throw things away. Would you mind throwing away this for me? I just need it thrown away somewhere very specific. I'll show you on your map. Mkay thanks.

Randy Marsh: I saw you on the ship. You have pretty good control over your asshole…

Mrs. Broflovski: This is a PTA meeting, young man, be on your way.

Mr. Garrison: Fuck the conformists… why? Are they a good lay?

Principal Victoria: Why don't you exercise your freg Speech at home, little boy?

Mr. Adler: Don't be screwing around in here.

Randy Marsh: (takes the poster from you) Look, I KNOW how you're feeling, ok? But THIS isn't going to solve anything. We've got to get inside that 'Taco Bell' and find out what's really going on. Help me with that and I'll help you with this. I saw you on the ship - you have pretty good control over your farts. Meet me in the bathroom. It's time for you to learn some REAL power.

PTA Problems

Principal Victoria: (you fart) That's something I'd expect from the kindergartners, young man.

[You follow Randy to the toilet. He already wearing a kimono!]

Randy Marsh: I can tell you have potential, but you are undisciplined. Let me show you what I mean.
Randy Marsh: Come at me. Try and fart on me. Come on!

[Since you are still shocked by what is happening, you cannot fart normally.]

Randy Marsh: Kee ya! You call that farting on someone? You missed by a mile. Try again!

[You mildly fart.]

Randy Marsh: Hai-CHAA! See that? Your fart's over there somewhere. Didn't come close. So... what do you do when people can block your farts? You must learn... To control your farts to move and release at a specific time and place. I am going to teach you a fart called… The Sneaky Squeaker. It will become your greatest ally. Don't believe me? Try and block my attack.

[Randy distracts you with a ranged fart, then kick the shit out of you.]

Randy Marsh: You see that? I distracted you. Distracting your opponents is key to battle. Look, let me show you again. Pay special attention to the viscosity. Okay you try. Make your fart detonate behind me.

[You manage to do so. Mr. Makey enters.]

Mr. Mackey: Oh, hey guys.

Randy Marsh: M-Mr. Mackey. Now it's your turn. Use Sneaky Squeaker to distract Mr. Mackey over to the corner there.

Mr. Mackey: Hey did you guys hear that? Sounded like a chipmunk.

He steps aside.

Randy Marsh: KYAAAAA!!!!

[Randy kicks him by jump in the air.]

Randy Marsh: Very VERY good. Now, use what I've taught you to sneak inside that Taco Bell. Find out what they're up to and report back here. And no matter WHAT happens… never fart on anyone's balls. You got that? All right, now go.

[First, you go to fulfill Mr. Makey's request.]

Butters: Neato! It's like a huge fort!

[You return to Mr. Makey.]

Mr. Mackey: Ok, thanks, you threw that away for me? You might be thinking I still have a hoarding issue, but you'd be wrong, mkay?Would you like to be friends on Facebook?

[Wasted Cache quest completed. You go to the "new Tako Bell" site. You can clearly see an alien sauser sticks out of the destroyed mall.]

Government Agent: Folks, there's nothing to be concerned with here. Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary is going on. We're simply getting ready for the grand opening of a new Taco Bell. New Taco Bell opening soon, very big Taco Bell. It's gonna open in a few weeks. Thank you.

Townsperson: Ah, will this Taco Bell be serving enchiritos?

Government Agent: What?

Townsperson: Well, is it gonna be a FULL MENU Taco Bell, or is this gonna be one of those TACO BELL/KFC combos?

Government Agent: (via radio) We got a guy out here asking a lot of questions.

Big Bad Government Guy: Just stick to the script as laid out in the protocol.

Government Agent: But he wants to know if the Taco Bell will have enchiritos or not, sir.

Big Bad Government Guy: Dammit, we don't have a contingency for that... Michaels, isolate and neutralize the threat.

Government Agent: Yes, sir…

Townsperson: Look, it-it's a simple question. If this is gonna be a HUGE Taco Bell, WILL it serve enchiritos? I think we have a right to know-

[A sniper shot him in the head.]

Wife: Mark?

Government Agent: Folks we know you're all very excited, but for your SAFETY we ask you stay clear of the construction site.

Wife: Mark?

[You go near the fenced construction site.]

Government Agent: Sorry, absolutely nobody allowed past. Check back in a few weeks, thank you.

Butters: Maybe we can sneak by if you can distract them with your magical butthole powers. Sound off, Sergeant! [Laughs] You should check for mud.

Government Agent: What was that? Is somebody here? I'll find you!

[You enter the military base.]

Butters: This place doesn't really look like a Taco Bell.

[You manage to sneak into the ventilation. You hear a meeting of government agents.]

Government Agent: ...but so far we have been unable to stop the UFO from leaking the toxic waste. We've contained all we can but there are no guarantees an outbreak will not occur.

Big Bad Government Guy: And does the alien liquid appear to have the same effect as… last time?

Government Agent: I'm afraid so. When the alien waste reacts with organic material on Earth it turns things into... Nazi Zombies.

[The flap rises and they see an example of such a zombie in a cage.]

Nazi Zombie: [Speaking German]

Government Agent: Here we go again.

Big Bad Government Guy: God dammit. I am so tired of Nazi zombies. It's so overused.

Government Agent: If the wrong person gets their hands on that green toxin, it could totally spread and we have a big problem.

Big Bad Government Guy: All right, we're going to have to completely obliterate EVERYTHING in a three block radius. Find locations for the bombs and bury it all. Then make up a fake story about an earthquake. We can contain the outbreak this time IF we act quickly enough. LET'S MOVE!

Government Agent: Everything we've just talked about has been recorded onto THIS tape. I'm going to leave it alone here for a few minutes, then come back later and have it encypted and locked away so nobody ever hears what was said in this meeting.

Government Agent: Yes. Good idea.

[The Nazi zombie breaks free.]

Government Guard: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Government Guard: IT'S BROKEN FREE!!!

Nazi Zombie: [Speaking German]

Government Guard: AHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!

[After the zombie eats government guards, you enter into battle with him.]

Butters: Y-You're sure about this? Aw, I wanted to show mercy!

[You start exploring the military base.]

Butters: Man, this secret government base room sure is boring. You'd think that a secret government base would have more cool stuff in it. I-I think those guys are now in town.

[You fight Nazi zombies.]

Butters: We're gonna send you straight to heck!

Butters: That was close! I hope we didn't hurt you too bad.

[You go to the police.]

Nazi Zombie Bounty

Sergeant Yates: Look, I got Nazi zombies to deal with, most of my men are dead, and the mayor's breathing down my neck. Whatever you want, it'll have to wait. Hey, wait. You look pretty tough. How would you like to see what it's like to be a real police officer, huh? Kill some bad guys? Okay, kid. All you gotta do is kill a bunch of Nazi zombies and bring me the rings off their fat, German, sausage fingers. You get enough rings, I'll see about getting you an honorary job on the force.

[On the roof of the police station you find Santa Claus working at the computer.]

Santa: Ho ho ho! Well looks like you caught Santa checking the police database to see who's been naughty. You wouldn't fell on Santa would you?

[You go to the prison cells.]

Romper Stomper: Hey, kid. Find the key and bust me out of here. Thanks. Now finally I can go see a Disneyland that hasn't been snuck into prison in some kid's asshole.

Meth Head: You don't talk, huh? Me neither. That's why they won't let me out.

Officer Foley: Come on a quieter day, I'll take you on a ridealong. I'll be way more careful than I was with the last kid.

[Near the church you find ManBearPig… of course it's Al Gore in cheap costume.]

Butters: Well... here we go again. Justice be done! Eye for an eye! By the hammer of Butters! That was the most perfect throw I've ever seen!

Al Gore: Gwahh!

Butters: To battle! I'm rubber, you're glue. I shall smite thee!

Al Gore: Raaaarrr! Gwaaaah! Gwahh!

Butters: No, no, no, no, no! Oh boy! Oh boy! Hey!

[You defeat the most dangerous and cringey creature in South Park! You return to community center and give Randy the tape you found in the military base.]

Randy Marsh: What's this? It's a recording! There's data on here…

Mrs. Broflovski: Did they say anything?!

Principal Victoria: What kind of Taco Bell is it going to be?!

Mr. Makey: When are they going to be finished building it?!

Randy Marsh: Shh shhhh!

Big Bad Government Guy: All right, we're going to have to completely obliterate EVERYTHING in a three block radius.

Mr. Garrison: What?!

Big Bad Government Guy: Set charges underground to blow up the area and bury it all. Then make a fake story about an earthquake.

Principal Victoria: They're gonna... just blow up three blocks?

Randy Marsh: Sons of bitches. YOU SONS OF BITCHES!

Mr. Garrison: What gives them the right?

Randy Marsh: I KNEW there was more to this. It's not a simple Taco Bell we're dealing with... It's the most massive Taco Bell EVER BUILT. You see, ever since the whole Doritos Locos Tacos thing, Taco Bell thinks they can do whatever they want.

Principal Victoria: Well, not here. NOT IN OUR TOWN!

Randy Marsh: You've done well, New Kid. We're not going to let Taco Bell win. I'll take that picture you wanted now of you with the PTA. Nice. I'll send it to you.

[PTA Problems quest completed. You return to the Goth Kids and show them the photo.]

Pete: Whoa, he did it.

Henrietta Biggle: Nice.

Michael: Yeah, but he's still not GOTH. He'll have to pass the final test. You may LOOK goth, Frodo, but can you DANCE goth?

[You dance in Dance Dance Revolution style!]

Michael: Less enthusiasm.

Firkle: Totally fucking bullshit.

Henrietta Biggle: That's NOT how you drink coffee.

Pete: You call that smoking?! GOD! I'm feeling the rage…

Michael: I like what you did with your coffee there…

Henrietta Biggle: Whoa. Apathy combo.

Pete: What'd ya think?

All: He's pretty goth - he's pretty goth, right?

Firkle: I felt his pain.

Pete: All right, New Kid, you have officially proven yourself.

Michael: Yeah. Just tell us where you need us and we'll be there.

[Nonconformist quest completed. Recruit the Goth Kids quest completed. You return to Kupa Keep.]

Cartman: Ah! You have returned! Come, Sir Douchebag, it is time to summon our forces! Simply call them here and your dedication to Kupa Keep will be complete!

[You climb to the top of the cardboard tower and use your phone to call the allies!]

Cartman: Everyone gather around! While the rest of you have been picking your respective arses, Sir Douchebag has gone out and brought help to our kingdom. Sir Douchebag, it is time to give you a title WORTHY of your deeds. By the power of Mandaloth, third-born of the Redguard, and by the glory of Christ, I hereby annoint thee COMMANDER DOUCHEBAG! With all the rights and privileges accompanied therein!

Butters: Eric! ERRRIC!!! We know where the elves are hiding the stick!

Cartman: What?! REALLY?!

Butters: We just intercepted their messages on Twitter!

Cartman: YOU MEAN YOU SHOT DOWN THEIR MESSAGE RAVEN.

Butters: R-right - w-we shot down their raven a-and the evil Elf King ha has hidden the Stick inside his desk at school!!!

Cartman: Of COURSE! Kyle hid it in his desk! CITIZENS OF KUPA KEEP! WE KNOW WHERE THE ELVES ARE HIDING THE STICK! I TOLD YOU THEY WERE CHEATING! NOW WE SHALL MARCH ON THE SCHOOL AND MAKE THE HALLWAYS DRIP WITH ELVEN BLOOD!

All: HUZZZAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

Attack the School

[The tension of a future attack on the school rises in the air. Cartman's army stands at it's doorstep.]

Cartman: DEFENDERS OF FREEDOM!!! I THANK YOU FOR YOUR COURAGE, AND YOUR AUDACITY IS JOINING OUR FIGHT!!! Tonight we are no longer the humans or the goths. Tonight we UNITE AS ONE!

Michael: I feel like such a homo sapien right now.

Elf: THE HUMANS ARE HEEEEERE!!!!

Cartman: Ooh, they blew their horn! Blow ours, Butters! GUYS! FLANK LEFT! GOTH KIDS PREPARE TO ATTACK FROM BEHIND! They've barricaded the entrance. The elves are up to their old Jew tricks again. Find another way in. Take out the barricade from behind.

Pete: [groans in pain] Ow! I hurt my fucking ankle! Oh man, it hurts like shit…

Butters: Yes, sir! There's a buddy…

Pete: Hey. I'm healed! Except on the inside. We locked it so nobody else could get in. Here.

Kyle (via Loudspeaker): New Kid, if you're in the building... You're fighting for a tyrant, but I know there's good in you. Stop fighting for your evil lord! Free yourself from his control!

Butters: Jeez, it's a mess in here... Those elves went crazy. Aw. I miss his chocolate salty balls.

[You go to the school kitchen.]

Tweek: Don't go in there, man! We got in through the back. They just mowed us down. Like DOGS, man! All my friends are dead! Oh Jesus!

Elf: Boiling oil in your face!

Elf: Where do you think you're going?

Elf: I killed your friends!

Elf: Shit, we lost pressure on the hose!

Butters: Yeah, you fried that motherfucker!

Elf: Don't kill me, dude.

Butters: Yeah, nice!

Elf: You are fucking dead!

Elf: SPELL CUPPER!!!

Butters: Wow, you're the greatest natural spell cupper I've ever seen!

Elf: Quit it!

Butters: Aw, SHIT.

Elf: Oh, shut down.

Elf: Screw this!

Butters: That wasn't so bad.

Elf: Stop it!

Elf: That didn't count!

Elf: Take this!

Butters: Hey, I blocked it!

Butters: Oh boy!

Butters: Now magic will work!

KKK Kid: Ow, Jeez!

KKK Kid: You'll pay for that!

Butters: Maybe he wants to be friends! I've killed way bigger guys than you. Well, the New Kid has. Take that! I'm a lot more experienced now! You got him!

Kyle: (via Loudspeaker) These are the terms of your surrender. One. You will be the elves' personal slave for…

Stan: (via Loudspeaker) A month.

Kyle: One month! Two. You agree that the elves are masters of the Stick for all time! Three. You-

Stan: (via Loudspeaker) Hey hand me the mic a sec. Three. The so-called Grand Wizard has to jump up and down continuously for three straight days. If he stops early, he has to start over.

Kyle: [laughs]

[You go downstairs to the basement.]

Cartman: STAY BACK YOU GUYS! SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THE HALLWAY MONITORS!

Ginger Boy: Help... please…

Cartman: Don't touch him! He's ginger!

Ginger Boy: We came to school the morning after the earthquake to report for duty. (coughs) We didn't know school had been canceled. We heard a sound from down here, found this green goo. It was everywhere. It w changed the other hallway monitors.

Cartman: Serves you right for being a patsy ass hallway monitor in the first place.

Ginger Boy: Something in the goo... it... IT.... [Speaking German]

Cartman: AHGHGGH! Somehow that green goo makes ginger hallway monitors even lamer!

[You forced to fight the Nazi zombie ginger hall monitor.]

Butters: You're straight trippin', son. That was close! Keep tryin'! That wasn't so bad. Take that! That was pretty good! Dude, what happened to these guys?

[You hear some creepy voice behind the wall.]

Nazi Zombie: EERRGGHH! SCHNELL!!!

Butters: I-It's probably just a lost German exchange student. Wow, look at all this green goo. What the hell is that stuff? Oh shit! Hey, bad guy! Whoopie! Son of a biscuit! That stuff looks like boogers.

[You have to fight Mutant Bacteria.]

Butters: Aw, SHIT. I shall smite thee! Take that! That was close! Keep tryin'! Leave us alone! No, no, no, no, no!

[The bacteria duplicated itself. You call Mr. Kim.]

Mr. Kim: I'm gonna do my war dance now!

[He kill all the bacteria.]

Kyle: (via Loudspeaker) New Kid, you don't want to be on the wrong side of this when Wizard Fatass's army fails. Think about what you're doing!

You go to the main hall where the all-round defense has already been organized. The passage of the stairs is littered with all kinds of debris.

Stan: We're breached! Battle stations! Hey Douchebag! Let's see how you like some fleming dog shit!

Butters: Look out! Damnit, Stan! You dirty elf.

Stan: There he is! I'm zeroed in!

Butters: Suck it, Stan!

Stan: Fire in the hole!

Butters: Why you shit-slinging asshole, Stan!

Butters: Damnit, Stan! You dirty elf!

Stan: Son of a…

Butters: Oh Christ, what a pickle!

Elf: AHHHH ah AHHHH!

Elf: [Vomits]

Butters: I'm rubber, you're glue. Keep tryin'!

Elf: [Vomits]

Elf: AHHHH ah AHHHH!

Elf: [Vomits]

Elf: EW! [Coughs]

Elf: I'm gonna mess you up, dude.

Butters: Whew!

Butters: By the hammer of Butters! I'm sorry.

Butters: You gave it your best shot, and that's all Jesus asks of you.

Stan: This isn't over!

[He retreats.]

Cartman: Good work! Douchebag, man the catapult and let our guys through the front door. Everyone, fall in!

Butters: TIMMMBERRR!

Cartman: Use your magic to open the front door!

[You set fire to the trash and fart on it to detonate it. The passage is cleared.]

Cartman: That's it! Hurry, open the door! Before they know what's happened!

Token: We're gonna win. I can feel it.

Scott Malkinson: Those elf kids never knew what hit 'em!

Craig: Don't underestimate Kyle. He's killed me a bunch of times.

[You enter the main school building and meet Stan. He deftly twirls a huge sword.]

Stan: This ends here, New Kid. Let's see you handle both of us. (he whistles for his dog) Got 'em!

Butters: [Cries]

Stan: Oh, no. No! No! No! Got 'em! Stop! AHHHH! Dude! AH!

Butters: You're straight trippin', son.

Stan: [panicked yell] Goddamn it!

Butters: Another victory for the good guys!

[Stan defeated!]

Butters: So much for the legendary Stan Marshwalker.

Elf: FREEDOMMM!!!

Tweek: Oh god!

Butters: We gotta help him, New Kid! Hang on, Tweek! I-I hope you fellas don't get angry, but I have to smite you.

Elf: AHHHH ah AHHHH!

Butters: Let's see how you like dealing with me! [Laughs]

Elf: [Vomits]

Elf: AHHHH ah AHHHH!

Butters: What was THAT for?

Butters: That wasn't so bad.

Elf: [Vomits]

Elf: Ow, Jeez!

Butters: Oh boy! Oh boy!

[You save Tweek.]

Kyle: (via Loudspeaker) Last chance, New Kid. He's nothing without you. Walk away from this.

Elf: Quit it!

Bill: [giggles] That's gay.

Butters: Please don't ice me, homie.

Elf: AHHHH ah AHHHH!

Butters: You're straight trippin', son.

Elf: [Vomits]

Elf: AHHHH ah AHHHH!

Butters: Maybe now you'll turn your life around.

Kyle: (via Loudspeaker) Seriously, Douchebag, you're breaking my balls here.

[You go to the toilet and shit in the urinal.]

Butters: If it splashes, it means you get a free wish.

Cartman: This is it! You have the honor of leading the final assault, Commander.

Butters: Oh, hey! It's Lemmiwinks!
[Squeaks]

Cartman: Douchebag, what the hell are you doing?

Cartman: Back away from the desk, Jew King!

Kyle: The Stick doesn't belong with a fat, RACIST, LIAR!

Cartman: All right, Kyle, you fuckin' asked for it. Go ahead and kick his ass, Douchebag.

Kyle: New Kid, Cartman is USING YOU can't you see it?! He's a manipulator!

Cartman: YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS CUZ THE NEW KID PICKED ME AS A FRIEND OVER YOU, KYLE!

Kyle: You've got one last chance, New Kid. Turn around and fight Cartman instead. Do the right thing.

Cartman: Don't let him Jew Wash your brain, New Kid!

Kyle: Attack him! NOW!

Cartman: MAKE HIM SHUT UP!

Kyle: It's not me you should be fighting, it's him. So pick a side.

[You hit Cartman.]

Cartman: Oh you mother fucker! I KNEW you were a fucking douchebag!

[You have to fight the Wizard King himself. He had the most HP, and the fattiest ass on the school.]

Cartman: I thought what we had together was real, Douchebag! Ahh! Ah! Hey, no fair! [panicked yell] Ahh! Ah! Take that, you little bitch! Oh I'll get you back. Ahh! Goddammit! Ow, ow! Ahh! You think this is funny, you son of a bitch?! Oh, it's on, bitch! There's only one Grand Wizard of the KKK... HNNNGHGHGHHH!!!!

[There is a confrontation of fiery farting.The tension burns, but you still manage to blow Cartman away with your fart.]

Cartman: Weeeeeaaaaakkkkk…

Kyle: The evil wizard has been defeated! Great job, New Kid. Goth kids! Take the Stick from inside his desk! VICTORY IS OURS!

Pete: Key wait a minute... our desks don't have insides.

Kyle: What?

Michel: Desks at this school just have tabletops.

Kyle: But... T-Twitter said that…

Henrietta Biggle: Look over here! This desk has writing on it!

Pete: "Check my locker."

Kyle: Who's desk is that?

Cartman: That's... that's CLYDE'S desk.

They find a laptop in the locker.

Clyde: (on video) Greetings humans and drow elves of Zaron!

Stan: Clyde!

Cartman: HE took the Stick!

Clyde: (on video) While you have all been busy fighting amongst yourselves, I have built a kingdom beyond your comprehension! I prayed for a way to destroy you all and the solution came crashing down from the heavens!

Kyle: Oh no it's more of that green stuff!

Clyde: With what I have found, I shall raise an ARMY OF THE DEAD!

Feral Cat: Meeowww... Reeooowww... [Speaks German]

Clyde: I SHALL RAISE AN ENTIRE ARMY OF DARKNESS AND KILL THE EARTH!!!!

Stan: Clyde... but why?

Cartman: I banished him to be lost in space and time - now he's all pissed off.

Clyde: So you see, FOOLS, I control the Stick AND the future of the Earth.

Clyde's Dad: Clyde do you want a sandwich?

Clyde: Not right now Dad I'm making a ruler of darkness video. Whoever controls the stick controls the universe - and my first deed is that hereby DENOUNCE the human and the elf kingdoms! And strip BOTH kings of all their power! HA HA HA HAHA HAAHAHAAAAAAAA!

Cartman: Mother Fucker!!!

[The kids runs to Clyde's house.]

Clyde's Dad: Oh hello boys!

Cartman: CAN WE SPEAK TO CLYDE, PLEASE?!

Clyde's Dad: Oh, Clyde's out playing in the backyard with his little friends.

Clyde: COME AND GET IT LOSERS!!!!! HA HA AHA AAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Cartman: YOU CAN'T DO THAT, CLYDE! YOU'RE LOST IN TIME AND SPACE!

Clyde: No I'm not!

Cartman: YEAH YOU ARE, ASSHOLE!

Clyde: Army of Darkness! Defend the fortress!

Cartman: Craig..? CRAIG YOU'RE ON MY SIDE!!!

Craig: You don't have authority anymore, the keeper of the Stick said so.

Kyle: This can't be happening.

Cartman: GOD DAMMIT I HAVE FUCKING AUTHORITAY!

Clyde: Sorry warriors and wizards, I'd love to invite you in to my fortress of darkness but I'm afraid you're TOO LATE!

Stan: Too late? What'dya mean we're TOO LATE?

Mr. Stotch: THERE you are Butters! Do you know what time it is mister?! It is WAY PAST YOUR BEDTIME!

Cartman: Oh shit it's past our bedtime?!

Kyle: Dude I'm gonna GET IT!

Clyde: HA HAAAA HAAA!! HAAA HAAA AHAAAA!!!

Clyde's Dad: Clyde - it's past your bedtime!

Clyde: HA HA! 'KAY COMING, DAD! HA HA HA HAAAA!

[Attack the School quest completed. You return home.]

Go Back Home

Mom: Well hello, hello!

Dad: You missed the news! Looks like we’re gonna have the country’s LARGEST TACO BELL in our new town!

Mom: Mommy and Daddy spied on your Facebook page and saw that you’re making lots of friends!

Dad: Why don’t you tell us about them? …No?

Mom: Okay. well it’s late sweetie, head on up to bed and I’ll be there to tuck you in.

Dad: Your mother said to get in bed. Now do it before you get grounded!

[You go up to your room and go to bed.]

Mom: Good night, my little gumdrop. Hope you’re enjoying all the peace and quiet in our new home as much as we are…

[She turns off the light and leaves the room. You fall asleep when suddenly… you hear a song. Some gnomes sing and steal your panties.]

Underpants Gnome: Time to go to work! Work all night! Search for underpants HEY! We won’t stop until we have underpants! Yum tum tummy tum tayyyy!

Underpants Gnome: OH SHIT HE’S AWAKE!

Underpants Gnome: What?!

Underpants Gnome. This kid is AWAKE! What the fuck do we do?!

Underpants Gnome: Oh fuck!

Underpants Gnome: I guess we gotta kill him!

You have to enter into an unequal battle with the gnomes.

Underpants Gnome: I’m gonna tear your fucking balls off.

Underpants Gnome: Holy shit, run!

Underpants Gnome: Shit, he’s too big! We can’t beat him!

Underpants Gnome: Well, if you can’t beat ’em, SHRINK ’EM! Go ahead, warlock!

[A half-naked gnome comes up to you and throws magic dust in your face, because of which you become the same size as the gnomes. The fight continues.]

Underpants Gnome: Come at me, bro.

Underpants Gnome: Suck on that!

Underpants Gnome: Magic, bitch!

Underpants Gnome: Fucking cocksucker motherfucker!

Underpants Gnome: No way!

Underpants Gnome: You pigfucker!

Underpants Gnome: Holy shit, run!

[The gnomes run into the mouse hole.]

Defeat the Underpants Gnomes

[You set out bravely in pursuit of the gnomes. Reaching the ventilation grill of your parents’ room, you eavesdrop on their conversation.]

Mom: I just sometimes feel like we should tell him the truth.

Dad: Why? So he can relive it all in his head? It’s better that he can’t remember!

Mom: But, if he really has this… ’gift’ h-he’s going to discover it again on his own anyway.

Dad: And then they’ll try and use him for his gift and he’ll become a weapon. They won’t stop looking for him - we have to keep everything secret, even from him.

Mom: I’m so frazzled. Will you just… make love to me?

Dad: Of course I will, darling. [kissing]

Mom: [sex noises]

[You continue on your way to the sounds coming from the room.]

Dad: Oh fuck yeah!

Mom: YEAH FUCK ME! MORE!

Dad: Oh fuck yeah!

Mom: YEAH!

Underpants Gnome: Oh shit, the kid is still following us!

Underpants Gnome: He’s not gonna stop until he finds a way to become normal size again! That means he’s coming after YOU, warlock!

Gnome Warlock: What?! Ah, FUCK!

[You are fighting with the gnomes in the background of your parents fucking each other!]

Mom: FUCK ME FUCK ME YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKER! Come on, fuck me I said! That’s all you got bitch?

Dad: Yeah, call me bitch!

Mom: I just did you dirty little bitch!

Underpants Gnome: Magic, bitch!

Dad: Yeah I’m a real dirty bitch! Wanna see me in the panties!?

Underpants Gnome: I wish I’d spent more time gathering underpants.

Underpants Gnome: You pigfucker!

Underpants Gnome: Ow!

Underpants Gnome: Suck on that!

Gnome Warlock: I’M NOT CHANGING YOU BACK! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO TO ME!!!

[He runs towards your parents…]

Gnome Warlock: You couldn’t just let it go, could you?! You couldn’t just let us take your underpants! Nooo, you had to go and start asking QUESTIONS! Well, now you shall see the true power of an underpants gnome!!!

[You are fighting standing under your mother who fucks your father.]

Gnome Warlock: Now you’ve done it, fucker. It’s time for some REAL underpants magic. Here comes some serious shrinkage. Oh shit, low bridge!

[You dodged your father’s balls in the Matrix style.]

Gnome Warlock: Jesus fuck! You pigfucker! All right! All right, you win!!! Take this! Take it! You can grow small or big whenever you feel like it! All we wanted was to collect underpants to stop the Taco Bell from releasing its toxic green goo into our underground world! You see the green goo is actually a--

[Your mother’s tit crush him. You are being crushed by your father’s balls. The next morning you wake up in your bed.]

Underpants Gnome: Hey kid! Since a lot of our best guys are dead by your hand, can you help us collect underpants? We just need a few more to hit our quota. Holy shit, you did it! This goes a long way toward making up for killing all our fucking friends.

Forging Alliances

Dad: Go play with your new friends today.

[You leave the house and immediately meet Stan.]

Stan: Hey, there’s an emergency meeting at the Elven Forest.

[Together you head to the Elven Forest.]

Kyle: Ah, Commander Douchebag has decided to bless us with his presence… Let’s get started… Humans and Elves of Zaron. A great evil has descended upon us. After researching last night, I believe we are facing a threat to our entire world. Clyde’s fortress of darkness is over four stories tall. So far, he has recruited at least fifty warriors to be on his team and he-- [Cartman laughs].

Cartman: [Laughs] Leave it to Kyle…

Kyle: You have something to say, wizard?

Cartman: Nothing. Just think it’s kind of funny how drow elves in the Middle Ages can use Powerpoint.

Kyle: You guys, this is SERIOUS. Clyde is attempting to raise an army of darkness, I believe he is messing with something he cannot control. He has recruited many of our friends and so… Our only hope is for our two factions to join forces.

Cartman: FUCK THAT. We do not team up with fucking ELVES.

Stan: You got a better idea, Wizard fat ass?!

Butters: After what you elves did to us at the Battle of Wormsly Woods?! You think wom ever trust you!

Cartman: Yeah, you-you tell ’em, Butters-

Stan: That-That was Jimmy’s fault and he apologized.

Cartman: Oh-Oh we’re apologizing now? How about we apologize for breaking the rule about using arcane fire magic?

Token: Yeah.

Chris Donnely: HEY! That was the humans rule, not ours!!!

Butters: Join forces, my paladin ass! Only good elf is a dead elf!

Jimmy: Why don’t you s-s-suck my elven d-dick, Butters?

Kyle: Enough! Whether we are human or elf isn’t going to matter ONE BIT it all of Zaron is taken over by GERMAN ZOMBIES! We SAW what that green stuff does. We BETTER figure out a way to stop Clyde or there won’t be a world to fight in.

Stan: Even If we join forces we don’t have enough warriors.

Kyle: So we recruit more factions to join us. The Pirates. The Federation. And the Girls.

Butters: THE GIRLS?

Cartman: Kyle, the girls are not gonna fuckin’ play with us.

Stan: Yeah dude, we can’t convince girls to do this.

Kyle: No, but maybe the new kid can. The new kid has a power we have yet to understand. He makes friends on Facebook faster than any we have seen.

Cartman: He is really good at getting Facebook friends, I’ll give him that.

Kyle: Find a way to get the Girls to side with us, Commander Douchebag. I’ll deal with the other factions. The rest of you return to your stations and prepare for war.

All: HUZZAAAAAH!!

[The Warriors disperse.]

Recruit the Girls

Stan: I gave Butters the best wet willie over there one time.

[You fight with the Nazi zombies near the City Hall.]

Stan: Fresh meat for my trusty wolf companion. Oh no you don’t! Kya-kya! That coulda sucked a lot worse.

[You approach the girl who helped with the doll a few days ago.]

Annie: What is this? The boys want us to play with them?! I DO owe you one… I can take you to the girls… But I don’t think they’ll be very willing to play with boys. Do you wish to speak to the girls now?

[You refuse and first go to replenish supplies, and then turn in the completed quest.]

Sergeant Yates: That’s a nice collection of Nazi rings you got there.
Sergeant Yates: Well done… Junior Detective.

[Nazi Zombie Bounty quest completed. You return to Annie and agree to her offer. She blindfolds you and brings you to the girls meeting room.]

Pose as Bebe’s Boyfriend

Wendy: The four hundred and twelfth meeting of the girls is hereby called to order. Sparkle, Sparkle.

All: Sunshine.

Lola: Sunshine sparkle, Millie Larsen has the floor.

Millie: If it pleases and sparkles, I move that we vote IMMEDIATELY on the urgent matter involving Monica Ryland.

All: Yes!/For sure!/All right!/Okay!

Annie: Excuse me, I’m sorry but I have an urgent matter that I believe needs to be addressed first.

Wendy: The chair acknowledges Annie.

Lola: Sunshine sparkle, Annie Knitts has the floor.

Annie: If it pleases and sparkles, a messenger comes with a request from the boys.

All: EWWW!/Yuck!/Gross!/Sick!

Wendy: What request do the boys ask of us?

Annie: He… doesn’t really talk.

Bebe: That’s hot.

Annie: The boys are playing some new role playing game and the New Kid here wants us to join his team.

Millie: WHAT?! We don’t have time for that! Something VERY big happened and we MUST do something!

Annie: I know, I thought maybe he could HELP.

Bebe: Oh… that’s not a bad idea. I glitter Annie’s idea.

Lola: Sunshine, sparkle. A motion has been glittered to have the new kid help with Monica Ryland.

Wendy: All right, New Kid, look there are TERRIBLE RUMORS going around town that our good friend Allie Nelson was spotted at the abortion clinic.

Allie: I have NEVER been to the abortion clinic! I’m not a whore!

Wendy. We aren’t sure, but we THINK the girl spreading rumors about Allie is Monica Ryland.

Allie: And then she has the gall to act all nice to me!

Wendy: We HAVE to know for SURE if Monica Ryland is a two faced bitch or not. SO - we are gonna send Monica a Facebook page with YOUR picture then tell her that you’re BEBE’s boyfriend from Lakewood, and you want to meet her and ask her what the best thing to get BEBE for her birthday would be, and see if Monica tries to hit on you at all because THAT way, we can see if Monica is a manipulative bitch.

Bebe: Right.

Wendy: Do this task for us, and the girls will CONSIDER your request. Sparkle!

All: Sunshine!

[You return to the City Hall.]

Annie: You’ll find Monica waiting for you at the park. All you have to do is pretend to be Bebe’s long distance boyfriend. When the job is done, come see me.

Stan: Whatever they asked you to do, remember we NEED their help.

Boy: Stay gold, New Kid.

Stan: If shit goes down, I’ll come running.

Monica: Oh hi… You must be Mike… So you wanna talk about Bebe, huh? Well, look. Bebe’s my friend. Chink she’s really great. I-I don’t know if she’s the END ALL BE ALL of girls - I mean… She’s a little two-faced if you ask me… But hey, I read a lot of your Facebook profile, and I think you’re a really interesting boy…

Bebe: Aha! We KNEW it! YOU TWO-FACED MANIPULATIVE WHORE!!!

Monica: What the heck?!

Wendy: Thank GOD we sent the New Kid to spy on you, huh girls?

Red: YEAH! NOW WE KNOW YOU’RE A TWO FACED BITCH!

Monica: What’dya mean? You guys are my best friends!

Bebe: Then why are you hitting on MY Facebook boyfriend!? We brought someone else who might be interested!

Jake: MONICA! What the fuck are you doing!?

Monica: Uh oh. Hey Jake.

Wendy: Have fun you two-faced skank!

Monica: GUYS WAIT!!! PLEASE!! COME BACK!

[The girls run away.]

Jake: What’s the big idea trying to fuck my girlfriend? Nothing to say, huh!? Well, maybe you’ll understand THIS!

[The fight begins!]

Stan: (runs in) My ranger sense saw this coming. Man, we ripped shit UP.

[You quickly deal with Monica’s boyfriend.]

Girl: Can you keep a secret? Neither can I!

[You go back to Annie.]

Annie: The girls want to thank you for your help. We can go see them again whenever you’re ready. All right, then let’s go. You know the drill.

Wendy: New Kid, we want to thank you for helping us determine whether or not Monica was a two-faced bitch. She really made us mad, BUT it turns out she couldn’t have been the one spreading rumors about Allie Nelson going to the abortion clinic.

Allie: Yeah, so we made up.

Monica: You guys are the best.

Wendy: You see the thing is, Heidi Turner was SUPPOSED to put on the Facebook page that you were Bebe’s boyfriend, BUT SHE DIDN’T.

Monica: Because Heidi Turner is a two-faced bitch who says she likes me then tries to stab me in the back!

Wendy: Right! So we need to know if Heidi Turner is the two faced bitch who’s spreading rumors about Allie bring spotted at the abortion clinic. But in order to do THAT, we need people to think you’re a girl!

Courtney: MAKE OVER!!!

All: MAAAAAKE OVERRRR!!!!!

[The girls transform you… to a girl. They drive you to the clinic.]

Wendy: All right, New Kid. Get inside the abortion clinic and find the records room. Take a picture of ALL the records for the past week and text them to us. That will help us find out who the two-faced bitch is. I’m sure you can appreciate why none of us can do this.

Bebe: If any of us are spotted in there, people might think we’re sluts like Jessica Rodriguez.

Jessie Rodriquez: Hey guys!

Kelly: Hey! Jessie!

All: HI! / HEY JESSIE! / HEY GIRL!

Jessie Rodriquez: What are you up to?

Bebe: Oh nothing, just finding out which of our friends is a two-faced BITCH!

Jessie Rodriquez: Cool! Well, see you around!

Wendy: Awesome! Skank.

Bebe: All right, now go in there and get to the records room. Find out if Jessie had an abortion.

[Pose as Bebe’s Boyfriend quest completed.]

Unplanned Parenthood

[You enter the clinic.]

Stan: Nice look, dude.

Admin: Hi, here for an abortion? I’m sorry your little friend will have to wait out here.

Stan: All you, dude. I’ll be right here.

Security: ACCESS RESTRICTED TO PHYSICIANS ONLY!

Dr. Poonlover: Hi, I’m Doctor Poonlover. Get on up in the chair and this won’t take long at all. Hey little young to be having an abortion, aren’t we? It’s okay, we have a booster seat. Alright, just sit back and relax. We’ll get that fuck trash taken right out of you. Here we go. [grunt]

[Doc is trying to suck the baby out of you with a vacuum cleaner device even if you don’t have the organs for that.]

Dr. Poonlovers: What the… wow, never seen THAT before. You burned out the vacuum! I’m gonna have to get this thing fixed. Be back in a minute.

[You change your clothes to the doctor and go to the room with the patient’s files.]

Security: Access granted. Thank you, Doctor.

[You take pictures of the files you need. The boxes nearby begin to move…]

Randy Marsh: Agh! Dammit! Oh… it’s YOU! Thank God! Something STRANGE is going on here! The PTA reviewed that tape you got us. The Taco Bell has something called a Plan B. They’ve been here looking through these records. But why would they be interested in the gynocological files of the women of South Park?

Government Agent: I’m afraid now you know too much. We have two more sking a lot of questions.

Big Bad Government Guy: Deal with them QUIETLY. We can’t let anyone find out what we were doing there.

Randy Marsh Before you kill us tell us why. Why is Taco Bell taking the records of women’s vaginas in South Park?

Government Agent: I’m picking up some hot readings on the ESRB.

Randy Marsh: Tell us! What do women’s vaginas and Doritos Locos Tacos have in common?!

Government Agent: ESRB is going crazy!

Government Agent: Oh SHIT. There’s an outbreak here! WE HAVE CONTAMINATION IN SECTOR SEVEN! ALL UNITS TO SECTOR SEVEN NOW!!!!

Government AgentA SECURE THE ENTIRE BUILDING! PUT THAT WOMAN IN RESTRAINTS!

Admin: AHGHGHH!!!

Dr. Poonlover: What’s going on?

Government Agent: Taco Bell security. Your clinic is intected with the Nazi Zombie Virus.

Dr. Poonlover: Nazi zombies?! That’s ridiculous! AND bigoted! I happen to BE German!

Government Agent: HE’S ONE OF THEM!!!

[The agents shot him.]

Admin: AHGHGHH!!!

Dr. Poonlover Tell people… what you saw here today.

[You shrink and climb into the mouse hole.]

Government Agent: Let’s go! Quarantine the place!

Government Agent: There’s something crawling under the floor, sir!

Government Agent: Right here! Kill it!

Government Agent: Where are they??

Government Agent: Take him out!

Government Agent: Do you hear anything in there?

[You exit through a broken socket in another office. In it, you find Randy in a gynecological chair dressed as a woman.]

Randy Marsh: Quick! Put on your doctor disguise again! It’s our only chance.

Randy Marsh: Shhh!

Government Agent: NOBODY MOVE!

Randy Marsh: OH! Ha ha, what’s going on? I-I’m just here for an operation… ha ha… oh, there you are, doctor! I’m ready when you are! Is this going to hurt, doctor? Tee hee.

Government Agent: There’s something fishy going on here. I think they might be Nazi zombies…

Government Agent: We’ll SEE if you’re a real doctor. Give her an abortion. Do it!

[You do as they say. Randy’s Christmas song plays in the background.]

Randy Marsh: Oh ho goodness! OWW MY BALLS!!! My mal-, my m-malls… my, my favorite shopping malls all close at five, doctor can we please get this over with quickly? Oh. That’s cold. That’s COLD! This is about as wide as I can gape doctor! Okay, okay do it. I’m ready! Oh god it’s snagged! Get it off! Get it off! Watch the balls!
Government Agent: He did it! All right, so he is a real doctor.

[The lights flicker for a second.]

Government Guard: What the hell?

Government Agent: Oh shit. CLEAR THE BUILDING! THE AREA HAS BEEN
COMPROMISED!!! GET OUT NOW!

Nurses: [Screams]

Government Agent: What the hell is that?!

Nazi Zombies [Speaking German]

Government Agent: Matthers… where did you find the alien goo?

Government Agent: Broken vials were in the trash can, sir.

Government Agent: What could have come into contact with it in the trash can of an abortion clinic?

Government Guard: Oh my God…

Unborn Nazi zombie fitus attack and kill the agents.

Government Agent: AGGGHHHGGHHGH!!!

[Butters jump down from the ventilation shaft.]

Butters: I’m here for you, buddy! (falls) God dammit. Look at that little fella!

[Nazi zombie fetus attacks you and Stan.]

Stan: This is getting out of hand. Oh no you don’t! No way, dude. You asked for it! Dude, we’re pretty badass. What’s up with those weird babies? Oh, boy… You’re done! That’s what you get!

[You are getting smaller to avoid zombies and continue your quest walking in the space between the walls…]

Government Agent: They’re everywhere! What are they?

Stan: Man, those babies are pissed off!

Government Agent: THEY’RE KILLING US!

Stan: Well it’s just fetuses, the soldiers should waste them.

Government Agent: Babies are eating my brain!

Stan: So much for that. We’re pinned down! Gotta disable that gun!

[You sneak into the next room to use pipes on the ceiling, then use your fart to destroy the turret.]

Stan: Sweet. I’m over it. Kya-kya! Oh no you don’t! No way, dude. You got a health potion on you? Enough! All right, who’s next?

Government Guard: That’s it! That’s it. The area is secure. Code Green.

[The gynecologist appears to be barely alive.]

Dr. Poonlover: It’s not secure…

Government Guard: Tell all units the outbreak has been contained.

Dr. Poonlover: It’s not contained!

Government Guard: What the hell are you talking about?!

Dr. Poonlover: It’s not contained. Y-You don’t understand… Khloe Kardashian was in here this morning. She had… the biggest abortion I’ve ever seen…

Giant Nazi zombie fetus chashes the wall and enters. He eats one of the soldiers.

Government Guard: [Screams]

[You have to fight it!!!]

Stan: Oh, boy… Go get ’em, boy! Let’s finish this. Enough! No way, dude. You’re going down! Man, we ripped shit UP.

[You kill the fetus. Unplanned Parenthood quest completed! You go to the girls.]

Officer Barbrady: Do you smell cinnamon?

Annie: The girls want to thank you for your help. We can go see them again whenever you’re ready. All right, then let’s go. You know the drill.

Wendy: New Kid, the girls are very thankful for you texting us the abortion records.

Bebe: We are one step away from finding out which girl among us is a two-faced bitch.

Wendy: Unfortunately, the records keeper at the abortion clinic is from Paris and so everything is written in French.

Millie: Whoever this two faced skank is thinks she can outsmart us!

Wendy: We want to help you and the boys play your game, but we just can’t have a two faced bitch out there on the loose. Just get these documents translated for us, and we
PROMISE we will join your army. Sparkle.

All: SUNSHINE!

[You return to the Elven Forest to ask for help.]

Kyle: What’s this? Council, gather around! This must be something the new kid needs our help with…

Stan: Cinq femmes ont subi un avortement… (Five women had an abortion…) what language is that?

Cartman: It’s some kind of strange Orcish. I’ve seen this language before. In the kingdom to the north…

Butters: Oooh, the kingdom to the north…

Stan: Whatever is written on these documents is somehow the key to us recruiting the girls to our army. Is that what you’re trying to tell us, New Kid?

Jimmy: Come on, spit it out.

Cartman: Getting that document translated isn’t going to be easy… To breach the kingdom to the north, you will have to assume another identity. Your name is no longer Commander Douchebag. It is now ’Larry Bobinski’, from Cleveland.

Kyle: The quickest way to the Kingdom to the North is through the Lost Forest. Head north, then north again. North… and then north.

Heading North

Stan: You better get a real passport photo first, or you won’t make it past Border Control.

[You go to Photo Dojo to get photos for a fake passport.]

Woman: I could swear I heard a voice coming up from the sewers. It said something like "Ho-dee how."

Cameraman: Hi, here to get your passport photo taken? Just head on into the room there and we’ll get started. Step between the lights, please. That’s great. Ok, smile! Um… do you have anything else you can wear? Could you try something else on? Uh, no… Tell you what, how about just no shirt at all let’s try that. Yeah, that’s gonna work better. Here we go! Aw! Those pants don’t work with the lighting. Could you just roll up your pants, or… just take-take the pants off, too. Okay, that’s good. Really nice. Yes, very nice. How about we lose the underwear?

[The REAL cameraman, badly beaten, stands up from behind some boxes.]

Cameraman: You sick son of a bitch! Stop him!

Fake Cameraman: You’ll never take me alive!

[The fight begins!]

Stan: My ranger sense saw this coming.

Fake Cameraman: Ah ahh AAHHHH!

Stan: Enough!

Fake Cameraman: AHHHH ah AHHHH!

Stan: Oh my God, we killed the enemy.

Cameraman: Wow! Good job, kid! You’re quite the fighter. Say "cheese!" Congrats, kid. You have your first passport.

[You go through the forest to the Canadian border.]

Guard: No. You see? No matter which way you go, I block you. What, you think we just let anybody into Canada? Ah, I see you have a passport! All right, hand it over. Papers appear to be in order. Very well, I hereby grant thee access to the great NATION OF CANADA! OPEN THE GATE!!!!!

Guard: Oh, I’ll do it. Hold on… There we go.

[You find yourself in the mysterious magic country of Canada! Much here is different from what you are used to in America. You go straight to the palace.]

Guard: ALL HAIL THE PRINCE AND PRINCESS OF CANADA!

Prince of Canada: Well, well, what have we here? A hero from the south? Not just anyone can pass the guard at the great border. You must have beaten the odds and obtained… a passport. I am the Prince of Canada and this is my lovely wife. What this? Hmmm… sorry, but I don’t know what this says. I’ve seen this language before, but I believe it is only spoken in a specific part of Canada. I suggest you travel west of here and seek out the Earl of Winnipeg. He can tell you where in Canada they speak this freakish tongue. But I warn you: the wilderness of Canada is filled with Dire Wolves! You know what Dire Wolves are, right? They’re like wolves… but they’re DIRE.

[Heading North quest completed!]

Gift Shop Owner: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! Here are your photos with the Prince and Princess. Would you like two 8x10s or six 5x7’s? All right, there you go. You can exit right through there.

O Canada

Canadian Citizen: If you need to get from Ottawa to Winnipeg just follow the road.

Canadian Citizen: You will find the Earl of Winnipeg in Winnipeg.

Canadian Citizen: I’ve never been to Banff, have you? It’s so very far away.

Stan: Uh excuse me, is this really a good idea?

Stan: Total pwnage.

Guard: Welcome to Winnipeg. This is a conservative township, so mind your P’s and Q’s. Do whatever you want with your T’s and M’s, however.

Earl of Winnipeg: Ah yes. This writing is definitely Canadian. But why should I help a foreigner when Winnipeg is completely overrun with Dire bears?! Tell you what kill off all the dire bears in the north part of town and I’ll help you however I can!

Guard: This poor citizen was killed by a Dire Bear. You know what a Dire Bear is right? It’s like a bear - but it’s DIRE.

Guard: Glad you gotta fight Dire Bears and not me.

Stan: This is not what we need right now. Let’s finish this. AHHHH! AH! You hit like my grandpa. [panicked yell] Total pwnage.

Earl of Winnipeg: By jove you’ve done it! Look at all these Dire Bear pelts! Now I can finally make a Dire Robe. Alright, give me that document. Hmmm… yes. This is actually written in the language of EASTERN CANADIAN. The Minister of Montreal can translate it. But I’m afraid the prince has imprisoned the Minister of Montreal in the caverns of Quebec. I will speak with the prince. Return to him and he should let you speak with the minister. Boy, oh boy. I will have the most dire robe in all of Canada…

Prince of Canada: There you are! I understand you wish me to release the Minister of Montreal. I’d like to help you, but I think this might be another ploy by the Bishop of Banff to have Montreal allowed back into the kingdom!

Guard: Some Canadians think our nation should be united again, my Lord.

Prince of Canada: (slaps him) SHUT UP! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? Listen, It’s all because the Bishop of Banff is a liberal. He does these things just to make life difficult FOR ME. I ask you to perform another noble quest: go to Banff and kill the Bishop.

Princess of Canada: (shocked) Kill the Bishop of Banff!

Prince of Canada: Shhh. You. Shhhh. Kill the Bishop of Banff for me, and bring me his balls as proof. Do this and I shall allow you into the catacombs of Quebec. Make haste!

Canadian Citizen: Ottawa is the capital of ALL Canada!

Canadian Citizen: You’re not from around here, are you?

Stan: This is not what we need right now. Kya-kya! No way, dude. Dude I’m just happy this whole stupid thing is over with. This is not what we need right now. Taste steel! That’s what you get! This is not what we need right now. Dude, we’re pretty badass. Oh, you got Dire AIDS. Weak.

Nurse: I see you have Dire AIDS. I can heal it for 5. Canadian dollars. You are now cured of Dire AIDS. You still have AIDS, but it is no longer Dire. It’s like Magic Johnson AIDS.

[You arrive in Banff and attack the bishop.]

Bishop of Banff: WHAT’S THIS?! WHO THE FUCK HITS A BISHOP?!

[The fight begins!]

Bishop of Banff: Assassin! Love thy neighbor. I shall turn the other cheek. He knows not what he does. Remember the golden rule!

Stan: You’re done!

Bishop of Banff: He knows not what he does.

Stan: Man, we ripped shit UP.

[You win!]

Bishop of Banff: Okay! Okay WHOA WHOA WHOA! Please, you don’t have to kill me! I’ll go away the Prince will never know I’m alive. PLEASE! Take these Dire Pig testicles, and tell the Prince they’re mine. Bless you, my son! It’ll be our secret. Wow, good thing I saved these.

Stan: Wow, those ARE some dire balls. I’m gonna let you keep holding those.

Fisherman: Have you been to Newfoundland? You won’t find better sodomy in all of Canada.

Canadian Citizens Ottawa is the capital of ALL Canada.

Prince of Canada: Is he dead? Did you kill him? Yay! The Bishop’s balls! Now religion won’t interfere with government! How can we ever repay you?

Princess of Canada: You said you would free the Minister of Montreal, my Lord.

Prince of Canada: Sorry. No can do. With both the Bishop and the Minister taken care of, my throne is secure.

Princess of Canada. But, my liege, we made a promise.

Prince of Canada: SHHH. You. SHHHHH.

Princess of Canada: Quickly. You must speak with the Duke of Vancouver. He can help you get into the Catacombs of Quebec. Give the Duke this. Hurry now!

Guard: The princess queefed twice when she met you. That is a great honor.

Canadian Citizen; Ottawa is the capital of ALL Canada!

Canadian Citizen: Best stay here in town - those dire wolves can rip your anus apart in mere seconds!

Duke of Vancouver: Yes, yes, know. But Ottawa is clear on the other side of Canada! How are we supposed to get there?! A letter from the princess? What the why according to this, the Prince had something to do with the Bishop’s murder and has imprisoned the Minister unjustly! Young man, if you wish to brave the Catacombs of Quebec, you would have to speak with the monks who live to the southeast of town. Only they could train you in such sorcery.

[You go to the house of the most famous Canadians - Terrance and Phillip!]

Terrance: Who are you?

Phillip: Perhaps he is the American everyone is talking aboot, Terrance.

Terrance: Nah can’t be. He can’t be a master of spellcraft, he doesn’t even know-- (you fart) Nah can’t be. He can magic…

Phillip: HO! He knows Dragonshout!

Terrance: Any magician’s apprentice can Dragonshout. It’s not like he farted into his hand and hit you in the face with it, Phillip. My god! He can cup a spell!

Phillip: If he’s really good, how come he can’t sneak a fart behind your face? The Sneaky Squeaker! Very impressive. He is worthy of our training after all.

Terrance: Yes. Prepare thyself, child. It is time for you to learn some TRUE magic…

[You teleport into the Matrix style white room. Terrance and Phillip dressed as Neo and Morpheus respectively.]

Phillip: Your magic is impressive, young American. Not since Eric Von Thunderpants of Nova Scotia have we seen such prowess.

Terrance: But now, you must learn to control your anus muscles in just the right way to change a spell’s FREQUENCY.

Philip: Some objects seem too large to be damaged by magic. But now, I will break through it with… NAGASAKI!!!

[He farts so hard he destroys a wall.]

Philip: Here, watch again!

Terrance: Now you try. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!

[You succeed.]

Terrance: That’s it! Now let us see how Nagasaki works in battle!

Philip; These three pedophiles from Alberta will have their way with you unless you damage them all with one move.

Terrance: Nagasaki!

[You fart the pedophiles away.]

Philip: That’s it! You HAVE THE POWER!

[You return to the real world… I’m sorry to Canada.]

Terrance: You did it! Now go out and use your anus for the good of mankind.

Phillip: And don’t ever, ever fart on a man’s balls.

[You go to the cave to free the Minister.]

Minister of Montreal: Oui oui oui! Cela est mauvais! Allo? Au secours! (Yes Yes Yes! This is bad! Hi? Help!)

[You destroy the stone wall with your fart powers.]

Minister of Montreal: Un pet de joyeux. (A joyful fart.)

[Now it’s time to defeat the wolves that live in the cave.]

Stan: Sweet. Come on, let’s do this! Let’s finish this. Oh no you don’t! You hit like my grandpa. No way, dude. I expected better.

[You free the minister!]

Minister of Montreal: JE SUIS LIBRE! JE SUIS LIBRE! Oh, ne vous besoin de quelque chose traduit? (I’M FREE! I’M FREE! Oh, don’t you need something translated?) Ok, cela se traduit par cela… cela se traduit par cela… Voila! Bon Jour! Merci beaucoup! (Ok, that translates to that… that translates to that… Voila! You’re welcome! Thank you so much!)

[O Canada quest completed! You return to America and go to the girls.]

Annie: Ready to go back? The girls are ready to see you.

Wendy: See? Right here it says that five women were at the clinic that day.

Girl: And right there it says Nancy Turner 3:30 pm!

Red: That’s HEIDI’S MOM! SO HEIDI TURNER was the two-faced bitch!

Wendy: The evidence is irrefutable. Thanks, New Kid, we now know it was Heidi Turner all along who was spreading the rumors.

Lola: FREAKIN’ WHORE!

Emily: TWO-FACED BUTT RAG!

Bebe: FUCK HEIDI TURNER IN HER FUCKING TWO-FACED ASS!

Wendy: But Heidi is really sorry, so we’re deciding to forgive her.

Heidi Turner: I love you guys so much!

Bebe: We love you too, Heidi!

Wendy: You have served the girls well, New Kid, and so you have our services. Tell the boys we will play their game. SPARKLE!

All: SUNSHINE!

[Recruit the Girls quest completed! Now is the time to return to the Elven Forest. Passing the priest, you deliberately farts.]

Priest Maxi: If the Lord didn’t wish us to fart, he wouldn’t have given us anuses.

Stan: Butters got a horrible snuggie over there.

[You fart a big one in the community center.]

Mr. Garrison: Pretty gross, New Kid.

Principal Victoria: That’s something I’d expect from the kindergartners, young man.

Randy Marsh: I like it.

Mr. Mackey: You think that’s funny?

Mrs. Broflovski: Young man, you have to find better ways to express yourself.

[After that you visit Jimbo’s store.]

Jimbo: What can I do for you, New Kid? Aw, I hate spiders. Sure hope you blasted the heck out of it! Man, you showed that bacteria what a real hunter looks like! l can’t wait to see what you kill next!

[Big Game Huntin’ with Jimbo quest completed.]

Kyle: Everyone listen up! The girls have agreed to fight by our side!

All: HUZZAAAAAH!

Stan: The Pirates and the Federation factions are standing by to fight as well, my Lord!

Cartman: Then the time for talk is over! Let us all make haste to CLYDE’S HOUSE!

[The united army approaches the evil castle… on Clyde’s backyard.]

Kyle: Today, we are not elves and humans! Today… We FIGHT AS ONE!

Cartman: What we do here now… will be written and sung about on YouTube for days to come!

Army: KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Cartman: Let us besiege the army of darkness with the courage of dragons! Let us delve their dungeon with swords and sorcery!

Kevin: Let us charge our shields and use photon torpedos to vaporize the Klingons!

Cartman: Kevin… GOD DAMMIT. EVERY. FUCKING, TIME, Kevin. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT SERIOUSLY.

Kevin: I’m sorry.

Cartman: ARMIES OF JUSTICE! PREPARE! Ready?!! AND… LET’S BEAT UP CLYDE!!!

Beat up Clyde!

[Over 50 children rush to Clide’s house. Clide’s after is a bit shocked! Forging Alliances quest completed!]

Butters: Lets’ get ‘em!

Wendy: Ow! I’m hit! They-they tore my costume. I worked really hard on it! YOU SONS OF BITCHES ARE GONNA GET WHAT’S COMING TO YOU!!

Annie: Is there anything you can do?

Clyde Kid: You’re no match for our dark powers!

[You crush the gates with your mighty fart!]

Butters: That did it! You draw mud on that one?

Wendy: CHARGE!!!

[You team up with Carman The Grand Wizard and The King for this mission.]

Stan: You take the tower from the inside! Me and the pirates are gonna scale it from the outside!

[In order to attack unnoticed, you shrink and go through the mouse holes.]

Underpants Gnome: Ow! Fuck me that hurts! Ow!

Underpants Gnome: Fuck yeah! Fucking die, rat!!!

Underpants Gnome: Let’s go, pussy!

Underpants Gnome: That’s for my brothers you furry fuck!

Cartman: Oh HELL no. Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah, nyeah, you guys lose!

Underpants Gnome: Ow!

Clyde Kid: Hey! How’d you get in here!?

Clyde Kid: Son of a--

Cartman: You want to throw down, dawg? I’ll throw down.

Clyde Kid: No way dude!

Clyde Kid: Ah ahh AAHHHH!

Clyde Kid: Fool…

Clyde Kid: AHHHH ah AHHHH!

Cartman: All in a days work.

Cyclops: Oh, you think you’re hot shite. We are the Dark Lord’s mighty cyclops!

Cartman: Come at me, brah. Never send a Jew elf to do a Wizard King’s job. Dick! Fuck! I hate you! Dum-Dum! Ginger! Elephant-walking asshole tickler! Not very cool! Foreskin! Alcoholic! Bull crap! Weak. Quit it! Fuck you, cyclops! Bad kitty! That’s a bad kitty! Uh uh. You got pwned! What?! Cock! Spastic colon! Lame-o! Shit-sculpting orgy captain! Fucking son of a bitch!.Not very cool! Fuck! Asshole! Weirdo! Buttplug! I hate you! You want some of this? Psh, whatever, dude. Going down, brah! Hey, no fair! All in a days work.

Stan: We’ve got your back! Pirates, help the Commander!

Pirate: Avast, Douchebag!

Pirate: Arrr!

[They are going down a ladder for you.]

Cyclops: Get that twerp!

Stan: All right, here’s the plan. Attack each tower and raise the gate so we can get into Clyde’s lair! Maplebeard! Clear the path!

Ike: Yaaaay!

He wants to light the rocket.

Cyclops: FUCK. YOU.

[Cyclops beats him up. Ike is crying.]

Cyclops. Get over here.

Pirate: Ow!

Cartman: Jesus, you smell. Those ones hurt, huh?

[You enter Clyde’s lair.]

Stan: Come on! Now’s our only chance!

Craig: Ha ha! You’re trapped! I am a level 14 thief AND the Dark Lord’s chief assassin and you will all perish here and now!

Stan: Douchebag, I’m stuck! Can you get me in?

Craig: My three Nazi Cow minions will take care of you! Whatever.

Stan: Sweet. THIS should even things up.

Craig: Hey, no fair guys! I can’t let this thing go. Just hold on till I’m done. You guys are dicks. I should’ve started this sooner.

Stan: You’re gonna get it, Craig! Fucking traitor!

Craig: Gross. Now, let’s see how you fare against the Dark Lord’s chief assassin and a COW!

[The fight begins!]

Cartman: Respect my kingly authoritah. Vagina. Nutsack! Christian! Dum-Dum! Sandy vagina. Penises! Dildo! Dickface! Alcoholic! Buttplug! You got pwned!

Craig: Why fight one Craig when you can fight five? I’m immune to splash damage. Clyde said. Ow!

Cartman: You fucking suck!

Craig: C’mon.

Cartman: Veiny boner! Bastard! Lame-o! Weiner! Not very cool! Shriveled sack! Greasy pubes! Shit-faced cockmaster! Ass greasing fist jockey! Shit!

Craig: Ow! Quit it! Jerk.

Clyde Kid: AHHHH ah AHHHH!

Craig: Ow! Stop!

Clyde Kid: Ow!

Cartman: Lightning bolt! You want some of this?

Craig: C’mon.

Cartman: What?! Magic missile!

Clyde Kid: Fuck!

Clyde Kid: Fool…

Craig: No more!

Cartman: Shut up! Ginger! Piece of crap! Cock! Weirdo! Dick! Bull crap! Skank! Black! Whore!

Craig: Jerk.

Cartman: Awesome! You’re our prisoner now. Craig. You’re gonna be somebody’s bitch for quite awhile…

Stan: Here, climb on up. Come on, we’re almost to Clyde! Dad? What the hell are you doing here?

Randy Marsh: (to you) Oh! It’s my favorite kid! Listen! I found out what they were doing at the women’s clinic! They were looking for a candidate to put a snuke into! They’re going to nuke ALL OF SOUTH PARK!

Kyle: A snuke?

Randy Marsh: You boys don’t understand. They’ve put the snuke HERE.

Kyle: Who did?

Randy Marsh: Whoever these people are CLAIMING to be Taco Bell! We should have known. We should have known Taco Bell is far too compassionate and caring to be so secretive. The quality of their character, like the quality of their food, should have never come into question.

Stan: Dad, where is the woman with the snuke?!

Randy Marsh: They didn’t put it in a woman…

Mr. Slave: I remember that there were these big government guys, and they wrestled me to the floor at my house! And then I remember thinking, well this is fun, but wait - Is that a thermonuclear device? I had some drinks, so putting a thermonuclear device up my ass wasn’t COMPLETELY out of the question… Oh Jesus Christ, how long do I have?!

Randy Marsh: We don’t know, Mr. Slave, but it could be a matter of MINUTES.

Mr. Slave: Well, what are you waiting for? PULL IT OUT!!!

Kyle: No! We can’t just pull it out! Snukes have triggers on them! We have to abort me from inside.

Cartman: Oh come on! Who knows how to do abortions AND can get really really small?! Hmm… WHO? Who could POSSIBLY be able to make themselves tiny AND know something about abortions? Ugh! Hmm, let’s see…

Stan: Who could there be?

Randy Marsh: Hm… uhh, who could it be…? Let me think…

Mr. Slave: There’s got to be someone. Oh, look! He’s all small!

Randy Marsh: Wow, this kid is just FULL of surprises! Quick! Get up there and disarm the snuke! Hurry!

Mr. Slave: Oh, be careful. I might have also put some bats up there the other night…

[You and Cartman enter Mr. Slave’s ass.]

Cartman: Dude, lame! How come I have to be your buddy right now? And now we boldly go where many men have gone before.

Frog King: New Kid, you must find a way out of this place or you will surely die. The way behind you is blocked by the large sphincter. Make haste to the large intestine! All will be made clear to you then!

Cartman: Dude, what’s that sticky stuff? Dude, that’s gross. You shall not pass m’hya! See New Kid, that’s how it’s done.

[After victory you team up with Stan.]

Stan: Dude, are we really gonna go up Slave’s asshole?

[You discover a certain electronic mechanism whose fuse sparks and does not allow you to go further. You ask Stan for help.]

Stan: It’s worth a try.

[He calls his dog.]

Stan: Sparky! Here boy!

[The dog pisses on the fuse and the sparkling stops. You team up with Cartman again and destroy a cum blockage.]

Cartman: Dude, that smells weird.

[You find in the ass of Mr. Slave Mr. Harrison’s long-lost friend Mr. Hat. Then you are in an old iPhone on which Big Gay Al is trying to call.]

Big Gay Al: Hello? Hello? Slave honey?

Cartman: Now, if only the flashlight was turned on, maybe we could see if that worked…

[You turn on the flashlight and see that a bat is sitting there. It wakes up and flies out of Mr. Slave’s ass.]

Mr. Slave: Ooh! Jesus Christ!

[You meet another ghost…]

Sparrow Prince: I am the Sparrow Prince. Like you, I was once used for pleasure as an anal plaything, and thus perished in this place. Now you must defeat my angry spirit in order to move forward. I know, I don’t really sound that angry, but trust me, I am.

[You are forced to fight the sparrow.]

Cartman: You want to throw down, dawg? I’ll throw down. Dum-Dum! Christian! Shriveled sack! Shut up! Penises! Asshole! Piece of crap! Foreskin! Spastic colon! Weirdo!

Sparrow Prince: Hey.

Cartman: Weak. You got pwned! What?! Screw… you… guys…

Sparrow Prince: My anger is greater now.

Cartman: Have to do better than that. Magic missile!

Sparrow Prince: Hey.

Cartman: You want some of this?

Sparrow Prince: Ouch.

Cartman: I hate you! That’s right, bitch! Going down, brah! Uh uh.

Cartman: Perhaps a reward is in order, Gold? Frakenstiensense?

Sparrow Prince: You have proven yourself in combat, young anal plaything. You may journey forth. Find the snuke’s trigger and save the outside world. Farethee met and farethee well.

[You continue your anal journey. You turn on the found vibrator.]

Mr. Slave: OOOOOOOOOOOOoooh! Jesus Christ!

[And so… you find 2 federal agents. Guarding… the backdoor…]

Government Guard: [sigh] I didn’t join the company for this.

Government Guard: We’ve got our orders.

Government Guard: Yeah but how come we always get the shit jobs? Go clean out the barracks. Go round up civilians in their homes. Go up a gay man’s butthole and guard against intruders. Fuckin’ sucks!

Frog King: Armed guards? What are they doing here?

Sparrow Prince: Whoever seeks to blow up the city clearly doesn’t want anyone stopping them.

Frog King: You must get past them, New Kid. Go fuck ’em up.

[You attack the guards.]

Government Guard: I’m hit! Take cover! Medic!

Cartman: You want to throw down, dawg? I’ll throw down.

Mr. Kim: I’m gonna do my war dance now!

Government Guard: I’m so cold.

Government Guard: We’re overrun!

Cartman: All in a days work.

[Having won, you get into the stomach.]

Song: New kid came to the stomach dark… ’Neath the cold depths of the lungs and heart…

Catatafish: Hello, New Kid. I… am Catatafish.

Song: Catatafish of the stomach’s cove…

Catatafish: The trigger of the thermonuclear device lies before you. I have tried to solve its riddle, but I have been unable to disarm it.

Song: Catatafish riddle will soon be told…

Catatafish: There are only moments to spare. Find a way to disengage the trigger, or all will be lost.

[You team up with Jimmy.]

Jimmy: Your w-word is the command, my lord. This calls for a little bardic access.

[Now you must do an abortion.]

Snuke: Snuke abortion sequence initiated. Begin electrolytic infusion. Ahh. COLD. So Cold. Danger: Abortion access slit stress level critical. Abortion access slit dilated. Initiate control chip removal. Wrong chip! Wrong chip! Ow! Not that! I needed that! Wrong chip! Wrong chip! Ow! Self-destruction sequence aborted.

Mr. Slave: [cough]

Randy Marsh: What is it, Mr. Slave? What are you feeling?

Mr. Slave: [cough] Oh Jesus… [cough] Jesus Christ!

[He coughs you out.]

Catatafish: Great job, New Kid!

Sparrow Prince: But your journey is not yet complete.

Frog King: Yes, but should we ever need your services again, we will call.

Randy Marsh: Great job! You disarmed the Snuke. South Park is saved.

Cartman: Yes, now let’s finish this, New Kid. Let’s beat Clyde once and for all, and take back the Stick of Truth!

[You return to Clyde’s Dark Tower.]

Clyde: Fools! You thought you could conquer the Fortress of Darkness!

Stan: Clyde! Back away from that stuff!

Clyde: Oh, but I have yet to complete my army! You have come to witness the power of darkness!

Kyle: Stop, Clyde! You have no idea what that stuff is!

Clyde: Yeah huh, it’s green sauce from Taco Bell. I took it from their construction site.

Stan: Dude, that’s not Taco Bell sauce.

Clyde: Then why’d I find it at the Taco Bell?

Cartman: It leaked out of a UFO, CLYDE! It’s toxic goo from another galaxy! THINK ABOUT IT! SINCE WHEN DOES TACO BELL HAVE A GREEN SAUCE, DUDE?!

Kyle: Actually, since about a year ago.

Cartman: What?

Kyle: Taco Bell has green sauce now.
Cartman: No way.

Stan: They’ve had it longer than a year. I’ve always gotten spicy green burritos.

Kyle: Yeah, no, I’m saying in the packets. They just started putting green sauce in packets.

Cartman: The fuck?! How the fuck did I miss this?

Clyde: HA HA! I DON’T SEEM SO FOOLISH NOW, DO I?!

Kyle: That doesn’t mean YOU have Taco Bell green sauce, dipfuck!

Stan: Yeah, Clyde, why do you think that shit’s GLOWING?

Clyde: Maybe because of the three varieties of chili peppers.

Cartman: Just give us the Stick, asshole.

Clyde: Or what? You’ll beat me up? Ha, ha… I’ve got another surprise for you.

[He ressurects… Nazi zombie Cheif!!!]

Chef: I’m gonna make love to you womannnn…

All: AHGHGHGHG!!!!

Chef: [Speaking German]

Cartman: Get him, Commander Douchebag!

Chef: Let’s all make sweet lo- RAAAAAAWWWWRRRRR!

Clyde: KILL!!!

Cartman: Psh, whatever, dude. Lightning bolt!

Chef: Dammit!

Cartman: Magic missile!

Chef: Ow!

Cartman: Asshole! Shit-sculpting orgy captain! Not very cool! Bull crap! Bastard! Weirdo! Christian! Christian! Shut up! Dickface! Weiner!

Chef: Goddamn! No, no! I’m sorry, boys.

Cartman: Oh shit, he’s back again! Lightning bolt! I hate you! I’M RUNNING AWAY!

Stan: Come on, let’s do this!

Clyde: Hey, I raised you from the dead. You have to obey. Obey me! AHAHA HAHA!

Chef: Dammit! No, no! Ow!

Stan: Kya-kya!

Chef: No, no! Goddamn! I’m sorry, boys.

Stan: We’re gonna get you out of this, Chef. Just hold on while we kill Clyde. Catch!

Chef: Children! Everybody! I’m back!

Clyde: Enough of this! AHAHAHA! BURN THEM!! BURN THEM ALL!

[You win!]

Cartman: Your eons of torment are at an end, ruler of darkness!

Clyde: Um… okay, um, you know what, I’m not playing anymore.

Cartman: You have broken the rules of the Stick and for that I banish thee. I banish thee… from SPACE AND TIME!!!!!

[He throws Clyde off the tower.]

Clyde: AGHHHHH!!

Stan: We did it, dude!

Cartman: That was AWESOME! You did it! Your noble quest is at an end. And for all your deeds, and all your time put into this, I hereby promote you… to KING Douchebag! Congratulations.

Kyle: Quickly, now let’s get the Stick back to safety before anyone can-

[SWAT already surrounded the Tower.]

All: MOVE MOVE MOVE! GO GO GO!!

Government Agent: We’ve got him, we’ve got the Dragonborn.

Cartman: Th-Dragonborn? What the who what?

Big Bad Government Guy: So it really is the Dragonborn… Just can’t stop being a thorn in our side, huh?

Cartman: He has the Stick of Truth!

Kyle: How does this guy know you, King Douchebag?

Big Bad Government Guy: King Douchebag? Is THAT what you told them your name was? Why didn’t you tell them your REAL name- DOVAHKIIN! You… you don’t remember, do you? How we tried to find you?

Stan: Look, that Stick belongs with the fighters of Zaron! Give it back!

Big Bad Government Guy: Fighters of Zaron? Boys, what’s going on here is much more complex than that. This isn’t the first time a UFO has crashed to Earth. You see, in 1947 a UFO crashed in Roswell, New Mexico…

Cartman: Oh God…

Stan: Oh brother, spare us…

Big Bad Government Guy: Hang on a sec. A UFO crashed in Roswell and a new government agency was created to investigate the paranormal. Our Agency.

Cartman: Can we skip this? Like, hit the skip button or something?

Big Bad Government Guy: Oh, you don’t want to skip this.

Cartman: Yes, we do.

[But you really can’t skip this dialogue.]

Big Bad Government Guy: Whenever aliens are spotted, vampires run amok, our agency is there and we have never lost a fight. That is… until 4 years ago when we investigated a child.

Cartman: Yawn yawn yawn.

Big Bad Government Guy: A child who had an unnatural power inside him. I had order from the President to secure the child, so that we could harness his powers before our enemies could. But he slipped through our hands.

Kyle: The government wants the new kid for his farts?

Stan: That’s dumb.

Big Bad Government Guy: His farts? No. His amazing ability to make friends so quickly on any social network. Before he was 5 years old he had 3.2 billion friends on Facebook alone. Do you have any idea the power that kind of gift yields in today’s world? It’s time to come with us, Dovahkiin. Time to stop resisting and use your gift for your country.

Cartman: Is he really still talking?

Big Bad Government Guy: Are we really so different, you and I, Dovahkiin?

Cartman: UGHH…

Big Bad Government Guy: You have to do what the government tells you, just like me. We’re all just pawns in their game. I’ll admit you are fascinating, you have more power than any child I’ve ever come across. And yet all you seem to really care about… is this. (looks at the Stick) It must be very important. What does it do?

Cartman: Whoever controls the Stick controls the universe, dumbass.

Stan: Yeah, stupid.

Big Bad Government Guy: Controls the… But then… I wouldn’t have to do what I was told anymore. I could… Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HAAAA! I control the universe. Get back! BACK I SAY! ALL OF YOU! I can do ANYTHING! ANYTHING I WANT! (undresses) HAHA AHA!!! I no longer need YOU, "New Kid"… I CONTROL THE UNIVERSE!!! Hahg… huh UGH!!!! Er… damn thing! How does work?! Show me how it works!

Stan: Yeah, right.

Big Bad Government Guy: Dovahkiin, why should we be on the opposite sides? Join me Dovakiin. Rule by my side. Rule… and you can have THIS all to yourself, FOREVER. I can offer you ALL! Just get me safely out of here, you can rule with this once again!

Stan: You underestimated the character of the fighters of Zaron! What binds us is MORE than that relic.

Kyle: And you failed to recognize the character of our alliance.

Cartman: Yes. And that friendship is more important to any of us than even the Stick of Truth.

Kyle: Dude, where’re you going?

Kenny: HA HA HA!

[Kenny betrays his friends and joins the big government guy.]

Cartman: [GASP] Princess Kenny!

Big Bad Government Guy: At least ONE of you has some sense.

Kyle: You’d sell us all out?!

Stan: But why, Princess Kenny?

Morgan Freeman: Because Princess Kenny was born a half-orc… whose entire village was wiped out by humans and elves.

Kyle: Morgan Freeman?

Morgan Freeman: You see, when humans and elve lived TOGETHER in the forests of Hollow Falls, an elven queen fell in love with the orc known as Dandar - the first one to possess the Stick of Truth. They loved in secret and had a child, a beautiful little girl, a girl who watched as everyone she loved was killed in cold blood. And that is why she waited… and plotted… all this time. To take the Stick from you. For Princess Kenny is true heir to the Stick of Truth.

Cartman: Wow, that’s pretty cool.

Kyle: Just one thing, Morgan Freeman - how come every time something convoluted needs explaining, you show up?

Morgan Freeman: Because everytime I show up and explain something, I earn a freckle.

Kenny: MMRMM MM MRMMPH!

Cartman: PRINCESS KENNY, COME BACK HERE!

[Beat up Clyde! quest completed.]

Betrayal from Within

Cartman: Give us the Stick, Princess Kenny. You don’t want to go down like this, brah.

Kenny: Mrmm mmrm! Mrmmmphm mrmmmm mrphrmm mmmm!

Big Bad Government Guys Yes! GO PRINCESS KENNY!

[An epic battle with anime soundtrack begins!]

Stan: Weak, dude.

Kenny: Mrm mm mmm mrmrmmphmm. [Gasps] Mrm mm mmmrmm! [Gasps] Mrm mm mrm?! Mrm mmrmmmphm mm mmrph!

Stan: What, that’s it?

[The heroes win.]

Cartman: It’s all over, Princess Kenny. Douchebag is too powerful for you.

Stan: What’s she doing?

Kyle: No, Kenny, don’t drink that!

Kenny: [Speaking German]

Cartman: AAAAGHI NAZI ZOMBIE PRINCESS KENNY!!!

Kyle: FUCK!

Kenny: [AARRGH!]

[The fight continues.]

Cartman: This is it, King Douchebag! The final battle! Your buddies stand with you! I will.stand over here…

Big Bad Government Guy: Use your rainbow attack, Princess Kenny! Hit them with zombie vomit!

Stan: You asked for it!

Big Bad Government Guy: Princess Kenny! Call upon your beautiful Nazi Unicorn!

[But Stan cuts the head if the Unicorn clean off.]

Big Bad Government Guy: Shit, stupid fucking unicorn!

Jimmy: Hey fellas.

Stan: My sword hand’s got a cramp. I need a minute.

Big Bad Government Guy: Use your rainbow attack, Princess Kenny!

Big Bad Government Guy: Good work, Princess Kenny! Finish them off!

Jimmy: (sings) Sleep now, the whip-poor-wills are d-dancing. Gently now, put your m-mind to rest… Wow, what a terrific audience. Set ’em up, knock ’em down!

Big Bad Government Guy: The Princess’s magic, it’s so pretty! Hit them with zombie vomit! Give these vermin a taste of their own medicine, Princess Kenny!

[But Jimmy uses his flute to charm the rats.]

Big Bad Government Guy: No! Where are you going with Princess Kenny’s rats?! Damn you!

Butters: Come on, New Kid. Let’s show them what we can do!

Jimmy: Hoo. I better c-catch my breath.

Stan: Oh my God! You killed Kenny!

Kyle: You b- oh no wait, he’s back.

Cartman: She looks more dead than she was beforel Kill her again!

Butters: You’re straight trippin’, son. Let’s see how you like dealing with me! [Laughs]

Big Bad Government Guy: Hit them with zombie vomit!

Butters: No, no, no, no, no!

Big Bad Government Guy: Death comes for you, Dragonborn! You’d better pray for a miracle.

Butters: Oh hamburgers!

Stan: So much for that.

Butters: Ahahahahahaha! Foolish Princess Kenny! Do you not know that Death is the servant of Chaos?

[Professor Chaos destroys Nazi Death!]

Big Bad Government Guy: How can this be?!

Kyle: We stand together against the darkness!

Butters: All that chaos energy’s making me a little woozy.

Big Bad Government Guy: Use your rainbow attack, Princess Kenny!

Cartman: I think the dying is making her tired! Keep killing her!

Big Bad Government Guy: Hit them with zombie vomit! Use your rainbow attack, Princess Kenny!

Kyle: Terrible.

Big Bad Government Guy: Yes! Drink your goo, Princess Kenny! You’ll be invincible!

Kyle: Oh no you don’t!

[He kicks Ike and break the tube with the goo.]

Big Bad Government Guy: A lucky shot but no matter. Princess Kenny still has lots of tricks up her puffy sleeves.

Kyle: Ow, I hurt my leg. You better go on without me.

Cartman: Shit, I guess I’m the only hope! Alright, it’s you and me, now, Douchebag. For the fate of humanity! To victory! Looks like you’re about to get pwned.

Big Bad Government Guy: Use your rainbow attack, Princess Kenny!

Cartman: Kiss my balls, asshole!

Big Bad Government Guy: Hit them with zombie vomit!

Big Bad Government Guy: Use your rainbow attack, Princess Kenny!

Cartman: I will kill you, where you stand!

Big Bad Government Guy: Hit them with zombie vomit!

Cartman: Weak.

Stan: She doesn’t stay dead!!! We can’t beat her!

Kyle: Dude, we’re fucked! There’s no way!

Cartman: There is ONE WAY. We’re gonna have to break the Gentlemen’s Code.

Kyle: What?! Cartman, you can’t possibly mean--

Cartman: KING DOUCHEBAG! You remember long ago, I made you swear an oath to never fart on anyone’s balls. I am now asking you to break that oath.

Stan: He’s right. It’s our only chance.

Cartman: Fart on Princess Kenny’s balls, King Douchebag. DO IT! Now, King Douchebag! Fart on Princess Kenny’s balls!

[He holds Kenny.]

Kenny: OAAAAAA!!!

[Kenny’s balls explodes in a massive stream of bright white energy. All zombie Nazis return to normal.]

Nazi Zombie: [Speaking German]

Man: Wha-- we’re back to normal…

Man: We-we’re cured!

Boy: We’re all better now, daddy.

Man: That’s right, son. The Dragonborn must have farted on a princess’ balls.

[The next day. South Park and its shopping center are slowly being rebuilt. The children stand by the pond and look at the water.]

Kyle: You guys sure about this?

Cartman: There’s no other way.

Stan: It drove our friend to madness and nearly killed us all.

[Cartman throws the Stick of Truth into the pond.]

Cartman: So what do you guys wanna play now?!

Stan: How about Dinosaur Hunters?!

Kyle: Or Pharaohs and Mummies!

Cartman: Let’s ask Douchebag! What do you wanna play next, dude?

New Kid: Screw you guys. I’m going home.

Cartman: Wow. What a dick.

[Classic TV series credits.]

THE END